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I've gone to a number of AA meetings with my husband, who has been in recovery for the past 11 months.
I noticed a significant difference between most members of AA and those who attend Al-Anon meetings.
Many AA members, who have had some recovery time, joke about their past behaviors due to alcohol. However, many Al-Anon members don't joke about it. I do very little joking about what he used to do.
Perhaps we, those in Al-Anon/non-alcoholics, are always wondering, perhaps on a sub-conscious level, that our alcoholics might relapse. Therefore, we don't take jokes light-heartedly. But the alcoholic jokes (perhaps) because he/she believes relapse won't occur. So they laugh about it.
I love to joke around; humor comes easily to me in my everyday life. But not when it comes what he and I went through.
Wondering if anyone of you have notice this, too, about those in recovery.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I have noticed this!!! I chalked it up to being a way to lighten the mood. I found in our meetings, i in Al-Anon, was a more serious tone. Joking doesn't lessen what they are feeling or dealing with, only makes it easier to deal with some of the heavier things.
I think that because the alcoholic was unconscious for much of what went on, he or she isn't as traumatized as we collateral damage types.
I laugh about my co-dependency. I came in one day from the patio, dusting off my hands and told my sister, "Well, I told the water delivery man how to get off cigarettes and...I forget what the other thing was.
She, being somewhat concrete, said, "Oh, you are so co-dependent." Well, yes Ma'am, I am. That was early on when I was at least beginning to realize "there I go again--ready to fix everybody."
Another thought--lots of alcoholics stop growing emotionally when they start using, so often what one is dealing with is a child or adolescent in a big person's body. So sometimes they come off as naughty children. The one left holding the bag with family, mortgage, community standing, sanity and health all in peril, don't seem to find it all quite so cute.
Maybe. Another thought that I entertain from time to time is that they have stronger egos than we do/aren't as sick or as damaged emotionally by the process--something.
For some reason, when an alcoholic decides to get sober and work the program, it seems to go faster for them.
Just some of my muddled thinking I like to share from time to time. Please take/leave--whatever makes sense to you.
Interesting to think about. It's been decades since AH quit drinking. I still don't find it amusing. It was confusing at first, scary later.
Oh, I remember my first stab at Al-Anon meetings. These sweet, absolutely saintly women would talk about keeping their husband's dinner warm--sometimes for three hours. I'm thinking, I'd have pitched it out in the yard after an hour, tops. Thirty minutes on a good day.
I never quite felt like I belonged..
Hugs, Temple
Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
I live in a very small, rural town. I go to AA because there is no Alanon (I offer to hold a separate meeting and in another small town every fourth meeting is an Alanon). Anyway, they have become my support, my friends, and and my recovery. I have learned alot about the other half. My AHsober left the marriage and attending AA meetings has given me some insight to the disease. They hold me accountable and tell me to drop the rope! BUT they drive me crazy. They are sometimes on the edge, dry drunks when they don't work the program. When they tell their war stories, the group laughs. The part that really bothers me if when we say the Lord's Prayer, they add or delete parts and make jokes. I have to remind myself to not take their inventory. I will never know how they feel and can only hope to see that it helps in my recovery. No I haven't found too much to laugh about when I think of all that my AHSober and I have been through. Especially since he left the marriage.
we laugh at our home group but, man, not about the past. There is nothing funny about what I went through.
pinkchip, that made sense to me because I don't laugh about some major things I did like pushing my husband in the kitchen.. but I can laugh about the minor things like when I would walk around the house and huff and puff over what I was mad about instead of just saying it... Haha its funny now, people can't read minds.. Now I just say it like it is.. "hey, I vacuumed last week, can you do it?" That is funny, I was expecting a super human of a husband.
-- Edited by Michelle814 on Saturday 28th of April 2012 08:29:37 AM
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Interesting..........I have a close A relative who has many yrs sober in AA. His Mother has related in the past about how some of his AA buddies would call round to their home for a cup of tea & how a good dose of black humour relating to the drinking days usually occurred, she didnt see the funny side, she still doesnt to this day.....she has Al-anon.
When my son sank into the depths of dependency and all our lives became hell, my relative stopped the jokes, and he saw the effects on us, sober, for the first time, first hand. He has since ceased to joke about it & I see living amends being made.
I recently explained to my relativewhy I stopped visiting a popular pub we all used to frequent, that it was because of the way it pained me to see others making him a laughing stock, (he was the village drunk) not because of his drunkenness or any embarrassment or shame on my part but the pain of watching the humiliation he put up with was just too much. He cried when I told him, as usual the drunk has no recollection of most things but we sadly have sober recall. (I still cant set foot in that place although he still goes in for a coffee).
Temple I don't know if you got your perspective from the definition of alcoholism that they use to read at the start of our early meetings and it is right on that definition and in the part of the definition that describes how,"we to are affected in much the same way except that we don't have the anesthesia of alcohol; therefore we go thru all of the crises and chaos wide awake." Thanks for the retake. (((hugs)))
Gail - We joke about it because when talking to other alcoholics - The assumption is pretty much there that they have done the same thing. After having those types of conversations over and over again where the other person goes "Yeah...well I did this...(insert drunken crazy behavior)", it does get to be like a joke.
The other thing is - Step 2 has us recognizing our own insanity cuz we have found our way out of it due to our higher power. What does a person do when they are now sane and staring back at insanity? We laugh. Sort of the same way you would laugh at dumb things you did when you were a kid before you knew any better.
Thanks for you post though. I never thought of how disturbing it would be for spouses to hear this kind of stuff. When I laugh and joke about crawling around on the floor, smashing into things, driving with one hand over my eye, waking up not knowing where I was after blackouts, drinking mouthwash when I couldn't find alcohol....That stuff would be horrifying to anyone not in AA. I know that and that is part of why meetings are so special for Alcoholics - We can be totally honest there and not be judged even about really embarrassing stuff (that is also part of the reason for laughing - it's embarrassing). It's not that we are so sure it's never going to happen again. None of us can be that complacent. In my soul - I'm terrified of that happening again.
I have heard some folks on here with great recovery joking about their prior behaviors too...About checking the trash for cans, stacking them up on display for their A to see. I see those behaviors as pretty foreign and they seem disturbing to me. I don't get it when alanoners laugh about that cuz I never walked down that particular path. Common experience draws people together, makes for conversation, taking oneself less seriously...and laughter....even about things that ordinarily are not funny.
I believe that in alanon we work toward feeling our feelings, owning our fears, sadness, joy and sorrow. We look for our part and during that process I have had much humor and much sadness.
I think that alcoholics in AA or outside use humor to "Pretend all is well". I too did that before program.
Humor, sarcasm pretend worked. It looked like I was in control and was cool. It was much too frightening to own my true feelings of low self esteem fear and sadness. Alanon showed me how and I am forever grateful.
When AA members begin to attend alanon meetings I do not hear the same humor and laughter. They begin to feel their true feelings an are also grateful for ht opportunity to stop the game and become real.
Something that I have noticed is that humor is a great healer and tension remover, .. I don't find that people are laughing at their mistakes or mishaps however when people do laugh it's not in a ha ha funny way it's more in a OMGosh I can see myself in that OR I've done that and worse.
Recently a someone shared that they didn't find anything that the alcoholic did funny. You know what if I didn't laugh about some of the things I went through I would be in a puddle of tears. It's more of an acknowledgement of yup .. it got that bad and I did things that I"m not proud of. Crap .. that means at some point I'm going to have to make an amends .. lol. You have to laugh sometimes in order to survive the past and release the tension of intense emotion.
Do I think it's funny what my AH has done to me or done to himself .. no .. I don't .. do I think holy crap somehow we survived without killing each other and I didn't burn down that dang truck with all of his stuff it in? Personally I DO find that funny in a very ironic twisted way. When a speaker talks about forgetting whom started chasing whom around the house with a kitchen knife .. in my mind pops the comment .. DANNNNGGGG .. that's a good scene for a book!!! I'm not laughing at that situation she went through I'm laughing at my reaction to the story. When the speaker laughs in my mind they are saying can you believe we DID that?! Good grief .. progress not perfection thank God I am not doing that anymore!
I don't think in any way that when people share they are laughing in a genuine belly ha ha way .. it's really in I'm opening up and it scares the crap out of me, what can I do to deflect the tension kind of way.
Maybe that doesn't make any sense .. that's my own approach to the situation and we can't sit around living in the past as bad as it might have been it wasn't all bad and there really are things that are OMGosh .. looking back .. that was awful and it was not ha ha funny it was a that's who I was awful funny.
Take what you like, hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
My experience of having my closest friends in AA, they realize God saved them. And saved them for a reason! The past is history. They always talk about what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now... in GRATITUDE that they are awake now.
I believe they laugh at the INSANITY of the past because today, life has sooo much meaning and purpose, and even if they don't know exactly what it is, they trust it. Their faith is too strong to fear the past anymore, they are totally different people and they realize they are NOT their disease. Rather, they are precious children of God. And if they've made their amends, as children of God, they grovel before no one, they no longer have to hang their heads..... Laughter is the sound of recovery.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
First, I'd like to thank everyone for responding. I read them all and have thought about them throughout the day while I completed some mundane household chores.
Second, as I reread my initial post, I realized that I wasn't clear.
I "think" I came across as the humor I observe at AA meetings sort of annoy me and/or confuse me. That's not what I meant. I actually enjoy the AA meetings because I find most of the members much more open than many Al-Anon people. They seem less uptight and the structure of most meetings are much more flexible than the Al-Anon meetings I attend. (not to say I don't enjoy the people of Al-Anon - or the meetings.)
What I have found disturbing is my husband's humor regarding alcohol. For example, as we shopped at a big warehouse (Costco) we strolled by the alcohol section to get to the bakery. He made a smart-a** remark about perhaps we should pick up some booze. I felt rigid and pissed for a few seconds. But then I didn't act on my feelings in terms of saying anything and decided to carry on with our agenda. However, undernearth my veneer smile, I was upset (again).
Reading all your posts helped. Plus I asked myself the question: What can I learn about me? Why am I so upset? So uptight? In other words, I did some investigating.
The answers came to me while I worked around the house. For one thing, I'm still attached to my story - I keep holding onto it. Why do I want to hold onto it? Does it benefit me? Answer - no
I've decided to let the story go as I did with many of my childhood stories of growing up with a mother with BPD. Harboring the stories of the past makes about as much sense as a snake trying to crawl back into the skin its just shed. The stories are history - done - can't be undone. So take the lessons and move on.
I know that if he were to start drinking again, I would not react the way I did in the past. I also realized today that I am wanting what I want, and I'm so afraid I won't get it IF he begins to start drinking again. Well, I have to let go of my wants too.
Just let it be Enjoy what I have today - NOW
Thanks for helping me out today!
Sincerely appreciate it.
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Sunday 29th of April 2012 01:27:55 AM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
What I like about the AA meetings and applying that particular attitude to my own program is it's more in your face I have said this before. You are right .. lol .. AAers are more relaxed than we are .. they haven't had the life long pressure of doing it all. I'm not dismissing the stresses of drinking however we dealt with the situation cold stone sober .. they are dealing with it numbed out.
I'm so glad you figured out how you were being affected ... I can understand why after so many years of dealing with the let downs of alcoholism to hear something so flip it would throw me. You know .. not that we are suppose to focus on others .. I do wonder if when he said it if it's ok to say .. hon, .. are you feeling uncomfortable here in a warehouse full of booze? (I'm sure there are thousands of ways to say that particular thing, that's my non-coffee direct approach of the morning, .. why I don't speak before coffee .. LOL)
I know nothing .. LOL .. I don't know if that's ok to do, and this is my thinking .. I think it's important to also talk about those moments and let them go. That's what I heard this time in your post is him feeling uncomfortable.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
It was much too frightening to own my true feelings of low self esteem fear and sadness. Alanon showed me how and I am forever grateful.