The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been reading a book called The Laundry List by Tony A. This is an adult child of alcoholics book.
In there under the subject of fixing others there's a sentence which reads - "In ACOA I had to learn to let others feel troubled, depressed, miserable, lost or fearful without rushing over and trying to fix them."
This sentence has struck me between the eyes. I've been doing these very things for God knows how long. Not only for a person here or there, but everywhere.
It then goes on to say - "I learned to detach and not pick up and carry another's burden."
That is the very thing I've been doing all these years. Helping, Helping, Helping. What about me? What about myself? Who's taking care of me?
The next line is - "Trying to fix others is a selfish, time-consuming way of continuing to feed my illness"
What!!!! This is what we were meant to do isn't it???? OMG!!! I'm realising how deep my illness goes.
ah ha moments for me are bittersweet. I feel grateful at times to have the blinders pulled up on my own defects.. but then also at times Im like just pull them down, I don't want to see anymore hahhaha. go easy on you!! I learned everything I did were coping skills I learned from growing up with untreated al-anoners... I was never trying to hurt anyone or be a bossy or controlling person.. I just thought thats how "strong" people were.. and thats how I survived.. Thats why i keep coming back. Al-anon is a gift, a treasure, a miracle.. sent to me from my higher power.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Oh, goodness, this was an Aha moment for me. Thanks for sharing. I had an episode yesterday where my AH was giving me one word answers, looking all sad and depressed, and I decided that he was mad at me and that I needed to find out why so I could fix him and make him better. BAD IDEA! I called him later and specifically asked if he was mad at me. No, of course he wasn't, he was ticked off about work, about the neighbor behind us and the diesel truck he likes to idle all the time, and about life in general and he went off on me about how I can't handle him being so negative so he was keeping his mouth shut. Unfortunately, he started ranting and raving and I knew I couldn't fix the problem so I wasted 45 mins of my time listening to his garbage and then trying to be supportive. Hey, I could have gotten off the phone earlier but I did technically ask for it, right? UGH!
I need to get that book, as I am an ACOA, too. That first sentence is what really struck me this AM, thanks again!
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thanks for that Tracey..... I'm not an ACOA, but I think that is very applicable for so many of us....
My sponsor used to remind me to stop that habit, and to allow others the dignity of finding their own way, in their own time..... For me, I have to fight my arrogance all the time, and try to be really careful not to "should" on anyone, whether that is on this board, or life in general.....
The other thing my sponsor used to remind me of - over and over and over - similar to the second line - is that by focussing myself on others and their needs/whats/behaviors, I was avoiding the work I needed to do on ME.
Thanks
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I wanted to respond to this thread earlier. There is a fine line between helping others and trying to fix them. I struggle with this a lot. The 12th step implores us to try and help others and practice the principles of the program in all our affairs. Helping others does not make you selfish, it makes you a good person. I do want to reach out to a depressed person or an anxious person, a scared person....I don't necessarily rush to fix them, but it's not a bad thing to have empathy. There is not enough of that in this world. You can try and spread a positive message, you can try to help a person, but when it's very clear they aren't asking for help or that they aren't responding...that's when it becomes fixing (as they don't see a problem and it's me that sees the problem).
It is true that none of us can make it all better for each other - but we can support each other and that helps a lot. I guess differ a bit from others in that I don't think it's arrogant to make suggestions. I do think it is arrogant to think the person doesn't have the right to take it or leave it and I do think it's arrogant to believe that my suggestions are the only valid ones. The program is largely built on suggestions. I try not to "should" people too much but there are a couple areas that suggestions are so strong they are practically "shoulds" You should get a sponsor. You should work the steps. You should not allow yourself to be physically abused etc....
It is also arrogant to think that only I should be the one to reach out to support others. Clearly im not Mother Theresa or Jesus. Others are often more equipped to help and that takes some humility on my part to know when that is.
I sure identify with all this and all the shares here. Have come a long way, have a long way to go! I also have heard what Tom said - and I find it to be true for me. When I am focusing on the other person, I'm not working on what is going on inside me.
