The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Your awareness and acceptance is a huge part of recovery.
Accepting the painful reality of this disease enabled me to begin to take care of myself and validate my needs. That required that I begin to attend meetings, develop a support system that could understand as few other can.
Alanon was the answer to the pain caused by the behavior you just described. Remember we cannot get bread from a hardware store.
Keep coming here you are worth it
-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 6th of April 2012 06:35:24 PM
Now that I've begun to see it, I see my A's selfishness daily. When I walk in the door I give him a hug and then he stairs at me. "do I get a kiss?". It's like a twisted test of love.
Then I notice he never asks "how are YOU?". Even after I told him earlier that I was feeling miserable. Just comes home and complains or brags about his day. When I take a moment to share something good I'm looking forward to, he responds with negative sarcasm or irritation.
I can't hardly be around him. Tonight walks in all buzzed and just stands there looking like a dope, waiting for me to acknowledge something. He's drunk, glossy eyed and can hardly make a sentence. He mocks me when I smile, and I can't help but be "whatever".
I'll post another time about the "whatever's". That just sparked some deep rooted defense mechanism I had towards my parent's drinking.
over time this behavior made me feel like I didn't matter...and it's taking a long time for me to unlearn that...if you are staying with him...detach detach detach...think teflon...don't let it stick...
I know how you feel. My AH has been like that through a good portion of our marriage, mostly when he was a dry drunk. He's like that now and we just had a talk about this because I feel like I have to initiate a simple hug or a goodbye kiss. He has admitted to his selfishness most recently, though, mainly because of his DUI but it hasn't improved our marriage. At this point, it's actions speak louder than words. For now, I am detaching as best as I can. I just wish I could learn how to detach with love instead of detaching with anger and disappointment. Our recovery is a process and we have to be patient with ourselves, take it one day at a time. Oh, and I do understand the 'whatever's' too!
It took me a long time to figure out detachment, and detachment with love. I still think there is more for me to discover about that subject, but I am a work in progress.
I finally came to the conclusion that I had to do what was best for me. Then I had to do a lot of soul searching to figure out what it was that was what I wanted and was best for me. Then I had to soul search some more to figure out if it was because of a resentment, was I trying to get back at him for something, was I trying to "stir the pot" and make drama, was there some ulterior motive that I didn't even yet recognize? Oi vey..... it was a lot of thinking.
I am comfortable for now with my choices, but I leave the future open for new and different choices.
For example, I didn't want to spill my guts for someone who really didn't care, so I stopped telling him about my day and I went to a meeting and talked to my friends there. We could laugh or cry or have a meaningful exchange. Another.... I hated meaningless kisses that made him feel a connection and me feel cold and used. Now they are when I feel it is warranted...for me. Also he lost his job when he got the DUI so he had plenty of time to figure out a washing machine. I just stopped doing his laundry. He learned a new skill. That was 10 yrs. ago. He had a few pink loads and now has a healthy fear of red shirts.
You have to do what is best for you. It is good that you are now aware of his behavior. Next is acceptance, then action. The selfishness only gets better when he "gets it", hopefully with loads of AA meetings. Until then, take care of yourself.
This behavior is so typical - the negativity, sarcasm, nastiness, and of course selfishness. This characterizes my AH over the past few years, and even now that he's sober working a program, it still is there to an extent. I think the obsession with alcohol becomes so great that it is impossible to consider anyone or anything else. I agree with the good advice you've gotten - do what is best for you. If he wants to recover he can take the steps to do it, but meantime you need to look out for yourself. Sending you support.
Sunshine....I could not comprehend anyone being as selfish as my AH....reading your post well, I could have written it. Dead on. He could always worry about or show concern for others though...it was like I was the 'chosen outcast'. I feel your pain and frustration.....you are NOT alone!! I hope this day has been better for you!
Thanks for the support all. I'm trying hard not to take it personally, but definitely pulling away. I can't continue to converse with him. I didn't make him coffee this morning and went about my business. We definitely avoid each other. And his new thing is whistling in the morning. Just fa-la-la-la-la! I sense he's trying to .... I don't know.
Your AH sounds like a clone of my exAH. He really didn't ever want to hear what was going on in my life - if I had a rough day and wanted to vent with him, he'd tell me to "stop whining"... meanwhile he was entitled to complain about his hard day all the time to me, and then it wasn't "whining" it was only "venting" when it came from him.
The contradictions can just be astounding.
It took me a while to one day tell him, when he started in on complaining about his day to me to tell him, "I love you, but can we talk about something else?" It didn't go over well with him at all. I got an earful about how selfish I was and then a slammed door and silent treatment... but hey, I didn't have to listen to him complaining any more that night! Instead of feeling like I was being tormented with silent treatment, I took it as blessed peace and quiet!
What was important in that interaction for me, too, was to still have some compassion for him... recognize he was sick and suffering and not feel hurt by his outburst.
My AH went through the motions, more or less, but there was no heart behind it. His seeming concern or support for me felt hollow and put-on. Things like, when I was talking about something important to me, he would ALWAYS get up and walk away, like to the kitchen for some water or something. I would stop talking and wait for him to return..."Keep talking, I can still hear you!" "Yes, but I like to see who I am talking to." He did it anyway.
AH also talked nonstop about his complaints about coworkers, his job, etc. So unbecoming. Everyone needs to vent now and then. But when it's constant, it becomes so draining.
And, Sunshine, maybe the whistling is meant to provoke a reaction from you. Any reaction. I know my AH seems to thrive on my attention, even if it was negative. Maybe especially then.
__________________
Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
