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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Boundaries are working
Post Info TOPIC: Boundaries are working
Sunshine daydream


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Boundaries are working
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Hi All,

I'm a bit new, so Hi everyone.  love the site and find myself coming back every couple of days.

I'm engaged to an alcoholic.  I've been in denial for 2 years, and interestingly enough, once we got engaged and my life got busy with grad school his drinking picked up significantly.  For the past 3 months, without exception, there is at least one night a week where he has to binge.  Stays out until the bars close or later, then tries to quietly come in the house and sleeps on the couch in his clothes.  50% of the time he makes it to work, else he "works" from home.

My initial reaction was straight up anger.  I'd confront him when he got home, yell for a bit, and tell him to grow up!  After a few episodes of that and no change, i basically gave up.  I don't get up, i don't even look at the clock, i just rollover and try to go back to bed.  (unfortunately, this doesn't always work and i'm the one in a hungover state the next day.)

2 weeks ago he did it again.  And without the sleep i was a total zombie the next day.  completely depressed, helpless, and could barely function.  we had tickets to see a play that night.  he came home all jolly and excited to go out. i was in bed confused, tired, angry, emotionally drained.

i cancelled the plans and went to a meeting. told him the "we" in our relationship was me, him and the bottle and I won't put up with it.  the next day i told him the lesson learned, "any time you decide to go out and binge, you can forget any plans we have the next day.  i don't even want to be around you."

then he did it again last friday.  we had a counseling session sat afternoon which we went to together, but after that he got all selfish with the plans, when i already expressed and planned to do something else.  i surrendered and then just got resentful and depressed.  (i should have never changed my mind).  nonetheless, i was back in "i don't want to be around you mode" and told him I wasn't going to go to dinner with his folks that night.  told him it's just like i said, "you binge >> i don't want to be around you."

he's seeing the effects of his choices.  i have to stay firm with this.  he admitted he's an alcoholic to the couselor.  he hates the all or nothing alternative.  who knows what will happen, all I know is that if you disrespect and crap all over me and make the bottle the love of your life, there will be consequences. right now, i'm gone for 1 day.  Maybe some day it'll be longer.

Hugs and Prayers to All!

 

 



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hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome Susshine Daydream Love your sign on name

You are not alone and the situation that you  described and how you reacted is very familar to myself. 

 Alcoholism is a disease over which we have NO control.  I urge you to continue to take care of yourself by seraching out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attending.

You can locate these meetings by going to the following link:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ meetings/meeting.html 

It is so important to break the isolation, find new constructive tools to live by  and to be supported emotionally by those who truly understand

Please keep coming back here as well and sharing the journey



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Breakingfree


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Sending you much love and support. Sounds like good boundaries and I hope you can attend Al-anon face to face meetings as well!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Jerry F


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Welcome to the site...you didn't say what kinda "meeting" you went to and I'm kinda wishing it was one of "ours"...the family group kind.   I  hope the shares from the membership who has run the gauntlet of alcoholic marriage helps you understand "dis-engage-ment" consequences.   I married the woman I was engaged to when I wasn't wanting to or thinking it was a bad bad idea.  Yeppers I did it anyway and the predictable outcome became my reality.  I don't shoulda, woulda, coulda the past because the consequences are really very different and much much better because I found Al-Anon in the process.  Good on your boundaries...hope he participates.   (((hugs))) smile



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Doozy


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Hello Sunshine :) 

Welcome! It is such a hard thing to be in a relationship with an active alcoholic. It's confusing and can be so hurtful. Reaching out here has been very helpful for me and the Alanon face to face meetings were amazing. I've also found some great books that have really helped me get out of a bad relationship and find much more peace of mind, strength and hope while rebuilding my confidence and sense of self. 

I hope you will find wisdom, strength and hope to help you find that serenity you so deserve. And I hope your fiance is able to find health and serenity for himself. 

One of the good sayings I heard here was the 3 c's of alcoholism - you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. I've found that saying brought a lot of freedom to my mind. I hope you will stick around and take your time learning more about this complex difficult problem. You'll find you're not alone and that there's a lot of hope. You're worth it!

Doozy 



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orchidlover


~*Service Worker*~

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I was with an addict/alcoholic for 7 years. He never saw the effects of his choices.  His disease did but he never recovered.

I am glad  you are willing to take care of you. I made certain key decisions that helped me. One was that I would not go out with him if he were drinking.  I could be so easily manipulated he would have me pay the fine if anything happened.

Another was to come here. I lived on this site day and night. I went to the chat room.  I took care of myself.

I started working the suggestions offered by people here.  I worked to learn detachment. I worked to learn to take care of myself (that is ongoing now).  I sought help.

The ex a never admitted anything was wrong with him. No matter what the consequnces he was okay. I was the one who wasn't okay as far as he was concerned.

maresie.  



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orchid lover
Sunshine daydream


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Thank you all for your responses and support.  One day at a Time these days.  I am hopeful, but realistic too (3 C's).

I'm going to my 2nd Alanon meeting tonight and very much looking forward to it.

 



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