The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Lots of changes happening fast! I'm a little anxious, but remembering that these changes are GOOD. And what I am leaving behind is a life that was slowly killing me.
Packing up my car with all my earthly belongings today and leaving the home I shared with my AH...f2f meeting, yes I will make the time...tomorrow starts my 1st drill weekend with the Army National Guard...then camping for a week to rest my mind and commune with nature...then a temporary room until I ship off for basic training.
I'm finding it easy to feel overwhelmed. Seems like this day came so fast! But it's really here and it's really real.
__________________
Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
The weekend training with the Army was emotionally tough, but I made it through. Saturday night I had to go cry in the shower...not having any privacy or time to process the massive changes happening got to me. I'll be honest, it crossed my mind to quit, I just can't do this, too much stress right now with the divorce and leaving my home, etc. But my HP got me through and now I am so proud of work this week. Since I am prior military, I was made platoon leader and got some great experience this weekend.
I canceled my camping week. I got to the campsite to find 1/2 foot of snow. Ok, I could deal. But then, the bathrooms and showers were not working, no water service. My cell phone couldn't pick up a signal. There were no other campers and I felt completely isolated. When I saw paw prints in the snow (mountain lion? bear? just a dog? Didn't know, and didn't want to find out) I decided to pack up my tent and find a hotel! I knew staying out in the freezing cold I was not prepared for, pooping in the woods and no shower all week...well, I would be miserable. It is okay to change plans once we have more information and as situations change.
I am quite happy in my hotel room. The water is hot and there are no bears. I have a little kitchen and internet access. It is a great place to rest after my physically tough weekend. I am a bit lonely, but having a grand time reading and napping whenever the mood hits. It is so nice to feel at peace in my own space. And, I can get to meetings more easily than I could camping out in the wilderness.
Since my mini-breakdown Saturday night, I am feeling stronger than ever and full of confidence. Without my AH around to undermine my success (he always seemed to provoke a huge fight or kick me out of the house the night before every single final exam in college), I am going to soar! I am finding stability within myself, and within the love of my HP.
I know my HP is with me because he sent me an angel on Saturday morning. This was also the day I packed up and left my home (or I should say now, my former home!). I had all my keys laid out on the counter for my husband (he returns home from a work trip later this week). Went down to the garage to put another bag in my car. Our apartment community has keyed entry to the building and then we use another key for our apartment door. Well, of course I left my keys in my apartment. I was standing at the garage door and thought, "F@$#." If I was late for my military training, I would be in big trouble. At that moment, another resident was exiting and held the door for me. I was able to pop my front door open with my ID card, which was the ONLY thing I had in my pocket. My HP was looking out for me, I am certain, and telling me everything would be okay.
And, it is. :)
(edited because I can't spell)
-- Edited by Dolly Llama on Monday 16th of April 2012 09:34:19 PM
-- Edited by Dolly Llama on Monday 16th of April 2012 09:34:37 PM
-- Edited by Dolly Llama on Monday 16th of April 2012 09:35:44 PM
__________________
Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
Hey Dolly - just a grin here, the word ACK! always makes me smile because it is what the aliens say to each other as they are blowing humans up in the movie Mars Attacks!
Sometimes when someone is talking at me I have to fight the urge to laugh because the sound of aliens ack ack acking comes to me - a good humorous way to tolerate those who talk at us. It was just what came to mind when I read the title to this post. Ack Ack Ack!
Enjoy the little pleasantries you find in your hotel, i love internet access! And, man it sounds like you got a lot of affirmation about how strong YOU are during your weekend training.
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Wow That certainly is taking care of yourself So glad that you permitted yourself to cry a little and then stay the coarse. Making a Platoon Leader is veryimpressive.
So glad you decided to cancel the camping trip and stay safe and warm in the hotel..
HP is with you and we are all holding you in our hearts and prayers
