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WoOah! I am coming to terms lately that I think I may INDEED be a control freak! I never would have thought that would be ME????. I am seeing just how I can try to control things like for instance: I do my husbands hair how I like to, I buy him shirts I like on him, I force him to let me trim his ear hair...hahaha! I know that is terrible...it is embarrassing but I have to just be honest. He does not always go along with me with these things but I usually get my way and today he called me on it and said "You need to take a look at this thing that you are doing" regarding my control issues. He had a nice calm way of looking at it and it really convicted me today. If I don't get my way then I pout or manipulate my way for my way(it can be very subtle too)...I used to think that it was all everyone's fault...now I am seeing myself so much clearer. This staying in my own hula-hoop thing is really INTERESTING these days lol. I am hoping that I can find a way to stop this. I don't even know where to start....all I am able to do right now it catch myself but I still don't seem to stop it.
-- Edited by daisy31 on Sunday 8th of April 2012 01:22:48 PM
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It is very difficult to have a pity party when I am celebrating all the gratitude I have in my life!
It will aither work out, . . . or, . . . It will work out."
I value order and adherence to rules. That is my nice way of saying "control freak." Yesterday I went out for coffee and I grabbed a seat next to the sidewalk. There is a sign posted on lamp posts that skateboarding and bicycling are not allowed on the sidewalk. Yet so many people were peddling right past that sign. It irritated me. How dare they!!! But alas, I relaxed myself and decided it was none of my business. Still secretly hoped they would get a ticket or magically realize their (mild) antisocial behavior and check themselves, lol.
-- Edited by Dolly Llama on Sunday 8th of April 2012 04:48:19 PM
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
LOL .. welcome to the board here as a bonafide control freak .. LOL!! You are not alone in this endeavor nor do you hold the title alone.
When my control starts rearing up and right now I'm in full bloom and just feeling extremely claustrophobic. I find that there is a level of safety I'm reaching for and I gotta get way way way way into step 1. I have to really go there sit there and go what is going on with me that I feel this incredible need to control my environment .. I know that it is said .. I can't control people, places or things .. I also have to add the past for good measure. It reminds me that I won't go back and fix my broken past nor can I make anyone else do that for me either.
I def go to control when it comes to safety of my personal environment.
Great awareness, and it all takes time. :)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
OMG...I was the same way and would still be if I hadn't of left him. I know it's not funny, but its so true. I am reading a book about letting go of control and it describes my tactics so perfectly. At this time of course its easy to let go of control, but only because I'm not with him....or I'm sure I would be trying, lol.
Great Awareness and Acceptance Daisy I too hide my controlling behavior under many masks. I manipulated to get what I wanted. I was nice and kind so I could get you to do MY will. I too bought people what I thought they should wear etc and felt like a victim because they rebelled.
Without alanon tools I would never have seen my destructive motives behind my actions. Growing up with alcoholism these tools worked in a dysfunctional house When my sponsor suggested that I check my motives I was horrified to find my true self. I had hide myself from me but others had seen and felt abused by my actions.
The slogans the Steps, Meetings as sponsor are all geared to replacing the destructive tools we acquired while living with this disease . You are doing fine
I can relate! My control rears its head and I am easily frustrated and impatient. Pushka is right then I have to do a first step and get out of my HP's way! I can't control people, places or things. Big changes set me off and well life is ever changing so I am learning to hand it over and relax in the midst. When i feel a spiral coming on a take a big long walk. Great awareness and next comes action. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
oh i think there's a bit of control freak in all of us. don't they mention that in the literature. we confused caring with controlling and love with interference. I remember, back in my first marriage, my wife and I would hold these little meetings where we tell each other all the things that the other person needed to do to change. For a while we'd do those things, then we'd slip back into our old ways. And have another meeting. And this time there would be different things we each felt the other needed to do. So we weren't happy with who we were with. If we had been why would we be trying to change them. That isn't why we divorced but probably contributed a lot to it. Anyway it just reminded me of that. Thanks for bringing it up.
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Not all my days are priceless, but none of them are worthless, anymore.
Yes, I am definately in the awareness stage. It feels a little overwhelming right now because I want to stop doing it but I can't seem to do it yet. I know it will come and it will just take time. I really feel bad for my husband that he has to deal with this way of mine. He works his program very very well and it seems like my defects are very magnified right now because I haven't worked the steps yet. Luckily, he is really patient with me and loves me unconditionally.
Thanks for all your responses. It really helps to hear your ES&H
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It is very difficult to have a pity party when I am celebrating all the gratitude I have in my life!
It will aither work out, . . . or, . . . It will work out."
Daisy, the first thing I am thinking is to, please, go easy on yourself. The steps are truly the road to freedom, at least they have been for me. I have good days and bad days but overall, I do the not needed character defects that are really coping skills in disguise LESS!! Its all about progress not perfection. I still get worked up over what others are doing at times.. but i do it LESS and that is what counts. I know as years pass in al-anon and I will get better and better with these things. I had to re-do my step four recently and include my positive attributes. I was so focused on removing what I did not want around anymore I forgot to remember all the nice characteristics I hold. I hope you can think about those qualities in you too. So youre a control freak.. that can change, I know it seems hard to believe right now but it can.. but you know what.. you're also a really sweet person and that attribute can't really be learned.. you just are! so remember the good things about you too and changing the unwanted things will come easier that way. Sending positive energy and prayers to the clouds for you, my friend.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Your post made me smile , welcome to long term recovery .hehe Try detachment instead of controlling it is virtually impossible to detach and control at the same time .
Your post cracked me up, but I understand how painful that can be for you and your relationships. I bet your guy looks good though since you're keeping an eye on his ear hair and shirt choices! Hah!
I'd suggest working the steps with this... For example, the 4th step inventory of your controlling tendencies could be followed by a 5th step sharing of your thoughts followed by the 6th step - humbly asking your higher power to remove any shortcomings you're wanting to be rid of. That's pretty powerful stuff and a great way to make change!
