The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have to write here because any attempt to communicate with my ex is wasted energy and time.
He took our kids to counseling appt. Counselor tells him "your kids have an issue with self, they think everything is about them, they don't see the big picture or how they affect others".
Ex relays this to me with his normal "how do we beat this into them" reaction.
I said "maybe the do-it-or-else parenting is part of the problem". Of course he just went into all.these examples of the kids being selfish and I pulled the "the phone is cutting out, gotta hang up".
He parents controlling which is basically "your feelings don't matter, what I want matters". He will never get that. I wasn't raised that way so I've never understood it. But its ironic because he's going to put it on the kids and completely miss his own issue of the same nature.
Too bad, I try to balance it but these are boys and he's a man. Not sure how much leverage I have. I can't change him, only me. I'll do what I can and pray some sinks in through the rest.
SSounds like you understand that you are a role model for them and cant control your ex. Your awareness is great to get that talking to him wont help. It sounds like you are doing great! Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Aloha Stronger...If you're attending face to face meetings check to see if Alateen is available for them where the can get with other teens with the same problems just like we do in Al-Anon. That program works very very well. Also see if there is a self help group in their school. I use to work both and just loved watching the miracles come about. Guys get it different than Girls. Done. ((((hugs))))
That whole "I only think about me and don't see how I affect others" is standard alcoholic/addict behavior. It makes me wonder if they didn't model that directly from your husband. It's also a set up to develop substance problems.
Teaching empathy is harder than it would seem. It starts with just asking more feeling questions of your kids. ie, "How did that make you feel?" And how do you think the other person felt?" It may or may not work, but it's a start. Just trying to offer up some solution oriented suggestions. Take it or leave it :)
Pink those techniques I need to practice more and I just hold hope that it sinks in. Funny ex didn't drink until I left him, but his parents are huge alcoholics so it clearly impacted him also.
