I am desperate! I do not know what to do....she is tearing me apart!

I have my compassion and my oath of "in sickness and in health" as well as my Catholicism on one side and her morphine, tramadol, oxycotin addiction on the other as well as ones I may not be aware of.

 

She is mean to me. She is condescending to me. She belittles me and undermines my efforts in our home. She manipulates me constantly and has become very generous with my time against my will and inclinations. When I stand up for myself it makes things worse.

 

My wife uses her potentially fatal health issues not only to abuse her prescriptions, but uses it as an excuse to bludgeon me with guilt trips.

 

I am sorry that I have not made it to any meetings, but she has her claws in me and if I divulge that I am going to a local meeting I have no doubt her punishments will get worse. I don't believe I can sneak off to one as the ones available to me conflict with my usual arrival to our home where I am the omnipresent everything for anything to get done. Whether it is cleaning, laundry, dishes, making sure the boys are doing there homework to making sure they bathe and brush their teeth every night I am the only bulwark of reason and responsibility in our home.

 

But I am breaking! I am so mad! This is so unfair!

 

If I leave her and take the boys I will become the devil incarnate in everyone's eyes and her lawyer father and lawyer sister will likely take turns rending my flesh off me slowly in court!

Is there anyone here in the Milwaukee area that can help me? I am cornered and I don't have much in the way of venues to express myself frankly.

God I pray, please show me the right path please!

Following is a inquiry email I just sent to a local law firm:

I have a sick and potentially dying wife who has been battling with a prescription drug problem for many years and has become exceedingly difficult to deal with. We have 3 sons 9, 10, and 13. I am self employed in the jewelry industry.

I fear that she would stop at nothing to destroy my well being, business and relationship with my children if I initiate any action (separation or divorce) as well as try and take any personal items of value I cherish.

I do not believe there is any way that she could or would get custody of our children as she is considered handicapped and is incapable of holding a job or even performing daily tasks of any sort in the home.

I do the grocery shopping, I do the laundry, I do most everything as if I were a single parent under the circumstances. I am a Catholic and I am very conflicted about proceeding as well as fearful of her health circumstances affecting any legal actions I possibly could take.

She has a condition called CVID and requires immunoglobin replacement therapy to keep her immune system capable of functioning. She is chronically ill and increasingly belligerent as time passes.

I am becoming more convinced that I need to take action to not only protect myself, but bring my sons away from my wife's drug addled style of parenting.

I do not know what to do.

there are meetings on line. Can you go to them?

I know when I got here I was desperate. Al anon helped me through many a difficult time.

I'd also urge you to go on the chat room when you are feeling very very fragile. I went there and found gerat solace.  The other thing I would recommend is the book Getting them Sober (there is a web site too).

Getting out of the way of the active alcholic is a hard one but it is possible and there is a relief when you can do it.

Maresie.

Maybe you will be able to take your personal power back today and make that meeting today.  To answer your question at the end of your thank you post - no, not being able to do it anymore doesn't make us "bad" people.  For myself personally, when I began to feel hopeless and depleated I was getting closer to surrendering myself, my obsession, my ex husband and his addiction to the care of a power greater than I could ever be.  I was powerless, plain and simple and at a point of being unable to help myself let alone anyone else.  My ex's addiction was the one your wife has so I can really sympathize.  The behaviors associated with those drugs and the drama and the constant life upheavals that ensued became far more than I could have ever imagined.  I was so determined to help him because I thought I was the well one and he was the sick one who needed me.  Due to a religion I was raised with I felt the sense of overresponsibility to my spouse was what the god of my understanding would expect of me.  The Alanon program and my sponsors through the years (two of whom have been atheists) helped me to redefine my understanding of a higher power. Where I had once feared making choices which in my former understanding of god would have been considered selfish, I now make choices that honor myself, decisions based in self love. Children are innocent bystanders in alcoholic/addict households and deserving of safety and sanity.  I can't change anyone but myself.  You used the term WW111.  I often felt that way too.  It's helped me to realize that I couldn't win without reinforcements.  Those reinforcement for me personally were the daily choice sometimes minute to minute choice to give up control, join/belong in Alanon, keep recovering in a mutual and loving exchange of the Alanon program with a sponsor and redefining god to one in whose hands I felt care for and loved unconditionally and whom I believed extended that to those I cared for and loved.  I hope today is a better day for you and your family.  Keep sane, keep safe and keep coming back. You're worth it!  TT

-- Edited by tiredtonite on Saturday 21st of April 2012 09:39:09 AM

-- Edited by tiredtonite on Saturday 21st of April 2012 09:41:11 AM

Thank you,

I am a little more myself this morning. I was very upset when I posted.

Nothing has changed since then, but I do think my moth like wife feels she came to close to the flame as she backed off and became very sugary and over affectionate to me last night. Is she bi-polar?

....BUT as always there is always a little arsenic sprinkled in with the frosting on the cake.

My wife has become exceedingly more difficult as events have progressed and I was under the impression that I was going escort her to her IVIG treatment scheduled for yesterday Friday 4/20/2012. When we compared notes about it Thursday night she snottily said she had a friend to bring her out and back.

Well ok....that sounded like a reasonable plan.

So I carried on with my work day and her cruelties over the last month had bored into me, hence my angry posting yesterday.

Well I was asking her how she felt, how it went and if she took the prophylactic Zyrtec in preparation for the possible allergic side effect of the treatment and her response was "I didn't take it because it would make me too tired to drive there and back."

Being the half wit that I am I acknowledged her response and went to sleep. Then at about midnight I was dreaming and it crossed my mind and "bang" I snapped on the lie! I woke up all sorts of angry! My morphine influenced wife drove herself to her treatment and back! I figure about 30 miles round trip. I am a bit overwhelmed....I really can't have her drive, but I do not know who to contact to take action and not have WWIII take place between myself and her. Things are strained enough as it is.

Now please understand this is my wife who is socially dysfunctional, she has had black out spells and short term memory lapses in front of me and my children. She has passed out (literally) on the toilet and numerous other places in our home.(fortunately not in front of the children to my knowledge) I also had predicted that she could hurt herself if she was in an altered mental state to her with no understanding on her part. I also mentioned my concerns to people asking me how she was. I would say she is weak and not good on her feet and I fear she could fall down. She is on steroids and has been diagnosed with full on osteoporosis as well as being in full blown menopause. I have mentioned my concerns to her parents, but they are the supreme enablers and have in the 3 or 4 times I approached them poo-poo'd my first hand observations. Truly ostrich head in the sand fools. At Christmas last year she called me at my business which is 50 miles from our home and said she fell down the stairs and was bleeding all over! !@#$%!!! I felt like a hundred years old and weak in the knees! I rushed home and she was abulanced to the emergency room to get several stitches in her face and another 30 in her knee. She still bears the bruises on her head and body to this day.

I don't think she is capable of telling the truth under any circumstances. I don't think she can do anything without sprinkling some slight untruth into it.

There is so much more to write, but I am not trying to convince anyone of what a bad person she is. I am trying to the best of my ability to show how overwhelmed I am. I am paralyzed at the concept of divorcing a woman who is likely to die from her ailments and drug use. I would be the evil man who left her when she needed me the most and would be making her last days an agony of bitterness, regret and betrayal.

How do I protect myself and the possible poisoning of my children's minds against me? I can foresee my boys feeling dad was a real prick for leaving mom when she was dying.

I might be able to make a meeting today, but as I mentioned previously she has relatively sharp suspicions of me and I am a very poor liar. If she becomes insistent I would answer honestly that I went to an Al-Anon meeting and I believe she would flip out.

Awe, hell. I am rambling again. I wake up at 4 or 5 am every morning sleep deprived due to chronic pain I have as well as the stress my wife heaps on me. I am in a dilemma and like yesterday I occasionally lose my composure and I really do despair. I feel like I can not win no matter what choice I make. I need to be loved...I think I remember the feeling of a woman's love and affection and I miss it so badly. Is God testing me to see if I can be a good steward of one of his lost children?(my wife)...am I a bad if I can't do it anymore?