The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
...he called me. That was yesterday...and tho his voice in some odd way was music to my ears...it didn't affect me like I thought it would.
See, I've been really working on a relationship with my HP and He has just been so good to me through all of this. He has been answering my prayers left and right. It would take too long to tell all of the things that have transpired over the last week or so but I KNOW that HE is in control.....and that He loves me. I'm so grateful, anyway...lol, sorry I digress....
At first I was gloating inside that he had called and told me he missed me, and that he was unhappy and having a lot of problems in his life...I had a case of the 'haha you want me now and can't have me' and the 'i'm so glad your miserable', but then I thought about how I felt when we broke up and I realized that no matter who caused the pain it still hurts, and that in his sick way he hurts too, I also realized that I didn't want to gloat. I didn't want to 'kick a dog while its down'. I felt compassion (not codependency) for him because I know with HP watching my back I WILL be okay.....without HP, he won't.
I also know that tho I love him and miss him that I have detached from him as far as letting his moods, wants, and needs affect my life and that I actually want him to be happy and whole one day no matter who is with...I can't do that for him, but HP can, and I'm glad I wasn't gloatful because by the grace of God there go I.
I know I'm rambling but did any of this make sense?
Makes sense to me. I am working on feeling that way with my HP (~ 12 weeks after he moved out), but still mostly feel pain and anger. I think it is great that you are at peace with things and can wish the best for him even though he hurt you. Keep up the good work! Your faith inspires me!
Makes all the sense in the world. You're doing good. The relationship with your HP is definitely the one that will not go away or go sideways. ((((hugs))))
Sounds like you are working a great program. I never thought it would be so hard to get my exAH to stop tryinging to hang onto me, I worried for 15 years about losing him and now the opposite. I know I deserve a healthier relationship. I still pray for him to find sobriety someday. But I am dettached and living my own life. Keep up the great work!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Makes SO much sense thechee, I am right there with you.
I didn't have faith or a HP in my life for a long long time. I had some vague sense of spirituality but it would come and go because I didn't trust it and I stubbornly and selfishly thought I could handle everything on my own even though all I ever did was make a giant mess of things.
When I finally let go and said "if your out there, I give myself to you" and really meant it, my HP was everywhere.
I still love my ex so much too. But when we were together I expected my love to save both of us. I had very unrealistic expectations of our love and our relationship. Now that I have let him go, I feel I love him more than ever because I no longer expect anything in return, I love him without pain, suffering, disappointments or resentment. The only way I've been able to get through this very difficult time is by placing all my faith love and will in my HP. And I finally feel I'm getting all the love that I give right back from my HP.
Thank you for sharing! I know I can always come to Al-anon and hear what I need to hear
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"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am for myself only, what am I? If not now, when?"
"Be happy for this moment, this moment is your life."
I could write a book on all the "answered" prayers.. like when I let go of the reigns and give it to my HP and I say "please, please, help me!" I have gotten the help I requested EVERY time. It did not always happen immediately or in the way I expected but every time I sought help from my HP, I received help.
I know what you mean. I still think of things and sulk and I want to make him feel bad and then I have to stop and remember that he hurts enough, is hurting enough, he was very ill and now getting better, but its always there, recovery is forever, for him and for me.
But I truly believe we are here to learn to love. Its easy to love someone who does everything you want, acts the way you want, brings you flowers, does the dishes, says all the right things.. well its harder to show love to those who have let us down (there's that expectation thing) and even harder to show love to those who have, straight up, hurt us.. but I believe that's the goal.. to love, unconditionally. That does not mean allow others to walk on me, no. I love myself unconditionally too.. in fact, it starts with me.. one of the most beautiful ways I have learned to love (al-anon taught me) is to let them go, to allow their HP, who loves them far more than I ever, humanly, could, to love them, and to let go of that control I was trying to have over what they did with themselves.. to let go.. "the more I'm me, the more you're you." I learned these lessons the hard way, the best way.
also, I have learned to QTIP (quit taking it personally.) I used to think so many things had to do with me like the sun and stars revolved around me. Now I realize the actions my husband made that hurt me, weren't about me. they were about him. He was hurting and hurt and in turn I hurt but not everything is a plot to get me and not everything is about how great I am.. I am a narcissist with severely low self esteem without al-anon. Haha, with al-anon I am just Michelle, I'm me. Now I'M the one rambling. Have a nice day and, please, keep sharing.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
