The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I know the last post I wrote I was sounding a lot stronger and happier about being done with my drug-addicted ex boyfriend. He recently got out of jail on the 13th and contacted me right away. Mind you, he moved back in with the mother of his child and has been using her phone to contact me.
On Thursday at 2:00 am to about 10:00pm he was harrassing me and threatening me that he was going to come to my house and show my parents all our texts, messages etc. (He would always use this against me to do stuff for him or make me scared, since my parents didnt know we were dating)
Every text he sent me was a bi-polar text. One minute it would be we need to talk, i miss you,im sorry. To saying, your just a hoe and your just made I didnt want you and You think this is funny I will have the last laugh.
I was sitting at work fuming because he would'nt stop. He called me a child for not answering him and I let it get to me. I couldn't help it. I burst out crying and my friend got on the phone with him and put him straight. Everyone of my friends calls him a pyscho and he is going crazy because I didnt answer him.
He texts me later that night apologizing that he and her will never be together again, he is moving out and wants to work hard for our relationship. I still didn't answer him and now he decided to stop texting and commenting on my facebook and decided to post pictures of her and saying how much he loves her and how they are taking showers together, etc. He removed my business fan page off of his
This is what is really hurting. The rejection without him even speaking to me. He decided I am not worth the fight because I didnt fold in this time and now he is back in love with her. I know obviously he doesnt since he could say all this stuff to me. But I now wish I spoke to him, I now wish I couldve ended it smoothly or as friends. Why am I not the one that is worth it or he would fight for.
The feeling of him wanting me again and me saying NO was so empowering but now i feel so empty like he woke up and said I dont need her. He lied to me to everyone saying I slept with all his friends to make himself look good.
Why did I have to be harrassed and treated like this? why does he have to talk to me like I am still his side girl?
Will he ever gain respect or regret what he did?
My friend who is a yr clean in NA said he hasnt even gotten help yet. His mind is still in the disease. He got off with no probation so i know he is drinking and even smoking pot. Im sure it wont take long before he goes back to the drugs.
But she told me it didnt matter that he was in jail drug free for 4 months, his mind is not clear. is this true?
I started going to AL-ANON meetings before anyone reminds me to go! lol I enjoy it but the fear and anxiety and questioning has left me numb again and lost.
Thank you for all who reply! It REALLY REALLY HELPS!!! No matter how harsh!!!
"My friend who is a yr clean in NA said he hasnt even gotten help yet. His mind is still in the disease. He got off with no probation so i know he is drinking and even smoking pot. Im sure it wont take long before he goes back to the drugs.
But she told me it didnt matter that he was in jail drug free for 4 months, his mind is not clear. is this true?"
All true! He's headed down a one way street with jail or prison at the end of it. It is the disease that does the lying and so on. Believe it or not .. it's not even personal .. if you can look at him and see the disease speaking it really is clearer on how insane the disease is.
I don't know if this would help or not have you considered writing down on a piece of paper the pro's and con's of the relationship what are you getting out of it (I'm referring to emotional payoff)? Then make a list of what you want in a relationship, not with him .. just what you want in a relationship. Does it match? Pray about the answer you get out of that exercise and based upon your HP decide what you need to do next.
You are a grown woman .. so what if he tells your parents? That is just one way he has power over you and over the situation which really .. he has none unless you freely give it. This is what has worked in the past and so of course this is what he's going to go to.
If nothing changes .. nothing changes. So speaking of changes? LOL .. do you have a sponsor (see I got around asking if you are going to meetings .. lol :))? This is the kind of thing where it helps to have someone you can call when the insanity ensues and it does that is the truth of it. Working the steps is so key in recovery and making different choices.
Take care of yourself, you need to decide if you are worth the work of the program to get out of a painful situation. Keep coming back and no matter what we are all here to support you. If you don't do the work of the program all of the support in the world won't help if nothing changes .. nothing changes .. it's kind of a two way street on that end of things.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thank you! It means much. I think I have more of a battle with my mind than him but i guess its easier to put a face to a problem. At the point where he was harrassing me, my friends were laughing at him and my friend made him feel so stupid. He told my friend lies about me just so he can make himself look better. I cant believe the thoughts that goes through his mind. Im not gonna lie the thought of him wanting me back and me not wanting him was empowering. But the rejection of him leaving me (in a sane person's head, be good news) but for me, it baffles me and left me numb because how can he say he would fight for me and decide in less than a day "ahh nevermind I'm just gonna stay with my baby mama".
I laugh at him, I pity him for his disease but i still cant forgive him and get him out of my mind. i guess time has to be on my side.
My friend told me to go to a NA meeting also to see how his addiction works but for me i feel like I can't have sympathy for him at the moment. And I also get afraid that he will seek help before me or change before me and i will be upset. Either way, I dont think his plans to do step work and go to meetings will be in action any time soon.
Do you journal, can you go back and read what you wrote and every post you have made here at MIP and read it as if someone else had posted and think what ESH you would want to give that person. I hear that you are hurting and sad and feeling like what if you would have answered that call. I believe everything happens for a reason. Do you have a sponsor or have Al-anoners to call when you feel yourself spiraling into the pit of despair? I am glad you came here and posted and trusted us with your vulnerabilities, I know it is not easy! In one of my daily readers Courage to Change April 20th on the bottom of the page it really struck me "You will get to the point where your demons, which are terrifying, get smaller and smaller and you get bigger and bigger". This happened for me as I faced my fears and got through them one by one by working my program and focused on me and not my exAH. I hope you can dive into some Al-anon literature if you can and some extra meetings. Keep coming back and posting. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Trust me, I know exactly how you feel.
Even though he may have stopped using for 4 months, sobriety is NOT recovery. I speak from personal experience. I used to tell myself that because I could stop using for a few months at a time I had my drug use under control. But my behavior, thoughts and actions during my sober stints was still all over the place. This is whats called being a "Dry Drunk"
I also know how painful and difficult it is to leave and detach from an addict that you love and who says they love you. However the truth of the matter is that as long as an addict does not have genuine recovery, we are incapable of acting responsibly and rationaly, even if we do love someone, the bottom line is that we do not love ourselves and we let our disease run and ruin our lives as well as the lives of those closest to us.
Please keep going to meetings and working the steps. Open your heart and mind to the message of hope and recovery al-anon offers. It may not seem like it at times, but with perserverance, patience and faith, it really does get better!
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"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am for myself only, what am I? If not now, when?"
"Be happy for this moment, this moment is your life."
Long before I met my AH I dated a lot. I dated a meth addict, although I didn't know it until many years later. I dated a guy who like cocaine, didn't realize this until I put 2 and 2 together.
The first I mention hit rock bottom and found recovery. Is actively involved in NA. The second I don't know I was fortunate to get away from him and the toxicity of the relationship.
I dated another guy was was an alcoholic, didn't realize it until I was finding my own way home from an out of town weekend get away.
Why am I sharing this? I share because their behaviors as active addicts were variations of the same. Always the victim. Nothing was ever their fault. I was an angel one moment and something not worth repeating the next.
"He decided I am not worth the fight because I didnt fold in this time and now he is back in love with her." It has nothing to do with you or her. He is sick, he is an addict.
What are you going to do to pull yourself out of this place you are in? Do you have a meeting you can go to? Do you have Al-Anon books or brochures on hand to read? Do you have a friend who is in Al-Anon that you can call?
You have no control over him, what he does or does not do is none of your business. You have to realize that YOU are worth fighting for. YOU have a reason for being here. YOU are worth getting to know.
