detachment AND Fear? - Al-Anon Family Group

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

detachment AND Fear?

rara avis · Senior Member

Hi everybody!

I have to say I am very grateful for the Alanon lesson of detachment. It's something I didn't "get" while I was in my relationship, but now that I'm out, it has become VERY useful! My ex RA appears to be living/staying down my street about 500 yards away - this close, despite a 100 yard stay away order. Logically it makes sense, as his only friend i know of lives there, and my ex RA is a surfer [ this street is by the water ] But without detatchment I would probably go bonkers seeing his cars right there almost every single day. In general I am going about my life, etc...

Yesterday I learned that his same good friend is moving 1/2 a block away from me. This means that unless I extend my stay away order, my ex RA will be lurking even closer. However, by extending it, this creates a weird nieghborly dynamic [ his friend is very nice ] At the same time, the thought of my ex RA hanging around right here is extremely creepy.

Detachment has been working for me, but this is a bit much. As my ex RA has not literally threatened me, I don't know if I am paranoid and overly dramatic, OR if I am being silently and sneakily bullied. I did get those unmarked flowers at my house on HIS birthday. I feel rather stressed and nuts as there is no overt proof of anything. ...UGH!

Any esh or opinions welcome. Thank you! I am not ruling out exorcisms or witchcraft. Good lord what does it take to get rid of this jackass?!!!

-rara avis

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Ugh, that would drive me crazy too! Have you thought about voodoo, LOL? Seriously, though, it sounds like you're doing as good a job at detaching as you can. Sending you lots of support today!

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I went and got a stay away order from the ex A. I think what worked for me was detachment. I stopped speaking to his friends, I stopped looking for where he was.

Indeed the ex A did call me from time to time. i didn't speak to him so there wasnt much to say.

Detachment is pretty hard to do . I think it takes a lot of practice.

I have to say I certainly do watch for signs of the ex A. I also watch for signs of my obsession with him. I think alcoholism is a very hard disease to unstick from.

There is a line between vigilance and hyper vigilance. I do find with people who want to fight and upset me that if I don't engage they dont' get to have the charge they seek. Needless to say generally but not always they tend to go "play their issues" out somewhere else.

maresie.

Dolly Llama · Senior Member

Ugh, can you move??

If you're worried about safety, there are battery-operated motion sensor lights and door/window alarms you can buy quite cheaply online. No fancy installation required. A good trick I learned once upon a time for cheap security is to buy a big dog water bowl and put it by your backdoor...or get a pair of large men's work boots, muddy them up, and stick those by the back door, too. Enough to maybe make someone think twice.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I think after what you have been through and having had to set up a stay away order, you set good boundaries and I would not let up if I were you. There are so many places to live all over this world and he decides to stay that close, it gives me a red flag. Sorry this is advicish, but I do feel strong about having my space from the exAH and boundaries help me feel safe. Keep taking care of yourself!

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Maybe you could just have a talk with your lawyer that helped you with the stay-away order? Or a women's group/shelter that you could bounce your thoughts off. Motion sensor lights are available at Menards or Lowes or Home Depot. They are relatively easy to put up. I triggered my daughter's door alarms last week.... really loud and followed immediately by a call from the police dept.
There is a big, wide world out there and he has to "hang around" just a half block from you? I would feel stalked. You don't have to say a word to him unless it is in a courtroom setting. Otherwise, let him find out about your boundaries by just "hanging around" too close.
Take care of yourself.

rara avis · Senior Member

Great suggestions! I DO have a new security cam, but am dealing with technical issues until further notice [ broken part ] I've left a message with a lawyer, and am seeing a counselor.

I literally have not spoken to ex RA since September. Barring legal stuff absolutely zero contact. Not looking him up online either. Nada. Putting alanon concepts to work has been super useful in getting healthier!! It's really worked. For the most part I've even done okay with him staying 4 blocks away for months on end - it also happens to be the main road into and out of my area, so unless I drive out of the way seeing his cars is inevitable, and the same street parallels a main bicycle/dog walking path which I frequent.

Part of me feels that if I hold the line w/no contact and ignore the goings on, this will fade out. However, in addition to the above, what with the flowers and his best pal moving 1/2 block away, is sorely trying my nerves. It is hard to forget that the guy is on mental disability and stayed up for days at a time when I knew him. This skulking feels like - poke poke poke POKE POKE POKE POKE POKE...!!!

Thanks for making me feel less crazy. Maybe I can built a giant catapult...?

-rara avis

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with Mattie's post about making sure that is not to close to violate or null your order. You have a call into the lawyer so that's a good question to ask. Hugs and so glad to see you update~!!! Hugs P :)

Wolfie55 · Senior Member

I don't know any witchcraft but I can say a little prayer for you.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

When I started dating my current partner, I look across the canal and guess who lives in the house directly in back? At least we'd been broken up long enough that I didn't really care at that point. He recently moved anyhow. He used to complain about not being invited to our parties and such because he could see all the people in the yard. AS IF- im going to invite my actively alcoholic ex to a party of mine. We might get along now, but not like that LOL.

rara avis · Senior Member

Thanks!

I walked the dog on the beach out front today, and guess who was there? I didn't realize it was my ex RA [ foggy ] until one of the dogs he was with [ dog sitting? ] ran up, took my dog's ball, and ran back. I walked up to this guy and when we were 30 feet away I realized it was him! I was too shocked to say anything. We exchanged just a few words regarding " is this your ball", " No, keep the ball" [ me ] and then he tossed me a new ball. I walked away, my dog hovered around him and then - GOOD BOY! - came when I called.

This beach is three miles long.

I left a message with my former lawyer and hope he gets back to me. I still do not truly believe that ex RA will literally harm me, but this is stalking. I just want him to GO AWAY. I said what I meant, I didn't say it mean, no contact means no contact! Now I need to retain a lawyer again and likely bump up the stay away to a regular restraining order. This drama is completely unnecessary.

Thank you for your support! This program works..sometimes a lot of effort is needed :P xo
rara avis

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

OMGosh .. I swear I subscribed to the thread instead of posting .. UGH!!

Hugs Rara,

I hate to be the barer of bad news I had to really giggle at your last line. The program only works when LOTS of effort is put into place!! Keep up the wonderful work, hugs P :)

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