Frustrated & Lost - Al-Anon Family Group

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

Frustrated & Lost

GatorGirl82 · Newbie

Hi everyone and thank you all for the wisdom and insights that you have provided me during the short time I have been viewing this website, in desperate search for answers. Im incredibly new to Al-Anon but am somewhat familiar to the 12-Step fellowship since Im in the mental health field. A part of me feels that because I work in the helping profession, I should be able to help myself. However, I find myself lost when it comes to managing my emotions and accepting my reality. My father was an alcoholic, albeit a happy one. My mother was strict, controlling, and seemingly emotionless. Sure, my childhood was characterized by instability, however I always thought that I was adjusted.

I entered into a relationship one year ago with a charming man who initially swept me off my feet. Not soon long after did I realize that hes embodied both Mr. Jekyll and Mr. Hydes persona. When he drinks, he becomes nasty, insulting, degrading. He says the most hurtful things, which only incites my anger. I fight back, become twice as rude, because no way is someone going to disrespect me like this and get away with this! Naturally, that makes this worse. If I do get an apology, it is always followed up with the justification that I provoked him somehow prior to the argument (which I rarely do, because I walk on egg shells when he drinks), which leaves me broken. I made a drastic observation recently. His hateful speech occurs even when hes not drinking. I stick around because I know he has a beautiful side to him (which I wish I saw more) and because its the alcoholic in him speaking.

But I cant help to wonder: Could those horrible things truly be how he feels about me? What did I do to deserve this? Is this what life is always going to be like if I stay with him? Isnt detaching myself allowing him to get away with torturing me? And why the hell cant I leave? Why am I the only one doing all the inventories and changing? How fair is this? How did I become so immobile?

Im frustrated and lost. Youre responses are incredibly appreciated, including things to read or do to help cope. Thanks!!!

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Many yrs ago I heard a speaker say when involved with an alcoholic we learn to adjust , re-adjust over and over again and if were lucky eventually we mal -adjust * why do I stay ?*that is when we seek help for ourselves , this disease is progressive and so is our reaction to it until one day your up to your neck in anger frustration and confusion and don't understand how in hell we got there. Our self esteem is gone self worth is almost non existant so we stay hoping that it will get better but it never does it only gets worse . I too got hooked on the Potential I saw when the good guy showed up occasionally but emotionally it was killing me , please find meetings for yourself you need support from people who understand exactly how your feeling . Louise

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm glad you have found us.

You ask, "Could those horrible things truly be how he feels about me?" But the other alternative isn't that great either -- he doesn't despise you all the time, but sometimes he tells you he does anyway? And, "Is this what life is always going to be like if I stay with him?" Answer: yes, most likely it is. You may change your responses, but as the saying goes, "The destination is printed on the ticket." He is telling you who he is and what he is like. And in effect he is asking, "Will you put up with it? If yes, indicate by staying with me." And you are indicating Yes.

In my experience, our own cravings, dependency, and addictions are especially triggered by this type of pattern -- someone who is wonderful in the beginning, then changes and is fairly abusive, but wonderful every now and then, just enough to remind us what could be. We stay on and on hoping we can someone make more of that wonderfulness come back. We do back flips and distort our behavior out of all recognition trying to make it happen. Pretty soon we are fully enveloped in the insanity and we lose our perspective.

Getting recovery for ourselves can help us get our lives back on track. I hope you can learn all you can and take good care of yourself. Keep coming back.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so glad you found us here at MIP and I hope you can find face to face meetings locally to attend. I know of many people in the industry that come from and are in Alcohoilc/Addict relationships. There is an Al-anon slogan that says "I can't fix my broken mind with my broken mind" or something like that and it makes sense to me. I hope you dive into your recovery and you will find many people who can relate to your share like me. Sending you love and support on your journey!

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, Gator Girl:

"I stick around because I know he has a beautiful side to him (which I wish I saw more) and because its the alcoholic in him speaking."

See, that's how we can tell we are Al-Anons, Codependents, whatever.

Because a normal person would head for the hills at the first or second sign of verbal abuse. But we think to ourselves, "I can fix this!"

Glad you found us.

Keep coming. Keep asking questions of yourself. As in, "Why is this such a hook to me?"

Temple

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I think being around an alcoholic drew up all my triggers, abandonment, shame, low self esteem, people pleasing and more.

Those triggers almost cemented me to them and of course I like to understand and fix things.

I think its important to understand alcoholism outside of the person as an obsession to use which is sometimes triggered by certain situations.

For me the lack of understand played into my rage and desire to fix them.

Being around an alcoholic brought me to the brink of suicide, homelessness and more. I also know that it brought me to these rooms, willing to do whatever it took to stop being who I was.

I'm glad you are here. I think you are asking the wrong questions, his alcoholism is nothing whatsoever about you. Its all about him and his disease and indeed his recovery is also all about him and his recovery.

Thankfully our recovery is all ours too. I take 100% responsibility for mine.

Maresie

Highlyfavored · Senior Member

As a member on this board love to say "A/A's are going to drink/drug, now what are you gone to do"? I try to remember this in working my program/ recovery, it helps me to take care of myself and be responsible for creating the life I want now and in my future. Keep coming back, "it work's if you work it"

Highlyfavored!!

Peachy219 · Veteran Member

Hi GatorGirl,

I sympathize with what you are going through. A lot.

I was in the exact same situation recently with my addict ex bf.

Going to Al-anon meetings and putting my faith in a higher power led me to admit to myself that I was not getting what I needed out of that relationship and what's more, I was only destroying myself by remaining in the vicious cycle. This does not mean that I stopped loving him, in fact I still do love him, very deeply. But I made the very difficult decision that in order to take care of myself and gain some semblance of sanity, I had to leave him. So I did.

Everyday, I am starting to have more and more peace and stability in my life. I was at a place where I was sinking lower and lower into despair and for me, the 12 steps have been a ladder out of the depths, somedays taking the steps I need come easier than other, some days it is such a struggle I just want to hide under the bed. But like they say, It really does get better.

I cannot tell you what to do about your situation, you are the only one that can decide how much you can take, what you are willing to endure and whether or not it is worth it. What I can say is that you will find compassion, understanding and hope in Al-anon and I encourage you to go to meetings and use the tools the program offers.

Sending you tons of love and support

(((xoxo)))

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.