The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had a major AHA moment last night at a step meeting .. boy oh boy did it open me up to a lot of tears last night and today. We're doing the 4th step and they were talking about assets and that set me off. Water works city .. LOL .. WOW .. I didn't think I had more tears left today and they have flowed off and on all day today.
There are a lot of things that happened this weekend lots of big firsts. First holiday without my AH. I was disappointed for the kids cause he didn't stop by and literally only called for 5 min. He had been invited and accepted to come over. Thankfully, I didn't tell the kids at this point. He will show his butt enough on his own without any help from me. It just makes me sad.
I'm just so grateful I'm getting better and that's where I'm putting my focus is what is best for the kids and I. I do know today .. I do not want the man back that is currently present as I deserve to be someone's plan A and not their plan B. That flipping hurts to think about, I'm not a horrible person and that's something that I got reminded of last night too.
Thanks for letting me share, Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I always tell my AH that every person on this planet is loved by God and that they also were most likely loved by their mothers, too! We are all loved, it's unfortunate that we live in a fallen world, though. I know you are hurting but I can hear your strength through your post. You are doing great and the tears just go to show that you are healing and you are feeling what you need to feel. Sending you lots of support!
You walked thru the first Holiday with courage and dignity. Good JOB!!
I do an asset and gratitude list every moning with my sponsees. It works!! Wihin a short time not only do I hear the words but I can feel that the self esteem of having these assets has taken root
Please try that tool. It works miracles and you are oh so worth it.
I had that problem too. Its easy to see the negative, the faults, the shortcomings, but difficult to see our positive traits. From where I sit, you got a lot of good qualities. Don't be so hard on yourself.
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Not all my days are priceless, but none of them are worthless, anymore.
You work a great program my sister! All the first's of last year were hard for me, but this year they were easier with my acceptance and growth. You are a great person! I am sending you love and support!!!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Hey, if I heard that you were moving in next door, I'd do back flips! I'd be so happy to have you so close. Your posts reflect that you're pretty awesome.
One of these days you won't doubt that.
Alcoholism turned them into someone else. Don't ever take it personally.
Gail, who learned the very hard way.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
No, you're not a horrible person. You are doing fab!
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
I can't post much to the board right now .. suffice to say first thing first. So much has happened and I'm very very very concerned about protecting the kids and myself right now.
Again I do know I do not want this person who has appeared before me back, the pain and hurt this has caused is way to great and the fact there is no accountability from him at all. Bottom line no program of recovery and without that there is no hope of him ever getting better. The relationship is going to have to die a natural death at this point. I have to completely let go and just hope for the kids sake he gets well and find a program of recovery that will work for him. I do know that right now we are poison together .. it's just not a good thing at all. I don't know how you get that back when it just becomes poison??
Thank you ALL so much for your support. I have felt weird all week like I have been letting go a little at a time all weeks. It's as if I have been unhooking from my gut. I don't know if that makes sense or not? It's how I have felt and the crying I did was grieving in some ways as well as over awareness (which I let my sponsor know under no uncertain terms awareness SUCKS!!)
I do feel soooo much better today .. I have a funny to share .. I was at an AA meeting today and son of a gun the topic was resentments and ironically I wound up being the second to share. I looked at the chair and told him I didn't like him very much today (he knew I was kidding he's an amazing individual) .. he picked a subject I'm not prepared to look at right now and darn it .. I happen to like my dark fantasies thank you very much .. LOL! I just want 24 - 48 hours with them. Well I was so distracted that instead of saying .. Hi my name is Pushka and I'm not an alcoholic. I spout off Hi my name is Pushka and I am an alcoholic. I have been attending these open meetings religiously for months now and OMGosh .. there was a hoot and a hollar as far as laughter and I said Crap!! My deep seeded secret is out now! On that note I passed because Lord only knew what was coming out of my mouth next. Ohhh did we laugh for a long time over that one!! Geeze talk about Freudian slip though!!! I'm looking forward to going to Alanon tonight. :)
Oh HP you have quite the sense of humor .. LOL .. I have truly had some great laughs today and this one continues to bring a smile to my face. Thank you!!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Glad you were able to get a good laugh going today. Laughing is so healthy for our souls!
I'm sorry that things are toxic between you guys right now. And yes, it sucks! I will be keeping you in my prayers and thoughts this week. I really have no ESH for you as I have not been there, done that but I understand the pain of 'becoming aware'. Hang in there!
Unhooking came to me (is still coming to me!) in bits and pieces, too.
So glad you can laugh in the midst of all the toxic stuff going on. That, to me, is a true sign of health and sanity and life.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
