The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been back for about a week. I haven't been on here as much as I was before I went away.
I have spent quite a bit of time here today though.
Since coming back from holidays.. I have felt a little tense for some reason. I guess I am waiting for him to go back to using after being 'good' while we are away.
I note for myself, yesterday, I was again on edge for it. I even checked his pot drawer for the first time in soooo long.
Why the increase anxiety do you think?
I have had to remind myself of Step One and Two. Reading and responding on here has really helped. I seem to have reminded myself along the way.
I feel a little like I have lost the inner peace that I had before I went away... but being back here today has helped to centre me a little bit again.
Every day I wonder if today is the relapse day. And what will that look like. I don't obsess over it like I used to. It is just a thought and it passes. Like nearly every day I have a memory of my baby that died.. I think about her every day.. its just a thought and it goes away... I also think of him relapsing.. its a thought and it goes away.
some days.. like yesterday... it was more than a thought and I had a look. He hadn't used but I had relapsed myself.
today I am back at STep One. I am not feeling bad, just pondering I suppose
Maybe it is that 'back to normal' feeling after we have been away on a happy and successful holiday.
The 'normal' environment...home, work, people and sometimes weather can bring back tension and feelings of 'What now?'
We are just off for a week on a holiday into another state and will spend time with one of our younger sons, daughter-in-law and new babe. Which we have never done before.
In my Experience I have Learned that While I am Lookin for the "A" to Slip... I Am Not Noticing my Own Slides Back... I too have been in a place were you experience something so Nice, So Differant then My Everyday, and then like (((too hard)))) explained its Back to the Everyday Grind...
But I Will say, The More "I" worked My Program, The More I Stopped Ease Droppin on their Issues, and Did my Best to stay Focused on Mine! Because what I Realized... Is I was Just as SICK if Not Sicker then them, when I Look back at how I acted about "their" disease... Not an Easy Place to put myself, but I am Accepting that it did happen, and once I Got back to my Program, My Program Family, and Hit My Meetings... My Focus Shifted more to a Happier Light, then a LIght of Constant "Wondering" ...
Don't be So Hard on Yourself... We all Have Slips, its what we Learn from them...That Makes Us Stronger, & Because you are Here, done Proves... Your Looking for the light that this Program can give...
