robin91 wrote:

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Has anyone else lived with their alcoholic ex-spouse?  I need to move on already.  I'm also recovering from stage 3 breast cancer (year 4).  I'm sick of all the stress.  Anyone have any pearls of wisdom they can share?  Sometimes I think I'm loosing my mind for allowing him to stay.   Thanks.

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 I'm in a relationship with my ex-AH, but we live seperately, and I think that's the only way the relationship has worked. He had to learn to live clean and sober, and not dependent on me before we even had a chance.

I have had cancer too, and am a survivor (18 years), so I know how important it is to take care of you and have support. When your fighting cancer all your energy needs to go to THAT fight, not distracted with other issues, IMHO.

As far as living with a dysfunctional person, I have had some recent experience with that, in my roommate. She is a non-practicing al-anon, meaning she once attended alanon briefly, but only to "help" a friend of hers in the room? So not really interested in her own recovery.

Here is my present dilema: I have a mother who has Alzhiemer's who I care for and a 14 year old daughter. These two people are my responsiblity, so I have to put their safety first. My roommate recently lost her job, was admitted to a pysch. ward for threating suicide, and is now currently living rent-free in my basement. This is not a good (or healthy) situation for me, so this is my planned course of action:

1.) Discuss my concerns about her staying here.

2.) Express my requirements for her to stay. (get a job, continue taking meds and see doctors, pay rent)

3.) Once these boundaries are set... enforce them without excuse.

4.) Be prepared to follow through with said boundaries no matter what the consequence (she currently says if I kick her out she'll be homeless... this is not my problem).

5.) Do not blame myself, I have done the best I can.

 

So I guess my suggestions would be: set boundaries, and be prepared to enforce them, because any boundary is only as good as what you are prepared to follow through on. You sound like you are in a tough situation, and the judge hasn't made it any easier on you by making you responsible once again.

It sounds like you've gotten some sound advice on this board, just remember to take care of you. A Judge is not God, anymore that the alcoholic is. Ultimately the decision is yours.

 

Overcome

 

-- Edited by Overcome on Tuesday 3rd of April 2012 12:25:16 AM

A few months ago when the judge asked if he could stay here, it was the middle of the winter and he had nowhere to go. He also wasn't drinking at the time so I agreed. He's in a rut and drinking a lot now. I think he's been selling some of his belongings to buy booze. There's no money missing.
I have an email in to my attorney to see how we can enforce the terms of the decree. BTW, I forgot to mention that I was married for 21 years. Divorcing him was the hardest thing I've ever done. Many thanks for your warm welcome.

It sounds as if this judge didn't have much experience with addiction issues.  He (I'm assuming the judge is a he) will probably look back on this years later and kick himself.  But however that may be, presumably you divorced your addict specifically because you didn't want to be enmeshed in his issues any more.  So keeping on living with him defeats the purpose.  And as long as he has a warm and dry place to come home to, he won't start rethinking the decisions that got him to this place.  Not that you can ever force him to rethink -- but a soft landing helps keep him thinking, "Well, it's all working for me now!"

You have no obligation to shelter him.  Addicts also often play the helplessness card to keep things the way they are.  My alcoholic husband was the same.  I was sure that if we separated, before six months were gone he'd seriously be living under a bridge.  Turns out he has more resources than I'd given him credit for.  It's years later and he's not living under that bridge yet.  But if he were, he would still know the way to get a better life -- recovery from his addiction.  If he chooses not to do that, that's his free choice.  We are not obligated to shelter them from the consequences of their decisions.  In fact doing so may slow down their move toward recovery.

I hope you'll think about focusing on taking care of you rather than the addict and his bad decisions.  Often the chaos of addiction is so insane that we're dragged into the insanity too.  If you keep coming back, read all the threads, find a meeting, get the literature, find a sponsor, you will find wonderful tools to move forward.  Hugs.

Robin as you continue to learn the Al Anon truths, you will come to understand more and more.

This disease is so complicated. We need to learn the opposite of what we think is best.

It's hard when you love them so much. I had to let mine go after loving him for over forty years.

It's true when we do anything for them that they can do for themselves we make them sicker.

They need to be homeless, cold, thirsty, hungry. Their disease is so strong, they need to feel all the horrible reasons that they do need to quit, or for them to face they do have a problem.

Being taken care of makes it easy to keep using. The disease uses us, manipulates us.

They are sick so naturally we want to help, but our help is as poisonous as the drug is.

In the end heroin is the same as alcohol in the body.It all breaks down the same.

I hope you find strength in Al Anon! We care! love,debilyn

 

 

There was no plan stated. So, now I've got to talk to my attorney to have the decree enforced since it stipulates that in order to stay he must remain "clean and sober". Not sure if the next step is a restraining order. I'll have to see what the lawyer says.

Thank you all for responding. It's the morning here on the east coast. Hopefully, I'll speak with the attorney this morning. MY AH has no license but has the keys to the house. I'll need to get the locks changed.  My guess is that we'll need a court order or restraining order to get him out now that's it's come to this. I can't physically move him but I do intend to take action. It's time. I'll keep you all posted and let you know what happens (hopefully today). xxoo

-- Edited by robin91 on Tuesday 3rd of April 2012 06:38:49 AM

He needs to hit bottom hard Robin. Sorry you have had to go through this. Yeah, he might become hobo or whatever but him drinking himself death in your house and making you watch while torturning you with verbal abuse is no kind of life for you OR HIM either. Pray hard and know that you are just doing the next right thing for you, for him, and by whatever higher power you believe in.

Give your ex to God (or your understanding of he/she/it) cuz there's not much else you can do at this point.

Mark

I so agree with abbyal : "Until we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves nothing is going to change". I don't know what the laws are in your state but that judge wasn't thinking of you. Here in CA it would take you a minimum of 3 months to evict him even with the agreement.

I hope your lawyer has much better news for you, and once you allow him to take care of himself (whatever that looks like), it will be the chance to focus on yourself. You've gotten such great advice here, I hope the process is not too difficult.

Hi Robin..You don't need the stress or anxiety that living with him is costing you. I had to live with my AH for 3 years before I could get out. It was horrible. What are you going to do when you have to move out? My psyc. said my husband would probably be homeless if I got him to leave our home. I was able to leave...it made it easy to detach...but he is still in the house, refusing to sell it. Can you go to a friend or family until the sale goes through?. Hugs to you, stay strong- trust your HP...it really helps.

robin91 wrote:

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I agreed with the condition that he stay clean and sober. 

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Doesn't sound like the condition is being met so if he doesn't like living in the town shelter, let HIM explain it to the judge.

Hi, all - Sorry my update has taken so long to post. Lots has been going on. My AH asked for my help in getting him into a detox program on Sunday. He went in yesterday. I spoke with a counselor today who told me he's got "Psychological" issues; hears voices, etc. I told her that he told me the same thing a few weeks ago but I just thought it was due to the drinking. The doctor doesn't think so (so far). He feels it's real and that AH has been trying to self-medicate himself all this time to make the voices stop. Anyway, my attorney has engaged a Sheriff to serve him with a Contempt order since he was not able to stay sober (a condition he needs to meet in order to continue to live here). They moved my AH from the Detox program to another place that will help him with this newfound issue and assist him with detoxing. I told them that either way, he'll need to go into an aftercare program since he can't come back and live with me. He'll also need the resources available in a halfway house to get to counseling, AA meetings, etc., since he has no driver's license.