The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Where to begin. This is my first time here looking for guidance and strength. I grew up with an addict & alcoholic parents. My personal life has been a mess forever. Now in my 40's I'm here trying to fix me, my thinking and behaviors.
I've only had 2 serious relationships with men, both were active alcoholics. Abusive in different ways, but damaging to my soul. I'm only attracted to the dramatic. Nice guys bore me. Growing up witnessing such horrific things nothing scares me when it should. I've become an over achiever in every other way possible. Incredibly successful career, athletics, etc. You get the picture. Every way except one. I don't know how to break the cycle, but as God as my witness I'm trying.
A week ago I kicked him out after a 3 day bender every weekend for the last month and not coming home until he needed to eat, sleep, shower. Apparently I've been running a sober house for the last 5 yrs, at least that's how it feels. Of course my sober house was all expenses paid! He went back to his parents because he has nothing. They gladly coddle him and refuse to believe he has a problem. Wrapped his car around a telephone pole @ 2 PM, oh well no biggie, we'll cover it up for you and turn it into daddy's insurance. (Sorry venting for a min) I'm trying to let my anger go with his family as I am just as much to blame for allowing him to live here free, lie, manipulate, verbally abuse me, etc.
Back to me, I'm trying to focus on me and getting better, but its hard. Tomorrow is Easter I won't be attending the family dinner. Pretty certain my invitation has been revoked with this family. I will be spending it alone, as I did last year, and every other holiday for the last 5 yrs with him. Only this Easter I won't be home crying, upset, disappointed, feeling unworthy of someone to spend holidays with and waiting for the mean drunk to roll in whenever he feels. The crazy part that I can't wrap my head around is I know logically this is a GOOD thing and I should feel better, but I don't. I find myself obsessing about him. And I feel pathetic because the relationship I miss wasn't a relationship with me. The relationship was him and the bottle. It was me being used, manipulated, lied to every freaking day, put down, waking up to a drunk laying on the floor with is pants around his knees from falling over @ 8am. You get the pucture.
So why do I miss it? I'm an intelligent person so why is this so hard? I detached from my parents yrs ago and I'm ok with that, truly. Why can't I do that with men? The previous relationship with the other A, was incredibly hard to get over as well. Even thought I had been hit, cheated on, you name it.
How can I have my life so together in so many ways and be so messed up when it comes to relationship with men?
I want to transform from my caterpillar and become the butterfly. I just wanna fly, be happy and have a healthy relationship. I'm not even sure what that looks like. So with my A or without my A, I'm still spending the holidays alone.
I too will be alone for Easter since I decided to send my girls with my exAH to his parents. I am okay with it and did the same last year. It took me awhile in Al-anon to see my self sobataging ways with men. I grew up with addictions in my home and well it does certain things to a person. I am an adult child of alcoholic/addict and am a people please/ enabler. These things have a good side also. I am on step 10 with my sponsir and have learned so much about myself. It was hard not to latch onto another man and keep myself distracted, but I feel now that I did it, I am better for it and have a chance now to have a healthier relationship without the old dysfunctions, because I will listen to my red flags and take my time.
I am glad you found us here and hope you can attend lots of face to face Al-anon meetings. I am sending you love and support on your journey!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
As long as you have recoverying family you have us who love you widely and unconditionally...yes I know the difference and I've been there and done that also. I shared at this mornings meeting that had I not been magically led to the doors of Al-Anon I'd be dead on some levels maybe all. This is where God/Akua, my HP wanted me and so this is where I come. To go home (the other one) would be like going back into the tunnel which had no light at the end of it. I was looking for the light in the wrong place and someone in Al-Anon once told me that I was fooled by them...the actual light was at the "end of the Tuna"...LOL
Wanna Fly...you found my diary...the before one...you can have my after one if you take a simple suggestion (if you haven't done so yet). Get to the face to face Al-Anon meetings in your area. Again if you are not attending yet...the hot line number is in the white pages of your local telephone book...that is where I found it after not getting any responses or help from Help in Emotional Troubles and Suicide Prevention Services. You might even get a very live person/member to talk with you...Yay I pray so cause that is also what I got. I found the meetings (again) and went and stayed, following suggestions and directions. The alcoholic/addict side of my family life could and have never loved me like I am loved today and also taught me how to love myself.
You don't need permission from anyone or affirmation from anyone to go get what you need for yourself; maybe just a loving nudge )))))...there that is mine and keep coming back here also. Happy rebirth...Easter.
Welcome to MIP! Happy Easter. You are not alone. Many of us share your story or parts of your story. the because is alcoholism and addiction. And that is what recovery is all about. I too have asked myself why do I have my act together in so many places but not my marriage to an AHsober. He has left and I am left with choices. Sometimes I choose to spend holidays alone. Sometimes I join other singulars. My pity parties are getting shorter. When I started coming here and going to face to face meetings, I was told to stop asking why? (it is because of alcoholism). That helps. There is some great CAL literature/books out there that will help you understand your demise. Grab a sponsor. Go to meetings. What a great step you made by not tolerating his behavior. Keep coming back!
He went back to his parents because he has nothing. They gladly coddle him and refuse to believe he has a problem. Wrapped his car around a telephone pole @ 2 PM, oh well no biggie, we'll cover it up for you and turn it into daddy's insurance. (Sorry venting for a min) I'm trying to let my anger go with his family as I am just as much to blame for allowing him to live here free, lie, manipulate, verbally abuse me, etc.