AH Hiding Beer Again - Al-Anon Family Group

DogMom · Member

AH Hiding Beer Again

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs DM,

I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. There are some great conference approved lit out there, .. there is a great book that is not conference approved book called Getting Them Sober, Toby Rice Drew (Toby Drew Rice). It's not a thick read and it's got a lot of good stuff in there.

One of my fav lines is now this .. he's going to drink or not drink .. what are YOU going to do?

Something I learned in this experience is asking a question or confronting about something I already know the answer to is what puts me on the crazy train to looneyville. It's not a fun place to go as I loose much more than I gain. Are you going to believe what you are told or what you see? It gives away my power because I am trying to rationalize with someone who is caught in such a dome of denial they can't begin to know the difference between the lies they have told and the truth. The other issue is the lying is not personal, it's all about the disease.

Do you have a sponsor? Meetings, sponsor, reading .. those are the things that have helped me heal.

Hugs P :)

Keep coming back it does get better :)

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I am glad you came here and posted! When I read your post you state that you want to yell, but you know it won't help. Try not to take it personally that he has a disease that makes him hide beer. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews is an amazing book and I second the recommendation! Also my 3 daily readers Courage to Change, One Day at a Time and Hope For Today all are very helpful for me to starting my day. I picked up my daily readers for $5 each at my Al-anon face to face meetings. I am sending you love and support!

DogMom · Member

Thank you. I probably won't be able to make a F2F tonight but hopefully on Thursday.

danni · Senior Member

My AH drinks after I go to sleep too. We also have two little children. The meetings help tremendously, and after a year and a half of working the program, the detatchment has gotten so much easier. For me, as long as the safety of the children and me weren't compromised, I stay completely out of it. This way my husband has the opportunity to really experience his relationship with alcohol without using my nagging or unhappiness as a distraction. It has really been a case of Let Go and Let God (I had no relationship with a higher power before program) and moving forward with MY life and MY growth. It was not easy at first, but it has gotten easier. At first by not mentioning the drinking, i felt like I was giving him permission, but then I realized that the permission was not mine to give. He is a grown man with the right to try to figure it out by himself, and at the same time, I have the right to set boundaries as needed (the programs helps me so much in figuring out where those healthy boundaries lie) and take back the focus and energy and devote it to my life. This shift of focus has been miraculous for me, and I am finding a new richness to life that I didn't think could exsist for me. the anger and resentment is still there sometimes, but it has diminished greatly, and I now have tools to help me with those feelings when they come up. I have even (gasp!) been able to come up with some compassion lately. Hope this helps and keep coming back. It really does work. I am sending you so much support and true understanding. Take care! p.s. The Courage to Change, One Day at a Time in Al Anon, and the "just for today" bookmark reading I received in the newcomer packet help keep me focused on myself on a daily basis

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

You've gotten some wonderful support here and I really liked what Danni shared here. I, too, have an AH who was drinking at night and hiding the alcohol, lying about it, justifying it, etc. He told me recently that all middle aged men drink after their wives go to bed, because it's so stressful being a white middle class guy in America these days. Seriously???? All I hear when he does these things is the sound the adults on the Charlie Brown cartoons make: waha wah, wa, wa....or sometimes I just hear a duck quacking, LOL!

For me, the best book was Getting them Sober, and I go back and read some of it at least once every few weeks now. One thing I remember hearing on these boards a few months ago is that we have to let them have the dignity to be a human being who makes their own choices and suffers the consequences of those decisions. Once we do that, we are free to change and become who we need to be. Not that it's easy, but you can do it.

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

danni hit it right on the head

the more we complain and nag...the more they can blame us for drinking...if we detach and stop controlling..then .they will either drink or not...it's up to them.

for me, I spent years trying everything to get him to change...3 rehabs..etc etc..and in the end, it was the lying that I couldn't live with...which, is an integral part of the disease

DogMom · Member

Thanks everyone. I does feel so comforting to hear from others who understand completely what I am feeling and thinking.
Well, I calmly asked AH if he could please rid the house of all the empties since tomorrow is recycling day and he said yes. When I got home b/f lunch, he had already done it. I was happy about that. I didn't make any other comments about it.

I know I have to work on myself. Sometimes I just lack the energy to do what I know I need to do.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.