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I am new and this is my first post, my son has drank 7 nights a week for the last 7 years and says he doesnt have a problem, he lost his job last year, and seems more than happy to sit round, doing nothing, and letting everyone run round after him, I threw him out of the family home a year ago and he has never forgiven me for it although I set him up in his own home and had it furnised and decorated before he moved in, he never even thanked me.
He only goes out once a fortnight to collect his benefit money, apart from that he wont go out of his home, wont have visitors only my husband and his girlfriend and if friends come to visit me he tells me to pretend he is away and wont allow me to bring them to his home. I find this very embarrasing, he wont go to family celebrations, and its so embarrassing trying to make excuses for his absense to the extended family.
If i didnt go to visit him I would never see him, but I have stopped going round as he doesnt even get up off the chair to greet me, offer me a coffee or engage in conversation with me, he sits with his back to me, and most of the time ignores me, he never rings, or texts me, unless he wants something, and in the year since he left has never even come back here once to visit me.
This has devastated me, he rings his father and girlfriend every day, talks to both of them, and spends quality time with both of them, he seems to hate me for standing up to him, I was the "bad cop" in all of this because I loved him enough to care and to make a stand, I loved him enough to point out the big lie he was living, but now I am cut off and paying the price, he knows I am very ill, and never once rings to ask how I am, he makes no effort at all to commuicate with me and if I dont ring him weeks or even months will go by without him ringing me unless he wants something.
I dont understand how he could be so cold and callous, or hateful towards me, I am the one who does try to point out that he has a problem, that he must begin to take some responsiblity and that he cant live like this forever, I dont shout at him, or accuse him, I just ask him is he happy living like this and he always says yes, he is very happy and he doesnt see what the problem is and I should butt out and mind my own business.
We were once so close, he was my whole world, I doted on him, he didnt see any alcohol in my home growing up, I didnt drink, he saw no abuse/violence etc, and I would say we were just a normal functioning family with no real problems, he was a caring loving boy, who constantly told me he loved me, and that he was happy with me.
However once he started to drink, I was the only person who made a stand, who would not pay his bills, fix his life for him, or enable him, and yet, the people who do, get all the love/respect and his time, any advice would be appreciated thanks.
This is very sad for you, as a mother you want to 'do' for your son.
Co-dependency can happen in any family when children are growing up.
However there comes a time when helping actually hurts the one you love.
It seems that you have attempted to tell, talk and help him in a practical way, as you have understood that..... in the past.
Further understanding the ways and tools of Al-Anon will help you to grasp the best way to help a very heavy drinker come to the realization themselves that they have a problem is to let them get into more trouble.
It sounds like you are doing still what all of us have done, in the beginning, protect and enable our loved one.
Good that you are here.
Listen and learn, hopefully in a face to face meeting too.
I am so sorry that you must face the dreadful disease of alcoholism in your child. This disease is one over which we are powerless. Alanon face to face meetings in your community can be found by checking the white pages of the telephone book and calling for meetings schedules.
In alanon you will be able to connect with others who are walking the same road. Breaking the isolation by attending meetings, sharing your fear and concerns helps to release the fear and pain Learning new tools of responding to the disease restored my sanity.
Although we are powerless over alcoholism in a family member, alanon gives us the power to reclaim our lives and regain the power over our own lives
thanks for the replies, due to my illness I cant get out at the moment,so I cant attend any meetings right now, but I will begin to read whatever I can get my hands on, how does one cope with the loss and injustice of this? Its so confusing and painful, I look at my son and wonder "where did I go wrong" as a mother of course I blame myself, but then sometimes when he acts so cold and callous and uncaring I KNOW I didnt raise him like that, it seems he has turned into a monster, a stranger, someone I dont know and sometimes dont even like.
I am finding it hard to adjust my life to this, to accept that this is how it might be, that I have lost him, I have been in mourning now for 2 years, grieving for the son I had, the son I loved, the son I always thought I would have by my side, I have no other family, he is my only blood related member of my family, I have my husband but he is at a loss too, and often struggles with all of this, its as if we woke up one day and a monster had come into our home, a monster, we didnt know, or couldnt cope with, we had no tools to deal with this, we werent equipped for it, its like falling around in the dark, desperately trying to find something to hold onto, but I know I need to find some way to move on now, I am thinking of moving home, only an hour away from my son, to give him the distance and space he needs alone to work through this, at the moment we only live 3 minutes away, thats what hurts so much, i am so close so he has no excuse not to visit, or phone etc, but he has cut me out of his life like I dont exist until of course he wants something from me, then he actually has the nerve to ring me and ask for something.
I have gone through all of this with him, told him it hurts when he doesnt ring just to say hi, or ask how I am, or that he doesnt call to visit, but he doesnt change, so now when he rings for something I always say "oh, I thought you might be ringing to see how I am, or to say hi, but of course your only ringing becasue you want something" now I refuse to do what ever it is he asks and always put it back on him and say "well, lets think about this, would you do this for me? no, you wouldnt, so why then would I do it for you"?
I am not being nasty when I say this to him, I am simply pointing out that he does absoloutely nothing for me, so why does he expect me to do things for him, that he would never dream of doing for me and I find it disrespectful that he is so arrogant that he thinks I am sitting round waiting for him to ring with a request, or the fact he actually thinks I would do it for him, he gives absolutely nothing and expects so much in return, so I am just pointing that out to him in a calm way that I am a person, and not someone sitting round waiting to do things for him that he could do for himself.
I feel I cant stay near to him anymore, I feel I want to run away, that I need the distance between us so I can have space to work through my pain, and then I feel I am abondoning him, and letting him down, betraying him, any advice about this would be most grateful, do I sit round here down the road from him stewing in pain and loss, or do I move away and try to start a new life, think of myself, and give him the time and space he might need to grow up and mature, right now he is acting like a spoilt teenager, and he demands a lot of time and attention, but gives none back, but he is nearly 25 and I have given him so much time and attention and nothing works, absolutely nothing, he says he is really happy living how he lives and I am the only one causing the problems.
I hear you . The son you loved and cherished is very ill just like my son was and having expectations of someone who is suffering from this disease is a waste of your precious time. Arguing or reasoning with insanity does not work I needed to acknowleddge that alcoholism is a fatal progressive illness over which I was powerless.
I knew that if I was going to survive I needed to learn new ways of interacting with the world and my family We have on line meetings here and a chat room I urge you to connect with others who are walking the same path
Learning to live one day at a time, focused on my needs trusting a Higher Power saved my life
Welcome to MIP! I am sorry you are dealing with this disease in your son! The disease takes over our loved ones and their is no understanding the irrational carzy making that comes out of this disease. I like to read my daily readers every morning, Hope for Today, Courage to Change and One Day at a Time. Also the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was very helpful for me. They have meetings here at MIP and I hope you are able to take care of yourself in the midst of this! Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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