The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi all - i've attended a couple of al-anon meetings and find them incredibly helpful. i would probably go nightly if i could!
currently, my wife is not supporting my intention to begin attending a late-evening meeting (8:15 start). i could leave the house right around when our youngsters are asleep and she arrives home. i've identified two possible babysitters to cover any overlap, which she does not accept.
i should point out she is the sole bread winner and works incredibly long hours in a difficult job. when she arrives home at 7:30, she still has work that she has to do (the current job is not permanent, but to be endured for a season).
at the same time, i seriously need the help of an al-anon / another 12-step group. i prefer men-only, so this limits my options somewhat.
i told my wife that if I don't hear from her by Wednesday evening, i will arrange a babysitter to be at our house by 7:45 (so that she can't just stall). she said if i do that, that will be the end of us.
I am not sure I am able to handle this in a caring, respectful way. i am also scared by the possibility that i may find myself out of a place to stay, without a job, if she holds to what she said.
I find I can lock myself down to what I feel are my only options. It helps to bring things in the open and reason things out with someone else - so it's great you brought this out.
While you prefer men-only meetings, if there are other meetings available that are not men-only at other times that are less conflicting, would you consider going?
It's not necessarily saying you bend to her will, but you're also asking her to bend to yours as well. That she is bull-headed despite your hiring a baby sitter to help is clearly her having control issues, however. Sounds reasonable to me that you're offering to hire a babysitter to make sure she doesn't get loaded down with the kids after long hours of work while you get to your meeting.
For myself, I have to ask myself certain questions in these situations.... am I being willful and trying to force my will on someone else? Will I be okay if the A follows through with their threat? What other less-stressful options are available to me - maybe this is something I can change my mindset on if there are other avenues I can take.
I hope you have a serene day whatever your decision.
I understand your preference to identify with men and you can find a number of posts from men, on this site, which will allow you to do that.
Could you consider making it easier on yourself to go along to any day meetings...in the meantime...to listen, and learn just what the tools of Al-Anon are?
You may challenge your wife for one evening but I can imagine that the struggle will continue every night you wish to go out to a meeting.
If your littlies are preschool you can take them with you in the day, to a meeting with toys and food to keep them somewhat occupied.
As time goes on, you will learn 'courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference'.
I suggest you just take it one day at a time and take small steps.
So she's feeling stressed as it sounds like she should be with the long hours and stuff. She may be dealing with resentments and anger and blame also so do another "If I were in her shoes" inventory and see how it comes out.
Fear is a big part of our emotional make up in the disease...you've expressed it and I'm sure she is also so work on the love angle and see if some of the member's here suggestions will work fairly in your condition.
Welcome for checking in and keep coming back ((((hugs))))
I have always found this situation hard to relate to as my exAH fully supported AlAnon for me as a way to learn to live with active alcoholism. But as I read your post I started thinking about other areas of life I have applied this to. I think I would have to use How important is it? on multiple questions. How important is AlAnon for me? How important is that particular meeting? How important is setting a boundary on control tactics? How important is having that time with the other person? That would give me a start to finding where my best choice is and acceptance of any potential consequences.
