Well, in any instance where I had to detach, I had to first separate the person from the disease. I had to realize its not them I don't approve of, its what they're doing. And they are probably doing it because they have been (as you already know) affected by the disease of alcoholism. It always seems harder when its the children. Learning to detach requires taking a moment to reflect before reacting. I always try to detach with love. Its the disease I hate, not the people who have the disease. That's my take on it.

Welcome!

Get yourself to an al-anon meeting asap. I found that  the meetings helped me regain my sanity. Once I got a bit more steady on my feet and calmed down, my teenagers calmed down, too. I've learned many things in al-anon, but one of the most important was to be gentle and kind to myself. I've learned that this self-compassion has been critical to detaching from my kids' behavior and helping them steady themselves (it's the same as the airplane rule: you put on your airmask and then help your kid put on her's). I turn my compassion towards them to sort through what I can ignore (messy rooms) and what can't be ignored (out late because it's not safe). 

Keep  coming back. I learn something everyday from people on this site.

I have two teen boys myself (and an 8 year old). Teens are difficult. My teen boys have experienced abuse, divorce and a father who was a dry drunk most of their childhood, become wet once we split.

I spent many of the early years split from my ex going between blaming him (internally) for my kids behaviors, to even resorting to his dad's tactic of blaming everything external for their behaviors (they act like x because of (fill in the blank) video games, movies, music, friends, etc).

At the time I was not realizing I could benefit from either ACOA or Al Anon, but I sought out a counselor who is very good with teaching boundaries and even helping me teach boundaries. I have a long way to go but we have made huge strides.

I address the issue as an individual issue. My kids struggle with grades, the middle son the most. Yes, being a child of divorce increases your chances of struggling, and yes, being the child of an abusive/controlling alcoholic parents PLUS a recovering codependent mother is going to drastically increase your issues with boundaries, blaming and being irresponsible. Where do you start with that? You start with teaching them to focus on themselves. No more blaming.

13 year old wants to fail 8th grade and "try again next year". Ok son, I can't force you to do your work, but your room is empty, your door is removed, your priviledges are non-existant unless I'm getting good reports from your teachers and if you fail 8th grade you get summer school. You figure out what you want to do, I will enforce the boundaries. When I hear things like "the teacher makes science boring" I reply with "you don't get to decide how or what she teaches, it's only your job to do the work". That's like one of a zillion excuses I get.

The 15 (nearly 16) year old wants to get a job and a driver's license. He got 5 of 6 grades up over the past 4 months. Still has one F. He blames me for being too strict, or his teacher for not reminding him to get assignments he missed (mmhmmm), etc. My response? "You know what I expect, you know what needs to happen in math to get your grades up, I"ve given you several ideas and tools you could access to get it done. It's up to you, I'm not going to nag you or force you however, blaming me for being strict is not going to change your grade. And you aren't going to change my expectations. So do you want a license and job more, or to keep making excuses for your grades?" The talk was far longer but the end result was "I guess I need to want to job and license more".

When the boys get into arguments and use foul language or hit - their dad blames tv, music, etc. So it happens at my house, I hand out the consequences and for awhile I would hear "well I did it because I saw it/heard it, etc on (name media)". My response was (and it did end this) "I won't accept that excuse, you are responsible for your choice of words and actions". (BTW, I'm very strict with what they watch so it wasn't even a valid exuse at my house LOL)

Now it's on a different level. My oldest can yell like his dad - it's this horrible bellowing, frightening and confrontational yelling. He on occasion will get in my face and resort to it when he's angry with me. I wait until he stops yelling and have always said to him "do not speak to me in that manner, I expect you to find another manner to communicate with me, come talk to me when you are ready to speak to me respectfully".

He's stopped yelling at me like that, took a long time.

Long story there to say - as long as we give our kids excuses and things to blame things on, they'll take it. But if we help them learn that despite our world and environment having difficult people/experiences, we are still ultimately for 100% of what we do, think and say - they are bright enough to get it. Use the knowlege that they have those difficulties to be loving and understanding. However use the loving and understanding to teach them they are bigger than it. And know that as parents we never are perfect and we don't have to expect ourselves to be perfect. If you make a mistake today - you have thousands of more chances to get it right.

I just came back to mention what Jerry already said, guess I'll just reiterate his comment.

I want to add there are Al-ateen books that were helpful to my 14 year old, hopefully there are face to face meetings in your area and there are Al-ateen links on MIP. I am sending you love and support!