The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Great share, Pushka. I'm Green Eyes, and I, too, am an emotional drunk. Thank God I have my 12 step program: Al-Anon. Good reminder for us to keep on our side of the street and to let go and let God. I really need to work on this so much right now. Thanks for the reminder!
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Monday 16th of April 2012 11:12:56 AM
Something that I really really really wanted to share from this weekend were two things I heard from the same speaker. We had panels and then breakout sessions, one of the speakers on the panel spoke about what it was to be an emotional drunk and the blackouts that occur with that fix.
I had more AHA moments in that one deal than I seriously care to admit. I've thought about the adrenaline rush addiction I need, .. I've thought about how I need those emotional highs and lows or things don't feel normal. I live for waiting for the other shoe to drop and it's not just from the alcoholic in my life. I need that fix from other things that happen along the way. Oh and can I find those fixes or create them for myself it's pretty unreal.
When they described what it meant to be an emotional drunk I really said WOW!!! I can so identify with what that is and those blackouts of focusing so intensely on the alcoholic in my life vs on me. I have missed out on so many things with my kids not so much my daughter however with my son. There are just huge gaps I can't begin to tell you about and ironically .. I can tell you everything in my perception that the alcoholic in my life has done or didn't do (based upon MY will and thoughts of being wronged).
Anyway, I just really wanted to share that because it just so struck home for me. I happened to chair the meeting tonight and we are working on the 4th step and it all just really hit home for me.
Thanks for letting me share, P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
"What I really really dislike is the emotional hangover that result from my emotional drunk."
WOW .. isn't that the truth of it all .. in some ways it must be what it's like to have the hang over from the alcohol because there can be so much collateral damage and I have been left with feelings of guilt, shame and blame. Then there is the need and it's a need to do it again.
YIKES .. I never thought about that side of it before thank you so much!!!
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I'm weaning off that addiction. There was a time when I almost felt bored or lost without drama. The further away I get from it, the more I crave the calm. I completely understand that aha moment. I had mine and was almost angry with myself LOL. Great share!
Your awareness reminds me that I too have the disease of alcoholism My symptoms do not include excessive drinking however I too participate in the adrenaline highs, the emotional roller coaster, the lying to protect others, denial, pretend etc
. I remember at my first few meetings when I heard the serenity prayer I thought about "Serenity: My non recovered mind said: "I do not want serenity It would be too boring"
Thank God, the Steps, and Meetings I have now experienced the true peace and warmth of serenity and would never now exchange it for that adrenaline high. I have learned how to tell the truth and say what I mean and mean what I say without saying it mean, No longer have to lie to protect someone's feelings.
Well...since I take alcohol out of the picture that leaves me in the same boat here lol. I have these emotional slip ups all the time. It is progress and not perfection though...
I can totally see that in myself, it was something that developed over time as I don't remember being like this when I first met my AH. I guess it's progressive for us, too! Thank you for sharing, it's a good reminder to me that I have a lot of work to do and that I need to focus on taking it one day at a time.
I can relate! Your realization will most likely soon free you from the roller coaster of emotions. It gets easier and easier.
To help me train my mind, I think of it as a puppy that wants to go here and there and get herself into a big mess. She's still in training. But WOW has she grown!
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Pushka, thanks so much for sharing, being open, and being honest with yourself and us. I remember the first AHA moment I had in al-anon that hit me hard and made me cry. It was this: A lady was leading and I could not relate much to her at all.. She was much older, lived so much longer, had more experience. She did things I never dreamed of doing (but would have eventually without al-anon given twenty more years of this) like hiding bottles, marking bottles.. etc. So anyway. We got to the end of her lead and she said something astonishing. She said that before al-anon she was attracted to her qualifier like a magnet and he was attracted to her like that too. Now I do not doubt the true love and emotion there is between my husband and I. I am in no way saying I could feel that way for any, old alcoholic. But the point is this. The lady said, "if there was a football stadium full of people. I would have been drawn to the alcoholic, the sick person because I was not well, because I was sick." I cried in my car that night, I made it to my car. I realized then that this was true for me too. If not my husband, would have been another person just as ill as I was emotionally and spiritually. In fact, before my husband I was with another alcoholic for almost two years. Awareness hurts.. but acceptance is magnificent. I can't change who I was then. I did not know any better. I can change who I am today. I can change the things that I can change.. and more importantly pray for my HP's guidance and His power to help me change the things that are changeable for me.
Hang in there, Pushka. You are wonderful and these AHA moments are merely stepping stones to get you where you need to be. Our HPs never hand us out more than we can handle anyway.. that's why I read over the same sentence a million times then one day realize.. AAAAAHA, that makes sense now. funny how that works, you hear what you need to hear when youre ready to hear it.
-- Edited by Michelle814 on Monday 16th of April 2012 09:16:21 PM
-- Edited by Michelle814 on Monday 16th of April 2012 09:16:50 PM
__________________
Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
The worst for me was the adrenal fatigue the next day- the sore feeling in my back, the mental haziness, just feeling run down and so tired. Surely if we let our emotional addiction go on, our bodies would suffer and succumb to disease just as sure as the alcoholic's.
__________________
Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
Last week, I was just off the entire week. I was irritable and put off in a million different ways. I argued with others and even picked a completely pointless argument with my partner. Ugh. Like I said above, progress not perfection. Doing better this week and not getting stuck in emotional quagmires as much as I have in the past. I lived in those spots 100 percent of the time before so the fact that I even make it past them at all is good.
