The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My son has started experimenting with pot. He got caught, his friends got caught. Lots of anger and emotions from kids and parents. Directed everywhere.
When I forbid him from going out tonight I showed a lot of anger. He ended up sneaking out, I drove to the place he said he was going to be and I think I saw him ducking in a car as it was driving out of the parking lot. Now it's after 1:00 and he's not home. I'm not feeling really cavalier about my program right now. I've made calls and they have helped. My biggest mistake was reacting in anger. I can not out anger a teenager of an alcoholic, he will win. I need to find a better way to enforce parental boundaries.
Now he's either making a big statement, or afraid to come home. Either way I'm worried.
I have to believe that he is smarter then my fears right now. I am praying to a higher power right now. I need all the help I can get. I know reality will hit him, I just don't want him to get hurt in the process. At 16 I still need to help guide him to adulthood. I'm just asking god for some help in showing me the way, cause I'm certainly not doing it well on my own.
You know the next right step when he does come home. You can make it from a place of serenity and not that of guilt, worry and beating yourself up for having a very normal reaction to a complex situation. I think someone here says 95% of our worries never come to pass and the other 5% I forget anyway.
Sending prayers to you and your family, hugs P :)
PS - There was a really good reading read last night on page 150 in C2C about worry and projection.
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I don't know anything about being a parent but I can remember being 16. If my Mom and Dad pushed than I pulled away harder. I know that it is crucial you set limits and be the good Dad you are, but I hope you can also understand that, even though he is just 16, there is a HP who loves him, and the lessons that will come in his life.. are his to learn. So be gentle with yourself. This stuff your son is doing, so many kids do... you just found yours out. For whatever reason your HP needed you to know this right now about your son, maybe so you can guide him. When he comes home, if it were me, I would keep a level head, and try to talk to him and explain that you understand more than he thinks. I would get into the emotional and spiritual disease of smoking and drinking. Does your son attend al-ateen. that may really help him if he would do that. Man, I bet this is really hard for you right now. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
__________________
Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
((((Dad)))) actually your son is at a disadvantage because of the program you have...Get on, get in, stick and stay in your program. Reachout like you are doing here (continues to put him at a disadvantage because you have an army to stand with) and listen, learn and practice.
He is displaying the behaviors of all of the alcoholic/addicts we speak about here and in the meeting rooms of Al-Anon and you have having the reactions that first brought us into the meeting rooms. You can have anger...that's normal and human or you can have acceptance of the fact of the situation and take the opportunity to turn him over to your Higher Power...great choice...more healthier...mind, body, spirit and emotions. Everything is as it supposed to be with the disease in your life.
He has and has made choices for himself and as he continues to grow he will make more...some or many of them will be better than the one he made last night which negatively affect everything around him; his family, his body, his mind, his spirit, his emotions, his consequences, his life. He's running with a brain altered by drugs and that is not safe. Addiction is a life threatening situation however every escape he (me too) thinks he's had will make it worse.
You're at first half of the first step ...you are powerless. The second half is a choice. You can choose umanageability or serenity. I read here that you want and are moving toward the serenity door. Great choice cause you will respect and honor and still love him while he makes the choice to screw himself up while at the same time loving, respecting and honoring yourself and your value systems, wants and needs. How much better management can you get? How much more peace of mind and serenity. You already know about kids...they have their own program and membership and meetings to go to where they make up thier minds and moods to do what the group wants. They have consequences and should have...Oh Well!! was the best response I learned to make when faced with how he wanted to do it...even when he would call and tell me he was in the emergency and had just been stabbed. My response was, "Is it fatal or will they take care of it in emergency". He responded he would live thru it and it was in his leg. My response was "Oh well, if you want to come by later and show me and talk about it, come over." He would have loved to show me his wounds but the talking scared the crap out of him. LOL
I did all of this and more with my alcoholic/addict son and I had program wrapped all around and in me and a "gift" sponsor from my Higher Power and my Higher Power also.
So Dad is left with Expectations and a program and his Higher Power. Your son is at a disadvantage. With your tools he cannot take you down...the disease will not win against these tools from my wide experience using them. Steps 1,2 and 3 and 11 for Dad awesome!! Thanks so much for the 12th and the opportunity to give it back.
With my son the process arrived at simple..."No one is allowed in my home who is using drugs and alcohol."
Well he did come home. He was trying to manipulate, back pedal "I was afraid to come home, I felt like everyone was blaming me". He even used a voice that he uses when he wants his moms sympathy. I tried to respond rationally without anger, but firm. There will be consequences. It will come at a time where it will be impossible for him to actively defy me. The first consequence is that he will not have a car. Funny, he said after we pointed that out to him: "But then you will have something to take away" My wife responded "Consider it taken away". She is a good mom.
Hi dad, Try to get him to talk to you and you NOT to talk to him.... unless it is to point out bull-shite, which you will not accept. Get him to talk. Get him to bare his ideas about the friends he is hanging with, the parties he is going to, the patterns in his life that he is making, the joys of his life, the sorrows of his life, his future, his past..... get him to talk without you talking back.... (you have had practice at this in your meetings.) You will understand him better and he will feel a closeness to you that will bode you well.
If he asks, you can tell him your boundaries, but we have our boundaries for us, not for them. I'm sure you raised him knowing where they are and now he is looking for the edges. Where and how far exactly can he go before you get blindingly angry. Let him hit a consequence before you have to get angry. Then point out that this is not the way you raised him to act toward his parents. It sounds like he is a good kid and very aware of what he did and that it was over the line. You did a good job raising him.
