The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
this is my first time visiting this site and i stumbled across it while i'm at the impass of some critical decisions.
i've been married for almost 10 years, have 2 young kids, and was feeling almost content with a decision to tell my alcoholic husband that we need to separate.
i told my parent for the first time 2 nights ago about our alcoholism secret. I researched my finances and whether or not i could afford to buy a small house in our current neighborhood. I thought through how to talk to my kids, and what steps we would take through a process of separation, where neither of us can afford to rent while we own a home together.
tonight, I planned for my parents to take the kids overnight so I could talk to my husband.
Instead, he had a plan to share with me. He finally went back to see his addiction therapist and told me he was honest with him about our desparate situation. My husband told him he needed to conquor this addiction or he would lose his family. He had researched some possible methods and his therapist encouraged him to start by preparing to drink nothing for one month. My husband is preparing for to detox starting this weekend. His therapist called me and asked me to come to a session with them together this week.
I dont know how to feel. with years of promises, false starts and no follow through, I find it hard to feel much of anything anymore. For the first time ever I felt so ready to go, and now I'm not sure. My parents encouraged me to seek my own counselling first to make sure I'm making the right decision, and to put a timeline in place for myself, not dependent on him. They told me they would support me no matter what, but they see so much potential in my husband and would hate to see our family broken. They are wise, wonderful people and I trust them wholey, but they also dont know how many times I've given him 'one more try'.
My husband appears committed, has been more open with me than in the past, and I told him that my first choice is to stay with him, sober, but that I am absolutely sure I will not stay if he doesnt folow through with this.
He isnt an abusive, destructive drunk...to anyone other than himself. He has lost his sense of self worth, withdrawn from social and recreational acivities, his work has suffered so financially we are suffering. He tries his best to maintain his household/family responsibilities, so mostly he starts his heavier drinking when the kids are in bed. His 'lighter' evening drinking though means that a less patient, les present father is interacting with his young kids. And I get nothing from him - no companionship. I feel like i've been alone for a long time. Besides sharing responsibilities with the kids and around the house, we are not in a marriage in any other sense.
And I miss who he used to be. More than any other person i know he was truely kind, generous to a fault, caring, giving, selfless, fun, and he loved me.
Where do I go next? I'm not sure I have it in me to 'support' him through this? I feel like summer is the right time for us to separate if this doesnt work. Do I tell him that? Or am I making an ultimatum? He tells me he absolutely understands that I will not stay with him if he continues to drink this way. or am I being manipulated into staying..again.
It kills me to imagine divorce - my kids would be devasted. We love our home, they love their dad, and I cant imagine having to share custody and not have them with me all the time (and I also wouldnt take them away from their dad - although I know I could).
I also cant go on living this way. It's stone cold between us and I know my 7 year old daughter is seeing this. and her younger brother is impacted by it as well. This isnt the type of relationship I want to model for my kids.
So, here I am, feeling frozen, unable to really 'feel' anything, but overwhelmed by the difficult decisions that lie ahead...
Ive seen so much sage advise in these columns, and hope that someone has some for me....
-- Edited by inneedofsupport on Wednesday 11th of April 2012 08:26:46 AM
So many of us have been in your situation. Have you attended any Al Anon meetings? Many folks in Al Anon suggest waiting 6 months to make any life changing decisions once you start the program. That's where I'm at. I was so close numerous times in the past year to ending my marriage. Not all of it was related to his drinking, it was his depression and anger issues that were driving a wedge between us. He started on an antidepressant in an effort to save himself from his descent, but the paxil made his craving for alcohol worse and the binge drinking got out of control. I sat on the fence numerous times and said the things that you said. My AH got a DUI back in February and that brought the drinking to a halt. He seems committed to fixing things but I, too, feel like you do sometimes. Feelings of being alone, feeling that our marriage is just a shell and there's nothing on the inside worth working towards, etc. I am giving it until next February to see how I feel. I have 17 years invested in this marriage and we have a 13 year old son whom I homeschool. I love our home and I believe that every marriage is worth saving.
So, I do understand where you're coming from in a sense. Unfortunately, many of us here have spent years focusing on the A in our lives and not enough time exploring what we need for ourselves. That's what Al Anon is all about. I have found a huge amount of peace going to meetings, I started going back in January and I get great support there. I just recently started working the steps. It's a lot of work, it's revealed to me my own shortcomings and opened my eyes to my own controlling thinking and behaviors. I hope you will think about finding a meeting. Keep coming back here and reading, too.
To end or not to end a marriage is a huge decision. Like the previous poster said, if you are not attending face-to-face meetings, I suggest you do so. I know it can be hard with young children but see if your parents or someone else will commit to watching them. It is suggested that you go to several, I am only able to go Sunday nights so that is when I go. Also, I think you should suggest to your husband that he go to AA. It sounds like he want to stop, maybe this time he'll be willing to reach out for the help available.
Now, I'll tell you a bit about myself. Two years ago I was going through the process of figuring out what I needed to do to end my own marriage. AH was out most nights, he didn't drink at home but rather in bars and the parking lot of the Union Hall that he belongs to or the hall itself.(I don't know, I never asked) He'd drag in at 2 or 3 am and you know how that goes. I was getting up at 5 am, working almost full-time and taking care of 3 children and everything else alone. I'd had enough. Then on Memorial Day weekend, he didn't come home Saturday morning. I was supposed to work, so I left a lot of nasty messages on his phone. Turns out he was sitting in jail, finally having gotten caught with a DUI. It was the last time he drank. He started AA after talking to a lawyer. AH suggested I attend Al-anon and I've been going since then.
AH is still sober and we are still married. However, just because AH has stopped drinking doesn't mean all the problems are gone. That is why it is so important for you to go to Al-anon. You need to learn how to live for yourself and to be healthy for yourself. Al-anon has given me the permission I needed to take care of myself first and to let go of AH's problems. I can't fix his problems. I am learning, slowly sometimes, that I can't expect him to be who I want him to be any more than I can be what he wants me to be. We still have plenty of problems but now we can actually work on them instead of the way we were before. The first 6 months or so of sobriety were the hardest.
I urge you to attend Al-anon face to face meetings in your area the number is under my post here. I am glad you found us here at MIP and reading and coming here will help as well. I read a book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews when I first came into these rooms and it was so helpful! Anytime alcoholism is in a family it tends to affect everyone around it and learning all you can about this disease will help you. I am sending you much love and support with the decisions you are having to make.
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
