The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So much of evaluating my life is about unentangling what was me and what was the other person. For me one of the principal grief sticking points has been that I grew up in such abuse/neglect and chaos.
Since then I think I view everyone else as an adult and me as a child/victim.
Now I'm having to see through working the steps (and I only work them because not to is not an option anymore)..that I can't really divy up the blame/shame/retribution in adult relationships. Obviously whatever happened to me as a child my parents were responsible for.
But when it comes to unboundaried/chaotic/drug addicted/codependent relationships the blame for me is murky. Its like trying to tell time with the second hand. They should have had boundaries (so should I? ) they knew better (so did I), they had more resources they appeared healthier than they were (so did 1).
I have often had to get to the blame place before I could detach with people but really there isn't a blame in an adult relationship there is a responsibility to self. And the bottom line is that when I became an adult I was still a child emotionally and that's the reality I don't want to face.
As an emotional child I wanted a parent rather than a partner. I wanted someone to take care of me because I wasn't taken care of. And that didn't happen and I wasn't willing to accept it.
But what I think I want to do is sit around banging on the clock that doesn't work rather than learn how to take care of me because really I still want to buy that fairy tale.
Orchid, for me there is no blame but only blessing. Had I not been an emotionally crippled child-adult, I would not have had the opportunity to be my own hero and rescuer. My HP is the only "other" that can and will take care of me, and in this way I am taken care of far beyond my, or anyone else's, earthly means. This brings me a lot of comfort as I grow up emotionally.
I'm not worried so much about my A's part, because that is for him to work out for himself. All I can do is work on my own energy and emotional health so that people who are unstable, underneath it all, are no longer attracted to me, and I no longer attracted to them.
Hope this helps you somewhat. I definitely relate 100%.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
Hi marsie, I totally understand how you feel when you say that you still feel like a child rather than an adult. I'm 22 and I still feel like a little kid deep down (and act like one a lot of the time). I never really got any emotional support from my family (still don't), and I've been sexually abused by a member of my family whom I am still forced to live with. I, too, look for a caretaker rather than a romantic partner, and unfortunately the kind of "caretakers" I keep attaching myself to are other people with problems who look for the same. My fiancé is a heroin addict, and he can't take care of me because he can't take care of himself. Still, I look to him for all the support my family never gave me, and often get disappointed because he isn't able to fulfill that role. Through programs like alanon and naranon I have been trying to learn to take more care of myself and let him take care of himself (what a relationship should be, more or less). I do find it very difficult though, because I have always been vulnerable as a result of my childhood and recovery involves changing my entire personality...a personality that has been labeled "Borderline", for that matter. Because of my BPD, I'm scared to death to detach from my fiancé, both in the sense that I must learn to take care of myself, and in the sense that I may have to leave the relationship if he doesn't eventually "shape up" and start caring for himself. It is very hard to accept that as a reality, and I have considered very desperate measures such as ending my own life even, because of how hard that reality is to accept. Still, I try very hard to read various alanon/naranon material and attend f2f meetings to become a better and more stable person. I've attended only 4 meetings so far, I am still a beginner, but I have tried to soak up as much information an coping skills from those meetings as I possibly could. I will say that I do think it has helped a bit, even in such a short period of time...and a lot more so than just going to therapy and seeing a psychiatrist, which used to be the only thing I did for years. I still do both, but the addition of meetings has made a significant difference. I am hoping that as long as I have the willpower to keep trying to recover and keep coming to these meetings, things will get easier. So, I recommend that you try to attend as many meetings as possible and in the meantime try to get some self-help books about codependency and self-esteem, as well as some official alanon/naranon books that are available for sale at the meetings. Keep trying and don't give up. If you find yourself slipping, stop for a second to think and get back on track. I had a slip-up last night when I became severely suicidal for a while and wasn't even sure if I wanted to continue recovery. I felt like everything I had done was pointless and that I am "unfixable", but after a night's sleep and reconsidering my priorities, I'm trying to accept it as a mere "relapse" and continue back where I left off.
As a recovering codepedent I am always deeply invested in the other person's part : )
Maresie.
And how's that been working for you? I promise I am not trying to be sarcastic.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
I should say that I was often so involved in a relationship and so invested in what that meant that I thought of suicide as one of the only ways out. I was always on the point of desperation.
I understand where you're coming from. My parents were not involved in my life and I basically had to raise myself. I had no boundaries, no rules, except to get good grades. My sister had leukemia and was diagnosed when I was 13. I spent 3 years being shipped out of our home if I was exposed to a virus or a cold in an effort to protect my sister.
I love what Dolly shared above. I need to learn that it's all a blessing, the whole journey of self discovery and self care and trusting in my HP. If I hadn't had my past, would I really be that much better off? Where I've been has made me what I am today and I've had phenomenal growth as a person in the past few months. I have to remember that it's all part of my HP's plan for me. He didn't take me this far to drop me on my head so I just keep plugging along, working through the pain, and accepting 'what is'.
