The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
"Not sure what having this type of history means for me in alanon but I'm still figuring it out. I know for sure alcohol wrecked me from all directions though."
Hugs Mark,
Thank you so much for this share .. and I think if more addicts really took an honest, open minded, willing look at themselves they would get that they were "double winners" too. I have heard many shares of people drinking because it seemed like the "right" thing to do at the time. Heck, if you can't stop them .. join them ... at least it doesn't feel so one sided. I thought about it. As I attend AA meetings and not that I take other people's inventory, there are those moments that I think .. you know .. come to alanon it's a program for anyone who has been affected by someone else's addiction. There are no hidden let's beat the addict sticks in the meetings although those moments that newcomers share must be painful for someone who is also dealing with their own addiction and working through those things. I'm sure if an A goes through an honest 4th step there are all kinds of addicts in their life .. they were affected by addiction in some way shape or form.
I'm soooo grateful for those open meetings, sometimes I think alanon can be not in your face enough .. I like bs being called bs. That's what I like about AA is the open brutal at times honesty about what's going on. I love the fact that I can go in there and be accepted where I am at as a non alcoholic. I don't know what that means for me as I attend these AA meetings, .. I mean how do I fit .. I know I do ... alcohol has affected my life for a long time. I may not be an alcoholic .. I like the honesty and it's made me be so much more honest in my own program. I get soften that with the approach of alanon.
Please keep coming back, you fit exactly how you need to fit and if there is such thing as perfect .. well then it is what it is.
Hugs P :)
-- Edited by Pushka on Saturday 28th of April 2012 09:14:30 AM
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I know there are "double winners" on this site, but in responding to other people and their threads, I keep feeling different for several reasons. Mostly, I think it's because I was just as big a drunk as my qualifier and then actually worse towards the end. My reaction to his drinking and our lives spinning out of control was to also drink. It became the last thing we were connecting together on. I actually drank to save the relationship if that makes any sense at all. I lost myself so deeply in that relationship and my self esteem went so low that I drank to feel nothing. As we both progressed in our alcoholism, my ex started having more health problems and he would start choking and passing out at random. He hit the floor like a ton of bricks several times and smashed his face. I would sometimes wait until he was "safe" in bed and then get plastered myself. I would drink in the car on the way home from work sometimes too and I did try and hide that a few times until I realized he was drunk too so then it was like "Yay! You're drunk too! Let's party!" It went on that way until it got so pathetic and messy and screaming fights, car accidents, and ugly drama was the norm whereas it started out as us being a "fun bar couple" always going out to bars and partying together. Thank God for the moment of clarity I had.
Not sure how many of you can identify with a double drunk trainwreck. I don't think this makes me "special" in any way. It's not a good kind of "unique." Not sure what having this type of history means for me in alanon but I'm still figuring it out. I know for sure alcohol wrecked me from all directions though.
You have perspective to share that many of us don't. I find it very helpful. I'm very thankful for you and the other double winners, I gain insight I couldn't get any other way. Thank you
everyone's story is different. I used to drink alot! I can relate in a way because when my husband and I first got together we were partners in crime, passing the bottle on a bench, vacationing, meeting people at the bars, dancing, taking shots, having a blast.. and it was fun.. until it was not fun any more. Now I see the dysfunction of it. I can see how easily people become alcoholic who have a thinking pattern like mine. But I drifted from that life style long before I ended up in al-anon.. My husband and I stopped partying together. I started doing other things, finding new hobbies... I also got pregnant, had a miscarriage.. got pregnant, had another.. so I stopped drinking... I was still this lost little soul wishing life had more meaning to me. he started using drugs. Every story is different. If someone else's drinking has effected you, you should be here!!!
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
I didn't drink to excess but I did other things to excess; it's just that mine were more secret. Eating to excess, obsessing to excess, focusing on my A to excess, making bad decisions to excess. Toward the end of my active relationship with my A, things weren't drunken on my part, but everything else was just as crazy as you describe. The specifics of the addictions matter some, but not entirely. Whatever addictions we're caught up in, things plummet downhill into chaos. I could really identify with your story.
Aloha Pink...I came into recovery thru the Al-Anon door...I was clueless about alcoholism...didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know. This not a trite statement, it was the truth. I started out in Al-Anon kindergarten where at the start of every meeting we read the AMA definition of alcoholism. HP had me in the right seat in the right room at the right time to start my education. Part of the definition read "alcoholism affects everyone it comes into contact with and over time I came to understand that and 9 years of being alcohol free I enter into the "other" room...the one across the hall from out Al-Anon Family Group meetings. I didn't go there because I needed a larger group of alcoholics to save. I went there for only one alcoholic to stay safe...Me. Doesn't matter my Al-Anon story or AA story; I needed never to drink again or "if the next time I did I died". That was what the head nurse at the rehab I counseled in said after reading my anonymous assessment of my own drinking history...back then. Al-Anon only asked me "What was my part in it"? I stopped looking at the others around me. I found myself standing in my own spot light of "I am responsible".
I drank because...I could; because it was here, there and everywhere I was at and no one told me not to or gave me a lesson on poisons and toxicity values or anything else. My part was I drank because I could and I drank alot or some or nothing at all from time to time and who cared if stuff around me was sideways, upside down, crazy or out of sync. I drank because I had a habit of drinking...stronger than my habit of not drink. I understand the metaphor of double trainwreck and others...I came to the understanding in both Al-Anon and AA that had I not the habit of drinking there would have been many less "trainwrecks" in my life. Today there are fewer events and the ones that are taking place get handled much much better with the help of our spiritual program and for that I am emensely grateful. Thank you to the God who intervened. ((((hugs))))
Hi, I can identify with your post even though I was not brought up in alcoholism. I also never have drunk to excess except one time when I was 25 (37 yrs. ago) and didn't know the power of peppermint schnapps on a cold, snowy winter night. I can't have more than one drink at any one time because I hate the feeling of not being in control of myself.
But I can still identify with your post. When you talked about wanting to "connect" with your partner, I know that feeling and wanting to do whatever it takes to be able to connect one more time. I finally learned in AlAnon that it was impossible to connect with an alcoholic.... that he had left the building. It was terribly sad but it gave me the incentive to do something else for me and to start living my own life.
I identify too. We both got tired of my "nagging." So I developed the attitude, "if you can't beat em, join em," so that I wouldn't be left out....
It sure looked like the problem was me, since my husbands friends were millionaires. They were the big success story, we went skiing together in Aspen every year, other fabulous vacations, had season tickets to all major sports venues, theater tickets, the best restaurants, etc. etc., the sky was the limit....
I would drink to win my husbands approval, to be included in these things, and so he wouldn't keep coming home late. Now he'd come home so we could sit in the yard, on the garden glider swing with our margaritas nearly every night. He would often tell me, he never felt more close in our relationship. Wow, I was finally getting his love, approval, and validation....
Alcoholics need drinking buddies/enablers. I so desperately needed him to love me. Eventually, I realized, I was seeking the approval of someone I didn't even approve of. Eventually, I crawled into al-anon to find myself again.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Mark, you wrote ¨...I lost myself so deeply in that relationship and my self esteem went so low that I drank to feel nothing.¨ Yep, been there, done that. Another member here generously sent me some Alanon literature, also sent the Big Book for my A. He said ¨If your A doesn't want to read it, maybe it will help you when he drives you to drink.¨ It was said jokingly, but the words really hit home when I realized that was what was happening. I was using my A's unavailability as an excuse to numb myself to the painI felt from our relationship. Fortunately I seem not to have the gene or whatever it is that causes so many to be addicted. I was able to stop before I got in too deep. But it does make me think of the old saying ¨There but for the grace of God...¨ Thanks for sharing this.
Cheers Mark - I drank with mine because he made it hard not to and I'm a go along to get along kind of girl. I imagine a lot of us are. My usual drinking habits are, I buy a six pack and it usually lasts a couple weeks. With mr. ex he drank every day, all evening long and while I didn't drink as fast or as much, he would notice if I wasn't drinking and make comments and I really didn't think that much about it, just enjoyed sharing the time together. So I can relate to drinking for the connection, shared activity - once I could see the dynamics of what we were doing (came to Al-anon) I chose not to anymore.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
