am i enabling - Al-Anon Family Group

danash · Member

am i enabling

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

I only have one thought , yrs ago someone pointed out to me that by my silence people are thinking * what thier doing is okay with me *.. so I had to learn to speak up and set boundaries for my relationships .

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

How I learned it (((danash))) was that if a person had the time, ability and facility to take care of their own needs and I stepped in and took over...that's enabling. If they lack anyone of those three things...and...they first ask for help then I am helping. Try using that as a filter and see how it comes out for you. I used that filter once on my alcoholic/addict son & my behavior and then put my hand out and asked for the keys to my car back and it got better from that also. My experience. ((((hugs)))) keep coming back and if you're not attending Al-Anon I'd suggest you look up the hotline number for them in your area...white pages of your local telephone book and get there as quickly as you can. smile

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

You will still be a good, loving mother even when you decide to say "NO."

I like Jerry's suggestion...if your daughter can do it for herself and you are doing it instead...consider drawing a boundary and setting limits. FOR YOU. (not to teach her a lesson...you can't control her!)

Many of us know that our As can suck us dry...and take and take and take...it is the addiction vortex...everything gets sucked into the hole.

Alanon will help you...and you can decide what you will do, and what you won't do, and say what you mean without saying it mean.

LOTS of people in your shoes, Mom. Hang in there.

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, I also like Jerry's suggestion. Your car? And all day? I totally understand your fear for the baby. She is certainly in better hands with you than on the street with your daughter. Maybe you could find a good day care? Or a trusted friend to help you? It would be worth it to get an extra shift to pay for it. But get the car back and let your daughter find her own and pay for it herself. I understand your exhaustion. You are working a looooooong day.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Danash

Welcome to Miracles in Progress

In order to recover your energy and peace of mind I would like to suggest that you begin to attend alanon face to face meetings in your community. Breaking the isolation, connecting with others who are walking the same path will inspire you and support your actions and decisions.

Addiction is a powerful disease over which we are powerless. Learning how to takes care of ourselves while interacting with the disease helps us to regain our courage, serenity and life

Keep coming here as well You are worth it.

Face to Face meetings can be found by going to the following link:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

danash · Member

thank each and every one of you. I am trying to contact someone that can pick me up and take the baby and I to meetings. As hard as it is for me to admit this I am scared of my daughter i have been on the receiving end of her temper. I have plenty of faith in God and acknowledge him everyday and night.

I am going to write my daughter a letter and give it to her letting her know her only option in this matter because at this point she won't listen to me or have a civil conversation, if after that she decides her life and her babies is not worth it I have no choice but to turn her in.

Pray for me, and thank you.

Wolfie55 · Senior Member

nothing more to add in the way of suggestions, just sending love and support to you

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Gutwrenching choices to make. You could pursue custody by calling DCF but that would open up an investigation and your daughter might never forgive you (even though she is in the wrong and it's for the sake of your grandchild). They might also just give custody to the father which is something to take into account.

Of course Alanon is a good place to go while you figure this out. Boundaries and limits are the answer to feeling used. I feel for you because there's obviously no easy answer.

Highlyfavored · Senior Member

Hi! ala-non was a life saver and a God send for me, both of my 2 children are a/a's. When my daughter started using meth. is when all hell broke loose. I enabled her for many years, mostly because of my grandchildren, I finally grew a back bone, thanks to my HP (God), it broke my heart when my 7 y.o. grand daughter and her dad moved 4+hrs away. My daughter chose to continue using, staying up 1/2 of the night and sleeping until 1 or 2p.m with her young boyfriend. She is 44y.o. been unemployed for 6 yrs. I have a lot to be thankful for #1, that my grand daughter's dad is able to take care of her, otherwise, it would be me and I'm 70+ and don't want to take care of anyone but me, that is a job (smile). I was afraid of my daughter also, but with the help of my HP, and my sponsor I'm able to say "no" and mean it, to her and everyone else in my life, I should say I'm learning. I still don't know what I was afraid she would do, but I do know the fear was very strong. I've a lot of compassion for you regarding your grandchildren, for me, it was/is a lot of prayer, leaning on my sponsor, ala-non lit. and meetings, working my program as best as I can. I know it's hard, but you will get through it! With love and support!

Highly-favored!!

danash · Member

there is no father involved. i found her stash n i no i have to put my foot down i am scared. i have no one. lost both my parents at same time n have no family. i will b crushed if i lose my only grandchild.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Danash,

Sending you support and just wanted you to know you are not alone out there. People in alanon and on this board here have been in your shoes. There are several that frequent this board that are struggling with setting similar limits on their adult children. There have also been many posts from grandparents expressing concerns over their adult alcoholic/addict children and how they are affecting grandchildren. Alanon would be a great place for you to not be alone in all you are going through and in terms of getting the support you need and deserve.

I can't tell you what do do exactly, but I will tell you that I have worked with grandparents that called abuse or DCF on their own adult children due to drug use and them wanting to protect the grandkids. In all of those cases, the grandparent was awarded custody because both parents were deemed unfit. I can't guarantee that will happen with you though.

You are in a VERY tough spot and I really empathize. Take care of you as best you can and keep reaching out!

Mark

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Danash)))) you've read that several of us know the fear aspect and how it goes against out best decisions and choices. For me I had to feel the fear and do the thing anyway. After that I also remembered saying, "I don't know what I was afraid of". It's the unknown I was afraid of...my head dream't it up and I reacted to that negative fantasy. You're not alone.

((((hugs)))) smile

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

I know all too well being afraid of someone. I can only tell you that one step at a time, as I put up a boundary, winced in anticipated pain, and then made it through (albeit a mess of nerves and stress), I was able to regain my sense of self by doing so. Very slowly, baby steps, one bit at a time. After awhile, I began to feel more confident with setting boundaries with the person who used to scare me.

You aren't alone, and you got a lot of good people here, and I like your idea of asking someone to take you and baby to meetings. Hugs!

danash · Member

thank you

danash · Member

The one thing i have in my favor is CPs has done a background check on me and know that the baby has been with me since birth. I do have my faith in God to get me thru.

I just hope I can find rides to meetings, in the meantime bear with me if I reach out frequently.

Feeling alone is an awful feeling.

Dolly Llama · Senior Member

^You have your own car to get to meetings, right?

Sending you good thoughts, danash. Feelings aren't facts...you may feel alone, but you are not alone!

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

Glad you are here. its not the time to think about what is right and wrong in a situation like that. This board can help. Let people in and pull up a chair.

Welcome.

maresie.

danash · Member

Tell me this is it also the addicts way to constantly verbally threaten and keep calling me horrible names saying she hates me she will take me down, etc etc. My ex her father is powerful and she is using that on me too.

It has been ugly tonight, I can't sleep I'm crying nonstop and she is just steadily threatening me with xxxxx and verbally abusing me.

I really can't take it.

-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 13th of April 2012 06:59:10 AM

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome!!!! and keep coming back.. you sound like such a wonderful grandmum.

danash · Member

Thank you, but right now I don't feel it. I have got to make the most horrible phone call in the morning ever. If I do not call the probation officer or CPS on my daughter I could lose everything. She drives my car, she lives here, I could be held responsible. I'm praying that they give me custody of my grandbaby, if they take her even temporarily I will fall apart. She is my life my world right now. I know my daughter will be angry, hate me but if something happens and I don't my grandbaby could lose both of us.

I could use some insite, some support, I'm just sitting here crying about it.

I don't know that I have any other options. I wish my daughter would just go to a rehab without all the issues and then turn over temporary custody to me but she is not in the right frame of mind she is denying using and I know she is.

Lost

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

You received some great ESH and I do hope you make it to local face to face meetings and keep posting here with us! Sending you lots of love and support!

danash · Member

She takes my car, she works full time and doesn't show up until 10pm or 10:30, leaves at 8 a.m. Always has excuses why she doesn't come home on time. The only time I work is Friday and Sat afternoon when she is off, I do Home Health. I was working full time but lost 2 patients so I decided to save on childcare and watch her while my daughter worked. My daughter is very selfish, doesn't see what it is doing to me or her baby. On top of which tonight she came home with ton of new cloths but no diapers, no formula, no baby food. I do that. To me that is very selfish, I go without before anyone else. Maybe cause of my age.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I do hope you can find meetings, the enablers usually do go without and wear themselves out for everyone else. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was so very helpful for me. Take care fo yourself and try to get to meetings. I am sending you soo much love and support.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Putting others first in spite of ourselves is the enablers code and rules of the road until we get help and use help. That addicts and alcoholics are very self centered and selfish is also that descriptive. The different thing to do is call the probation officer and CPS and get them to help you also. So now you have MIP, Al-Anon, your HP, Probation, CPS, Angels and all kinds of compassionate and empathetic spirits. Be afraid -and- make the call.

(((((hugs))))) smile

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

So sorry you are going through this Danash. Pray on it and find some solace. That's what I do when all other ways of looking at a problem don't seem to help. Throw it up to your higher power and just do the next right thing. It all sounds very overwhelming.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Living in fear is no way to live, I really hope you dive into meetings and read Al-anon literature and read here and keep us updated! Take care of yourself!

danash · Member

FYI, so I was suppose to call CPS Friday and low and behold she did not pay the phone bill so I did not have a phone until today. I live in country and had no way of getting to a phone. She made me 3 hours late for work today, so I only got to do the shopping for my patient, not only that I was told she had a flat tire and had it fixed, wrong i had to drive 30 mph so it wouldn't blow, i don't have the funds to fix it. Yet she got herself a new android phone.

I have a corner next to my loveseat and couch with a comfy little blanket my grandbaby likes to sit on and play with her stuffed animals, I woke up this am to pick up toys and found on the blanket a syringe. Been praying alot after that and know in my heart that I have to find the strength to make the phone call Monday. She will hate me and I will be worried she will be on the street but I don't know what else to do. She completely denies using, said she was throwing a bunch out. Denial, denial, denial.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi

Trust HP, put principles above personalities and take the next right step.

You are not alone.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.