So, in many conversations/discussions/arguments with AH I felt I always had to prove that I was right (which I usually was, LOL) and it was so darn draining going back and forth with him over something that I knew I could prove if he would just let it be.  I would get flustered, frustrated, angry, and just feel defeated by the time it was almost over and AH has a way of making a 5 minute thing turn into a half hour thing, can anyone else relate?

So, this AM I told AH that I wanted to go to church this weekend.  We haven't been in 3 years and ever since my dad died back in December I've felt a serious pull to go back.  Anyway, I've mentioned periodically over the past few months that I want to go back and AH never responded.  He never initiated any attempt to get us all to church, he never went into a deep conversation with me about actually going or where I would like to attend, etc.  Quite frankly, he never gave me any feedback or any indication that he himself wanted to go at all.  And, one of the reasons I stopped going years ago is because of how much he complained about the congregation, the traffic, the message, organized religion, etc.  blah, blah, blah.  His negativity got so bad that I just decided that church wasn't for me and once I stopped going, we all stopped going.  

Anyway, I invited him to go along and told him that I know the church has Sat Eve service and Sun AM service.  I know he plays tennis every Sunday AM so I told him to let me know if he wants to go so that I can plan for which service.  His words, "I'll think about it."  So, AH and our son get home from playing tennis for a few hours and son says, "Are we going to church tonight."  And, I said, "Well, that depends on whether your dad wants to go.  If he wants to come along, we'll go tonight.  If he doesn't, we can go to the Sun AM service."

AH was in the room and says, "I said I'll go.  I just didn't know if they had Sat eve services."  So, right there: I could have gone off about how I told him specifically that they have both Sat and Sun services and that his answer to me this AM was: I'll think about it.  But, I dropped it and just smiled through gritted teeth wondering why he does this to me.

Then, I was sitting out by the pool and AH comes out to hand me my phone.  I specifically said, "Honey, you don't have to go to church just because I'm going.  I know that you have some issues with church and I don't want you to feel obligated."  To which he says, "Me?  I don't have a problem with church!  I have a problem with the congregation but now that I'm on anti-depressants I'll be just fine.  You're the one who hasn't wanted to go to church."   Sigh....now again, I could have hopped on his crazy train and kept blowin' my horn for nothing, right?  I have repeatedly mentioned my wanting to go to church for months and he never responded or took any initiative to get us there as a family.  All of a sudden, he's pro-church and he has no problem going?  Yet, he's never made a peep about ever wanting to go to any service in the last 3 years?  

There's a big part of me that wishes he would just stay home.  Just the conversations we had today have already put a bad taste in my mouth about going back but I feel that I made a commitment to myself to go back.  I just wish things would be easier with him, yet I'm proud of myself for not engaging, not arguing, and not having to be right......even when I know I am, LOL!!!!