The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am 27 and have been dating a Recovering Alcoholic for the past 2 1/2 years. I'm embarressed that I've never attended at Al-anon meeting or reached out to others in a similar situation as my own. I just didn't see a problem for a very long time or the point to inform myself of the disease more. I am now asking myself, why haven't I tried this sooner?
My boyfriend and I started dating about 9 months into his sobriety. We had met online and he passed every criteria that I was looking for. When he told me he didn't drink on our first date I was younger (24) and more naive. I questioned...'Not even one?' I didn't even think about the possibility that he was a member of AA. I simiply viewed him as a person who had a problem, took responsiblity and decided to change it. A very noble characteristic in my mind.
A little of my background...I've been through some dark periods of my own life as well, but was always able to pull myself out of them and distance myself from the people who I recognized as bad influences. Coming from a small town in upstate, NY, there was a lot of these type of people and who also viewed this behavior as acceptable. I therefore could relate to a lot of my boyfriend's history that he shared with me. Prior to meeting him, AA was just a myth that I saw on the movies.
With that said, the first year of our relationship was amazing. We never fought and engaged in fun outdoor activities. He had taken a break from his drinking friends, obviously, when he had first entered the program, but when I came around he was fine with meeting them out, even at the bars. I found it amazing that we could all co-exist, which didn't make me question the possibility that this relationship could work. In similar regards I have participated in several AA gatherings. This includes 2 camping trips and a ski trip during the year, as well as anniversary meetings, and a couple parties (including a 'no alcohol' New Year's Eve Party once in while). We were able to manage this for a while without any thought that there was a possible relapse at the verge of happening (which still hasn't happened, thankfully).
After the polite stage of our relationship had past, reality finally kicked in. I suppose he has always been a negative person in general, but I feel like it's gotten worse. People find his narcissistic attitude funny. But when I'm around it all the time, I don't. I feel that built up resentment has happened. He tolerates hanging with my friends with anticipation that everyone will grow up and the phase of going to bars to meet up with friends will end. He get's aggrevated easily, especially with living in a big city. Work is really stressfull for him. And the worst is how critical he is. After reading several different blogs, it is my understanding that it's a general characteristic for Recovery Alcoholics to be over critical. This includes him criticizing the way my parents parent my younger brother, how my older brother just sits on the couch watching the games on Thanksgiving, and numerous things about me. And when I feel like I'm being repermanded like a child for a silly mistake that I made, like leaving my phone in the bathroom at a bowling alley...I think it's unecessary. I take responsibility for my own mistakes and own repercussions. When I confront him on it, his answer is 'When you act like a child, you are treated like a child.' As if I had lacked some sort of parenting and is looking to try and make up for it. My family isn't perfect, but my parents are great parents and have have supported me through everything. I don't believe I deserve to be treated this way, but feel that his negativity may be due to him not working the steps as proactively lately. This is probably because work has been very stressful for him and he lives further from his favorite homegroup now.
We are at a fragile stage in our relationship and I think a lot of lifetime decisions need to be made. While I think that these are some serious problems, I don't want to give the impression that it's absolute. He can be very good at recognizing when he is wrong and apologizing. He also showers me with love and I adore his passions in music, cars, and our adventurous traveling together. I'm trying to figure out if we have relationship problems or if this stems from him being a recoverying alcoholic. I'm noticing that our communication with eachother is selective. If so, I'm looking for advice on what I should do. We have lived together for a year with several ups and downs. Marriage is on the table. I truly love this person, am devoted to him and want what is best for both of us. If we decide to get married I need to be sure that I'm getting what I want out of the relationship and that we communicate more openly. That may also mean that I have to make sacrifices in regards to drinking with my own friends and make judgement calls on who I can bring around him. But I can't be the only one compromising.
That was a lot, I know. I'm planning on going to an Al-anon meeting soon, as I feel that perhaps I've taken his sobriety for granted and forget that he's only one drink away from becoming an alcoholic again. Any advice is appreciated. Venting was necessary.
-- Edited by Grapefruit on Wednesday 11th of April 2012 03:07:08 PM
-- Edited by Grapefruit on Wednesday 11th of April 2012 04:19:59 PM
-- Edited by Grapefruit on Wednesday 11th of April 2012 04:32:17 PM
Alcoholism is not something the A gets over, I hope you can read here on the MIP board topics on alcoholism and learn all you can through Al-anon meetings. It sounds like you have important life decisions to make and knowledge is everything in my book. I am glad you found us here and hope you can find local face to face meetings in your area. I am sending you love and support on your journey!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I will definitely take your advice. I know I need to learn more and educate myself more. That is partially why I attend the organized AA group trips to show my support. He asks me to come and we have a great time there. While I enjoy actively participating in the hiking and skiing I suppose that I feel like an outcast. The trips used to involve other significant others, but lately I've been the only 'civilian.' I've become close with some of the members and they specifically txt me and email me to ask if we are going on the trip. They even make their late night meetings open so that I can join, but my BF asks that I don't and I am shunned to the tent by myself. He says that it would make me feel awkward or that it may make others feel uncomfortable sharing. Shouldn't I be the judge if I feel awkward or should I just respect his wishes to not join? If I want to understand and learn more about AA, should he allow me join or is this truly just up to him? I used to be alright with this, but I am now questioning if I should be going on these trips. I want to be there for him and understand but I think he also has to choose to allow me to join.
AA is anonymous. I have been invited to attend a meeting with my BF. If he were to ask me not to attend, I would understand that is not about me. I am not an alcoholic, the program is not for me. "My" meetings would be Al Anon, those are for me. I think the way I understand it is that often people who love someone with the disease, confuse "support" with "helping".
We cannot "help" them. Helping usually leads to enabling. It's part of our issues as someone who loves an alcoholic. I attended two meetings but I did not, nor do I want to become part of that circle. It is entirely his recovery.
On a side note, as I understand it from conversations I've been involved in, those with the disease often have seen, done, experienced things they feel deeply ashamed for. Most meetings "out" visitors in the beginning to allow those with the disease to know there is a "normie" in the room. They have to feel safe there and I fully get that. So I will never ask to go to a meeting with my BF. And the two times I've gone were because he's currently at the end of a 2 month rehab and I had to stay with him by the rules of the rehab. Otherwise I would have waited outside.
I think if you want to attend a different AA open meeting, but his meetings are for his recovery, AA is for the alcoholic, like Al-anon is for the person affected by the A. Take what you like and leave the rest. You already have great awareness. Sending you love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thank you for the advice. I suppose that the others just didn't want me to feel left out. I understand that his AA meetings, open or not, are only for him now. He has tried everything to make things seem normal for me and in our relationship which is why I haven't reached out sooner. The reality is that our relationship isn't like everyone else's and I'm ready to learn now.
Grapefruit, go back and find some of my posts on here. My AH quit drinking before we got married and was sober for the first 15(YES, 15 YEARS) of our marriage. He did it without AA but his personality sounds much like your boyfriend's. It does not change unless they want to change it. My AH is sarcastic, which other people find funny but I've grown tired of it and it wears on me. He's negative, legalistic, judgemental, finds every flaw imaginable in everyone and everything. He won't even go to our son's tennis tournaments because the errors my son makes in his game aggravate AH too much and he can't handle it! Seriously, it's been very difficult for me and now for our son. He goes off about my grandmother and how she plays favorites in the family because she took my sister to the Galapagos Islands and my cousin on an African safari but she didn't take me anywhere(nor did she take my other cousin but AH neglects to see that part of the evidence). He would say that I got shafted and that it's not fair. He barely knows my grandmother whom I love dearly. She is fair and I was not upset in the least when she took them on trips but it's ridiculous how he will go off completely incensed that I got a bad deal.
To add to the misery of living with his personality difficulties, he decided to start drinking again 2 years ago because his depression was too much to handle and he was too full of pride to go to counseling. Last summer when things got really bad and I was ready to leave him, he finally went to psychiatric counseling and got put on antidepressants(paxil and trazadone). The paxil contributed to his binge drinking which was slowly increasing last fall. It all came to a head back in February when he got a DUI. He has quit drinking again, he is re-committing to his family and to me, but he has broken my trust. He lied to me, he hid his drinking, he tried to manipulate me, and he drove our son around while drinking in the car! The only reason I share my story with you was because I WAS YOU about 17 years ago! I thought he'd stay sober forever and I thought I could work around his personality flaws. I thought I could change him, but I can't. The only person I can change is me and Al Anon helped me see that. I wish I had found Al Anon way back in the beginning of our marriage, it would have helped me see what my part is in all of this. I started Al Anon for myself back in January and it's been the best thing for me to help me figure out what I really want for myself and for our son.
If you are interested there are a few books out there that might help you determine what role you're playing with his personality issues: Melody Beattie's "CoDependent No More", any book on Boundaries, and any of the Al Anon books like "Getting them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. I think the second volume of her series talks about topics for after they get sober but the first book was eye opening for me. Glad you're here, keep coming back!
Recovering alcoholics - even those in AA, are likely to have some pretty strong personality quirks. As much as we work on ourselves and our character defects, there are some that remain or new ones pop up. One thing that I will caution about is that it doesn't really matter or help you to know that the way he acts is from his alcoholism. If you ever stated that, it would be like a harsh slap in the face to him since he's been in recovery for a while and staying sober is not that easy and he has done it for over 2 years. Once in AA, people hold their programs very close to their hearts (as it should be) and you criticizing him based on that is going to send him into attack mode for sure.
This does not mean that negative behaviors of a recovering alcoholic are beyond reproach or not worthy of discussion. A person with more time in the program should be able to achieve more humility and be able to handle some criticism and recognizing their own part in conflicts. This type of emotional sobriety usually doesn't solidify until about 5 years sober (so I'm told).
Anyhow, you don't have to tolerate unacceptable behaviors. Someone can tell me I act childish but, personally, I wouldn't tolerate someone saying "You act like a child, you get treated like a child." My response to that would be "Well you are not my parent so If you treat me like a child you can expect consequences." I would make that boundary as clearly stated as I could and without arguing or much emotion to spark a fight. The boundaries you set are for you and you cannot leave room for argument (or rather it's futile to participate in arguments about them that will result in you backing down from your boundary). For example, if you argue after you get called childish - you will appear childish. Sometimes it does have to be just "you don't treat me like that." period. If the person justifies or cannot handle that - then you have decisions to make.
Everyone has their crosses to bear. People in recovery do deserve love. They deserve a shot at happy lifes and full futures. Whether you are going to be the one to chance it with this guy - That's your choice, but there are risks involved in getting in any relationship. My general motto is that it is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all. This has led to me having meaningful relationships that I will treasure, but it has also led to many break ups and heartache. In retrospect, I wouldn't change the risks I've taken though even when I wound up getting hurt (because I learned and the times were not all bad with those people).
pinkchip, you are completely right. It definitely is personality quirks which I can see from the household he grew up in. He has pinned both of his parents as very strict parents who were also alcoholics. His father drank, smoked, and ate poorly, fell into a coma for about 3 years before they let him go. I think that's when the drinking started hard core for my A. He feels that he was dealt a bad deal in life and while I know he tries to see the good through AA, I still hear a lot of negativity come out of his mouth. He has a degree, while it's very stressful he has a good paying job, and I would like to think, a great girlfriend. JUST STOP COMPLAINING! Regardless, I have never seen him drunk or pick up a beverage. I used to think that, when he was ready and on his own terms, we would be able to share a glass of wine (shame on me). I now know and see how his personality quirks could only be amplified under the influence and that is a sight I never want to see. I like your response to 'acting like a child'...it made me laugh bc it's the perfect response. He needs specific connections like that example to make him realize that there are different ways to handle and speak to your partner, the same way that I am learning how I should speak to him. Thank you for your insight.
ilovedogs, thank you so much for your share. They definitely sound very similar except my A refers to me being the one who has been spoiled in the equation and now it's time that I learn some lessons about life. I'm the only girl of three boys, and yes I have been spoiled, but I didn't get everything that I ever wanted...as always there is a price to pay. My parents supported me through college, as well as graduate school. As a designer, I am succeeding in an established career, while others are still struggling to find a job. For this, I am humble. I still have a lot of student loans to tackle, but that's my thing. The down side was that my mother wasn't always around. She went back to school when I was in 6th grade and I don't think I've seen her cook a meal, send a card, remember flowers at my dance performances since. She is also clueless on hosting a party. She wasn't the type to shower you with affection, but rather with wisdom and financial support. If I didn't make something out of myself, then I probably wouldn't had received as much help as I have. In return, I'm actually more over emotional, I bring flowers home to my apartment just because I like the smell, and I enjoy trying new recipes. My younger brother is troubled and she caters to him probably more than she ought, but that's her choice. Instead my A assumes that I was catered to the same way, but actually my parents have treated each one of us differently in order to accommodate to each one of our own personalities and interests. I suppose that is a lesson I should take in regards to communicating with my A.
I did read some of your earlier posts. Instead of my A screaming and yelling about various annoyances, I experience a more passive aggressive attitude. He actually stays quite calm at all times...this in turn aggravates me and he's a master at it and is therefore manipulative and suddenly I'm made out to be the crazy one. Maybe I am? I'm not perfect either and I have a lot of personality quirks as well. In ways we are very similar except I always want to see the positive side of things and when I'm confronted I become defensive...I'm still trying to sort this part though. I struggle as a people-pleaser and have other friends in their 20s that go out and drink and an A who doesn't, often puts me in a tricky situation. I could go on about these struggles, but I'll save it for another post. I have a lot to think about. Thank you for your suggested readings!
