PLEASE help me understand my husband - Al-Anon Family Group

lmsfnc · Newbie

PLEASE help me understand my husband

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Imsfrc

Welcome to Miracles in Progress

Alcoholism is a progressive incurable disease. One of the symptoms of the disease is drinking alcohol. Once this drinking has stopped the other symptoms are still very much there. AA meetings, The Steps, using AA principles enables the alcoholic to keep the symptoms in check. It takes time and we look for progress not perfection.

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We who have lived with this disease are also infected by thes disease. Our symptoms include: Isolation, Irrational Fear, Low Self Worth. controlling, care taking etc.

Alanon meetings, the Steps, the Slogans The Principles ( the same as AA) enables us to regain ourselves and develop tools to live constructive lives.

Please check out the face to face meetings in your community

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html It is recommended that you make no major life changes until you have attended meetings for at least 6 months. The reason for his is that by breaking the isolation, connecting with others who understand as few others can enables us to receive clarity and view our options with a open mind

Please keep coming here as well You are worth it.

-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 24th of April 2012 07:49:34 AM

-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 24th of April 2012 09:39:26 AM

Too hard · Senior Member

Welcome to this site,where you will get a lot of information, sharing and encouragement.

You have probably found the behaviour of your alcoholic husband baffling and I understand this has been very hurtful for you.

I'm not clear if your husband is going to A.A. meetings, where there are women and men attending.

I encourage you to find a Al-Anon group, so that you can have face-to-face meetings which will really teach you the tools of the program and you will begin to understand and choose how to deal with your own home life.

If you read the 'Stickys' at the beginning of these posts you will find lots of information too.

Best wishes. T.H.

Auntyaya · Senior Member

I understand completely the feeling of being the only one "dong the fixing" and in my case, it did not work. The post about stopping the drinking is only the very beginning is right on target...too many alcoholics feel that ALL they have to do is not drink..that is just the first step. Unless and until your husband acknowledges that he has lots more work to do you will conitnue to be the only one doing the fixing. That is a heavy burden to carry. Take care of yourself...so hard to do when you are used to trying to control everything else around you. Try to let it all go, focus on yourself..I am so sorry you are going through this.

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

Welcome!

My AH is 3 weeks out of detox, but not in recovery--no meetings, rehab, or anything. The phrase I keep repeating to myself is: You can take the alcohol out of the alcoholic, but he/she is still an alcoholic. The thinking remains long after the substance is out of the body. And the thinking is the real insanity.

As others have recommended, find a face-to-face Al-Anon meeting. The people in those rooms know and understand the struggles you are having right now.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

In AA they encourage newcomers to go to a lot of meetings and to go out with people afterwards to talk and for coffee and to call them and such. It's distrubing that it would be "only females" that he was doing this with. Aside from that, it would be normal for him to be spending lots of time on his recovery and going out for coffee with people in the AA fellowship. I would say that is a good thing if it was just that. Spending so much time in meetings and fellowshipping often makes the spouse upset and it puts a strain on relationships. Kind of like "I prayed for him to get sober so that he could be gone every night at meetings!!?" I have heard that one many times and you are not alone there. That is a separate dynamic though from the "females only" thing you described. Him spending tons of time on AA and fellowshipping with other AA people is pretty normal for someone in early recovery. "Only females" is not. He will likely throw it in your face if you criticize though and say you do not want him to be in recovery.

Alanon will be a good place to get busy on your own recovery. Not everything your husband does is going to make sense. Getting out of treatment does not mean "well" by a long shot. That's just the step off point and getting sober is committing to a whole new lifestyle that does involve meetings and service and belonging to a fellowship of men and women.

Tigger · Senior Member

I can also vey much relate to being the inly one seeming to care about our relationship. My partner often says to me "I know I don't act as if I care, but dealing with your needs and feelings and the relationship is too overwhelming for me and I can't cope with that right now". Right now has been going on a l-o-n-g time, but it is something I know I have to accept as I can't change what someone has the recovery or resources to be for me. I can't change what they want or are ready for. And while it hurts like hell, it is how it is for them and my choice to stay and wait. What I do know is that keep pressuring my partner for the responsibility I think they "should" be taking only leads to more hurt, and keep doing something that doesn't work is the insanity we talk of in alanon step 2. I am so sorry for your pain and I hope you can start putting all that energy you spent trying to get him to give what he cannot (yet) into taking care of and focusing on you. Love Tigger x

lmsfnc · Newbie

thank you everyone for the positive info. He is going to co ed meetings all day every day..literally. he leaves at 8am and is home at 10pm. I get that he needs to work on himself, but when he is done doing that he will have nothing else left but himself. His three children dont understand why he has no room for them, that just does not seem like a good way to get sober.And he is still lyeing about everything..and i know that is not part of the program, right?? Maybe i just need some help with how to leave- without distroying what is left...

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.