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The train wreck is coming in ways that boggle the mind. I knew he was sick, I get that he's sick .. I just didn't realize how sick until two and two got put together.
It's not that I didn't see it or get it .. what I get now is how fast the train is coming. I have the same feeling I had a few months before the DUI. It's not that the other shoe is going to drop .. it's the acceptance it's just going to happen it's a matter of when and how. This time is different for me .. I'm not standing in front of the train as he's the only one who can pull the handbrake; all of the interference from me is not going to change the outcome of what needs to happen. I think for me because of the split I'm not worried about the kids and myself this time around. His actions while they will affect us .. they will affect him more because he is on his own.
Anyway, .. I am in a stalemate of emotions, .. sorrow, pity, remorse, anger, love, hurt, compassion, .. I got nothing. My gold plated problem is ok as I felt things for other reasons this weekend. I do feel very emotionally raw at the moment. Lots of tears, just nothing exactly for THIS situation. It was about me, acceptance, knowing that I no longer have to be treated the way I've been treated, knowing that I deserve soooo much more, acting to server more ties. I was going through the shed, I still have boxes to go. Lots of pitching of things, lots of separating things out. All of those emotions I listed I had for me and what I'm processing. Then I say .. WOW .. it's only been 90 days .. what a ride. I'm getting better with each day as well which is the point.
The tears were productive so I'm grateful. I'm grateful the kids didn't have to watch me go through that process. I'm grateful I have such great friends who held my hand as I processed through things. I'm just very very grateful for all I had this weekend. Coming to the boards posting is such a blessing so thank you.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I hate going through boxes for that very reason, not that it was your reason for the tears, though. You're right, it's only been 90 days and look at where you are and where the kids are. Keep holding onto your Higher Power, He is the one who carries us when we are weak or fearful, etc. Sending you lots of love and support today!
I do know that alcoholics scramble around frantically trying to change the outside while avoiding the problems inside. They even poison the inside because it's so broken they cannot stand it. This continues as they bounce around making all these "changes" to their outside world and it just keeps blowing up in their faces. Yep - it's painful to watch. After you detach, it's just pitiful to watch. You stand back and instead of having to be the cheerleader while he makes the next "change" that is not really addressing the REAL problems, you are like "Ok...I know where this is headed." Except now you are not riding on that train that is headed for the next wreck.
I could have written this all from perspective of "I" because that is what I observed in my experience. I also cried after that break up and I wasn't crying for him. I was crying for me. I cried for all that lost time. I cried for how incredibly hard I tried to fix it, work it out, persevere, and it just did not work. I cried cuz I was scared of the future even though I acutely knew I did not want to go back to him. Lot's of emotions for sure. It's good that you are feeling things that you put the stopper on before.
Mark, this makes so much sense. My AH will make changes that, to him, seem like a good fix. He wonders why I'm not trusting him yet or why I'm not cheering his NOT drinking. He doesn't even realize that it's not addressing the real problems. Thank you for reminding us all that we don't have to ride that train!
I do relate to your share ilovedogs!!!! My son is an unrecoverying addict and I have stood in front, on and in that train for so damn long. So sure if I just found the right way into that train I could change things. Had to hit my own bottom several times before "I got it" and I have to go thru acceptance everyday sometimes several times a day as I work to get myself healthy. My son will not and cannot accept reality. His idea of a solution is to run, he is sure a geographical change will make all things better. Not taking or owning his actions or responsibilities yet tells me he is a man. Yes chronologically he is a man, emotionally he is a 15 yr old child and makes decisions from that point in life. There is nothing I can do to change that or him. I have to accept who he is today. However I no longer have to jump into his world or contribute to what he thinks is a solution. Took me a very long time to understand and practice that. And I do have to practice it everyday. It doesn't come naturally or easily. But if I work my program, listen to my HP and put my son in HP's hands then I have to know whatever is going to happen is meant to be. I can't see the big picture HP has for us, I just have to trust in him. Blessings
Hi Pushka: I too went through all of those emotions you are feeling right now when I finally left my exAH. I recently found a journal that I used when I left him 3 years ago, and I can't even begin to describe how shocking it was to read it. Anytime I felt the need to text him or write him I wrote in it, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. The wide range of emotions I was feeling back then were constantly changing with some of the entries in one day alone that had an apology letter from me, to extreme anger and hurt, to feeling bad for what he must be going through. I couldn't believe how I lived from one emotion to the next for 10 years! The one emotion that seemed the most prevalent was the anger/rage. This was the hardest thing I had to overcome and I can't say that I have completely let it go, even 3 years later. Living with an alcoholic causes so much heartache, chaos and hurt and it is so hard to just let all of that go even when we feel the relief once we make the choice to leave. I think that journaling was such a wonderful tool to help process my thoughts, plus it kept me from calling him every 5 minutes to tell him what I thought of him and what hes done to me. Because we do have kids together, I do still have to see him at least once a week. He's bloated, looks unhealthy and sometimes I can smell the alcohol through his pores from the previous nights drinks (gross). I've switched to working from 8 years on nights to dayshift so I don't have to worry about if the kids are ok because I drop them off at daycare in the morning and pick them up from his apt when I get off. He gets them for an hour every night so I know he doesn't drink until they are gone. I have changed a lot what was normal for me to make sure he is no longer a stress in my life. All we can do is process our feelings and move forward. We have lived through the worst of it and now it is time to focus on ourselves, for once, and learn to let go of what is now our past and look forward to our future.
One other thing I found useful when I would look back on the past and only see the positive was a very long list I made of the things that he has done or said to me over the years, and I immediately am filled with a grateful feeling that I made the choice I did to get out. Good luck to you and your kids during this emotional time. It does get easier.
I am so glad you are processing and feeling your emotions in a healthy way. That is a huge sign of healing...you are doing just great, Pushka.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
