The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ok I try my hardest to use loving detachment everywhere so bear with me. And I'll admit right up front I still screw up but every once in awhile it clicks and I get it.
I've been working with my son. He's in a classroom for multiple "issues". He has dyslexia and auditory processing disorder. If you've never experienced this, just consider that 50% of what he hears sounds nothing like what came out of someone's mouth. It's HARD.
He doesn't act out at home with his temper, but he has a BIG temper like dad. At home though I use "question" techniques to get him to think instead of react. At school they do the same but when you put him against another kid with behavior issues, yeah well no one is thinking. He's been hitting, throwing things and threatening in highly reactionary behavior.
After what feels like hundreds of talks about "options" "choices" learning to "stop" when feeling anger, you name it I had it yesterday when for the umpteenth time I heard "well he this" and "I can't". It's like I've never talked to him even once!
So a bit of frustration set in, which kicked in my "red flag" and I took a deep breath and disowned it. I said "you know, I'm done giving you ideas and getting upset over your behavior at school. You keep choosing to react in anger which makes you feel powerful, big and strong and you like that more than reacting with stopping, thinking and choosing. So I'm going to tell you to keep doing what you are doing because you seem to like it, and I guess being in trouble, losing contract and losing priviledges is making you happy, so you have my blessing to not change and keep doing those things".
(by the way I was actually not upset when I said this, I figured what I'd been doing wasn't working so I of course don't know what I'm talking about anyway LOL)
Silence for a few minutes followed by "that makes me angry, I don't want to get in trouble, you're wrong". I said "ok, so you would like to choose to stop and think?" He said "I want to but I can't".
"So since you can't then you will have to keep making the bad choices". Silence again.
"But I don't want to, I want to try" - to which I said "well, if you try then you will have to pick something different I guess".
"But I can't, I stop thinking when I'm mad". I said "ok, then you will keep doing the same thing". I swear this went back and forth for 30 minutes as we were walking through the grocery store after work (I bet people thought I was crazy).
By the time we hit my driveway he suddenly changed his talk. He said "I'm going to try tomorrow to stop when I'm angry". I said "Buddy I am so glad to hear that, this is the first time I've heard you say that you believe you CAN try, that's awesome" and he smiled.
Then about an hour later I realized I never heard what made him angry and react during the day so expecting the standard 'well he did this so I did that", I said "so what happened at school?".
"Mom, I made a bad choice, I was angry and I threw my shoes at xyz".
My jaw hit the floor. In 8 1/2 years this kid has never phrased anything any way other than "he this or she that". I replied with "I am so proud of you for not blaming the other kid and recognizing it was a choice, that's so awesome". Again I could see on his face he was proud of himself too.
So what did I learn? LOL "stop when you feel angry". I have to giggle because sometimes I'm not even smart enough to get my own advice. I wonder how many of those talks was me reacting? I'm sure many. Not all but many.
There is an 8 year old inside of me who sometimes wants to scream I CAN'T. Then I take a deep breath and realize that I'm capable of so much more then I usually realize!
"Mom, I made a bad choice, I was angry and I threw my shoes at xyz".
Wow! Way to take personal responsibility! If an 8-year old can do it....
__________________
Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
I am grateful and love examples of change cause I too once was and 8 year old...lasted for about 31 years I guess and use to "I can't" everything all the time which I learned just absolved me of the attempt to be responsible. Then my sponsor (who else...of course) once told me when I was I can'ting all over the place, "it's not that you can't do it; it's that you won't do it". I choked on his statement. The truth often times does that to me.
I read somewhere that what works best for a child in their early years defines how they react to things in adult life. If a temper tantrum gets us what we want then we use that. if that doesn't work, we sulk and if sulking works, then we use that as adults. I must have been really confused as a child because I usually use both techniques at the same time. lol.
loved your share
__________________
Not all my days are priceless, but none of them are worthless, anymore.
Thank you so much for posting this. I cut and pasted it into a document on my computer. I need concrete examples of parents working this way w/children and others in their lives -- and of how to DETACH when necessary and let HP step in.
