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Well, seriously nothing has changed, I'm not here to take his inventory .. with no program of recovery, with no follow through on his part. It is what it is .. I just can't allow the chaos back into our home. I know I deserve better and I'm not as healed as I need to be right now.
Since Sunday I have been threatened financially. I've been told he's not moving home for a year. I've been told he's going to treatment (he's not). He's wished himself ill (I'm going to have a heart attack and you can just have the insurance money). He's just completely lost his mind totally and completely. Over things that he's already agreed to, over things that are not truly important. Oh by the way I'm suppose to trust him to fulfill his financial obligation after all this on Sunday, come Monday he's acting normal and of course he's being nice which for me is a HUGE red flag. I even asked him .. lol .. why are you being nice to me? He was insulted I asked .. really??
The part I will own is that I've a tendency to kind of text like a talk. Which can mean I'm working things out in my head. In my texts I say nothing mean or ill intent .. it's just kind of thinking outloud. There was NO call for his reaction a normal person would not react in that manner. A normal person would probably laugh and say .. umm .. what are you doing? They would not go into a huge diatrabe about things via text that need to be discussed face to face.
During these rants there is no mention of what do I want. In all fairness I think when we talk face to face those conversations are slanted towards me. He doesn't participate because it means personal responsibility and he has to face me. texting he can spew all kinds of things and not have to see me.
Anyway, I'm really learning how to detach from all of this madness .. and it is crazy making. I'm trying to focus on me, the visit with my mom, the kids and leave this crap alone. It's sure not an easy road and I am so grateful he is no longer living in this house thank HP!!!
I've fallen down a few times since Sunday, I get back up .. I'm just very very very wary of him and this whole situation. He is very unstable and I don't think he even realizes how unstable he truly is at the moment. That is the part that I feel very uncomfortable with right now.
Thanks for letting me share, hugs P :)
PS - Thank you God for sponsors .. I truly do not know what I would do without mine at the moment.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I have been guilty of texting in place of conversations that should be held face to face. Even emailing when I should have dealt with it face to face.
It's easy to rant and rave when you can hide behind a phone or computer. Face to face you are reminded that there is a real person receiving what you are dishing out.
You have been working your program, you are aware. You remember that this is not normal and you can not have rational with an irrational person.
So glad you are having a good visit with your mom!!!
My AH won't text a conversation nor will he respond to emails. It has to be over the phone or in person, which doesn't make it any easier. Your AH sounds like what mine was like when he was a dry drunk for 15 years. One minute he was completely normal and then the next minute he's talking about how he wants to die, how it's my fault that the internet doesn't work, and how public school kids are stupid. And, that can happen all within a 10 minute time frame with me standing there like a deer in the headlights just trying to figure out where's he's going next with the conversation. Well, really, it's not a conversation; it's a one person diatribe/vent/rant that I have been subject to, and it has absolutely nothing to do with me.
Whatever he's doing and saying probably has nothing to do with you. He's angry and sad about where he is in life and he's too full of pride to go find help on his own. You're so much further along than I was years ago. At least you recognize that it's NOT normal. It took me 17 years of marriage to come to that realization. For so long, I thought it was me. Sending you tons of support and cyber hugs this week! Keep taking it one day at a time.
I have vivid memories of the various manipulation attempts my exAH tried to use that were similar to your share. Even now on the rare occurence this happens with anyone I visualize a rolodex of manipulation tools that worked in the past being flipped through during the attempts to find the one for that moment. That makes it easier for me to detach and watch the process rather than react. As we know ... It works if you work it.
Thanks for sharing your journey. Your awarenesss, acceptance and action accompanied by your powerful honesty is what recovery is all about. Enjoy your visit with Mom and Let go and let God take care of the rest.
Continue to Take the Actions and Let Go of the Results.
Puska - I can identify with a lot of what you are saying. During my separation texting caused a lot of arguments and madness... out of nowhere I would receive accusatory texts - texts that seemed irrational because they came out of no where with no initiation on my part (that I was aware of). I have since asked my spouse that we not communicate that way and our counselor recommended the same. Texting is too easy and too easy to say hurtful things or not face the other person - that is my personal experience anyway. With kids around sometimes texting seems like it's the only option and it doesn't expose them to what otherwise might be an open argument.
You have to do what works for you. Maybe the two of you can come to some agreement or boundary re: texting that would help both of you.
I am thinking of you. I'm envious of a sponsor. I've yet to find one and I definitely need one.
I'm sticking to email as well as face to face in communicating .. I have not told him this .. I'm just going to do it. When he sends a text I'm going to let him know I will only respond to emails, if it's about kids, money, house or our relationship. At any point the conversation digresses I'm disengaging with it. Sunday it was 8 hours to disengage .. yesterday was 15 min .. lol .. progress not perfection. If he wants to discuss things further he will have to wait until he sees me on pick up or drop off time with the kids. I'm not going to allow this to color my day. I love the fact I have the power to start my day over at any point and time.
Letting go of the outcome .. UGH UGH UGH .. LOL .. it's sooo hard to do .. I've been doing a lot of reading of the book mark Just For Today and I've dug into reading AA material as well as alanon material. I've done pretty good at home with my mom, it's not her it's me .. I really have to own that part. I'm just working my way back to a much more serene place.
There are a lot of dynamics going on and I will really never know what another person is thinking or feeling .. the reality is I don't have to play because I will never win against the addiction of choice. I feel good about me and that's something that I value. Especially while trying to deal with this situation and all of the looney parts of it.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Pushka, it sounds like you are doing a great job getting up and dusting yourself off . Being on the receiving end of rants from an irrational person is very, very hard and not reacting is so even tougher. But you are in the right place, and from everything you say it is clear you have the awareness and understanding to get through this. I do hope you can still enjoy your time with your mom and that it can distract you from the insanity. You only have to be in charge of yourself (and your kids) now. Sending you support,
You're doing great. I still, several years later have the "racing heart, want to panic" when my ex tries to push my buttons or manipulate. But my instinct now is to not react, vs. prior which was react. He's giving you lots of practice Pretty soon, it will be much easier for all the practice you've gotten.
Step 1, Pushka. You are doing wonderful for all you have been through.. we all fall down sometimes.. but it is important to get a good night's rest, eat some ice cream, maybe watch a comedy.. then get back up again.. I took that advice last night HahaHhahaha. Today I plan to have fun and you should too. Just make today about YOU!!!
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
I know you know you aren't texting with a normal healthy person. I do not text or email with my exAH for this reason. We talk on the phone and if he gets screwy I hang up and do not answer any of his calls for the rest of that day. I like face to face like when we are trading kids, we step away and say what we need to communicate and then we know it is short and to get to the point. This is a hard one with all the emotions involved and it has taken me 2 years to get to where I am at with it and I still have rare occassions I jump onto the crazy train. Your awareness is great and so is your recovery! Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Pretty soon, it will be much easier for all the practice you've gotten.