The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
You'd think that I know by now to NOT set any expectations from my AH. Yet, lately I feel so desperate for attention that I find myself falling into my codie trap all over again.
So, for Easter I got him a nice card. I wrote a heartfelt note saying that spring is for renewal and that I was thanking God for giving us the opportunity to renew our marriage(something along those lines). Anyway, he's reading the card, makes a comment about something he sees on TV, and eeks out a thanks. That's it. I guess I was expecting a hug or some sort of acknowlegement about how nice it is that we get to work on our marriage. I don't know what I was looking for but it was more than just a half hearted thanks.
The good news is that I went outside, sat and listened to the birds, had a good cry, and chastised myself for having an expectation and then getting resentful. It's not fair to AH because he's just doing what he does: he's emotionally not available and I need to accept that. I can't force a square peg to fit in a round hole, right? Not saying that he's being fair to me, either, but I have to come to terms with 'what is'.
So, I decided to take our son(13) on a bike ride through the desert to the next neighborhood around the mountain. We get 2.5 miles through the ride and I blow my back tire. I just got back from walking my bike back and praying that the rattlesnakes were sunning themselves somewhere else, LOL! I survived and will now be heading to a relaxing shower. AH is out playing tennis with friends and will be home later. For now, I'm enjoying the quiet. I read the other thread about being alone on the holidays and I sometimes think it would be a nice blessing and change of pace.
That's that whole going to the hardware store looking for bread and I so relate. When you think that ok .. if I do this then they may do that and for whatever reason they can't, don't think that way whatever .. it's just what it is.
You'll get there though just keep the focus on you and it doesn't matter what he does or doesn't do it's about how you feel about what you are doing. If you feel good giving him a card then so be it that is ok to do. Stay out of the pit falls of wanting something they can't give at the moment.
I really like what someone shared recently about relationships (sorry can't remember who just know it was very recently) taking a relationship and forcing it into their square God place. We really have to go to a place where we can take those spaces and fill them with HP instead of looking for someone else to fix or fill what isn't their stuff.
Anyway, blah blah blah right? LOL .. hugs again and thinking of you .. I know it's not always easy however it's one day at a time. Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
ILD, It sounds like not everything is the way you want it but it doesn't sound horrible either. Your husband is not 100 percent unavailable because I have heard you talk about some of the considerate things he does and says (albeit much more rare than you would like and they may be overshadowed by inconsiderate things you pick up on).
You do know he has a hard time keeping his own head screwed on right?...Not making excuses for him but it does fit with the bread and hardware thing - He may be available to you as much as he is capable at this time. He may love you as much as he possibly is able to given who he is. When you take all this into account, you might feel a bit less resentful towards him.
He will never be totally in tune to your emotions. He will never do everything you want him to. Can you accept him the way he is? Also, when you feel you don't get the response you want from him, why "chastize" yourself? You are just a good person and you do nice things because that is who you are. Leave it at that. The universe will make sure you get back the love and positive energy you put out. (whether it be from your husband or others)
Yep, and you're right Mark. Yet, it took me a few hours to realize I was resentful because of an expectation that I knew was ridiculous. My big problem is also acceptance. As you asked: can I accept him the way he is? Well, I could if he would just stay constant so maybe I don't know the answer to that and that's what is really bugging me. You know how a babbling brook always babbles? It has areas where it moves a bit quicker than others and even places where it stagnates but for the most part it's predictable. I like to think of my husband as a river, instead of a brook. Sometimes calm on the surface but always a current underneath and when a flood happens, watch out! A brook is gentle, a river can be dangerous and that's why I have trouble with acceptance. He can turn on a dime and then be a totally different person. I guess I just wish he was more level, more constant, and more predictable. I have learned, though, that we don't always get what we wish for and so now I have to learn to either accept or reject reality and I am struggling with it daily.
I can relate to this thread in some ways. I put expectations on my husband at times. Things that I know it just is how he is and, still, I expect it to be different, magically, some day. Haha. I guess my troubles are different since my husband is sentimental. My issues are like this morning he takes the last cup of coffee and does not make more for me.. or he does not help me out with all these things I have to get ready... FOR HIS FAMILY; events, birthdays, weddings. I do the shopping for gifts, I get the things ready.. why is it always my job to do these things. Then, I have to remember: he does the best he can with what he has. He did mow the grass today... he is good at that. Life is about rolling with the waves, anyway.. marriage definitely is about taking the good with the bad.. for both parties.. I'm not exactly the perfect joy of a wife every day, either. Hahhah When I give it time, vent to people, and let it go, give it to my HP.. I eventually let go of the resentments. Remember, a resentment is like drinking poison and then expecting the other person to die, anyway. If these resentments are deep rooted and continuous then he will have to pray for guidance and what to do. Do you have a sponsor? If so, I suggest you talk with him/her about it and think about working on a step four and five if you have not yet. It is very free-ing. Thinking of you, sending prayers up.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Thank you for this thread. This is illuminating some of the issues i am am facing in my own life at the moment causing much anxiety and fear. I will look to my HP for help.
