The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I let myself be drawn into the extreme chaos of my AH's detox. I stopped focusing on my recovery.
I took back my will and my HP slapped me across the face with it reminding me I need to surrender.
I made things worse by being drawn into the control of things I have no control over. No human power will remove my AH's addiction.
I lost my serenity because I wanted so desperately for this to be a miracle. Instead, I allowed myself to reenter the alcoholic abyss. I became my old self again.
I allowed my fear to become my anger to become my extreme insanity.
I am so grateful for my sponsor who, when I called her to tell her I completely lost my serenity, said "Good for you. What took you so long?" Then, she reminded me I am in an extremely stressful situation. I need to be kind to myself and forgive myself. Progress not perfection.
-- Edited by Very Very Tired on Monday 2nd of April 2012 10:20:13 PM
The Serenity Prayer and 3 Cs are coming to mind. I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. Glad you regained your focus. Time to gently take care of you. Hugs. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
The thing I ended up focusing on was that I recovered faster than ever before. Every day we can start again!
That is exactly it! I messed up. I completely lost it. Given the circumstances, yeah, I was going to lose it. The important part is that I recovered (or working on it today--still a little mind numb). Immediately after the incident, I had my sponsor on the phone getting me back on track.
Thanks for the reminder to focus on the things I did right. I keep repeating to myself the words of one of the aids at the hospital when she sat down to talk to me after one of AH's escape attempts: "You handled that exactly like you should have. You got out of the way."
Today, I am focused on "getting out of the way." Letting go.
-- Edited by Very Very Tired on Tuesday 3rd of April 2012 08:46:33 AM
You are right about progress not perfection, and this kind of fearless inventory is such an amazing way to grow. It's okay to lose that serenity sometimes. I recently lost mine, but for good reason. The thing I ended up focusing on was that I recovered faster than ever before. Every day we can start again!
Sending you love and support and agreed I wouldn't know what to do without my sponsor on some days!!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Well - the escape attempts and the incredibly distrubing behaviors and the awful detox also allow you to see exactly how ugly the disease really is. The progression is slippery and insideous. I bet he never imagined he would be in this position either. It seems that his disease still has a strong vice grip on him.
On the one hand, if he is to recover - Detox and rehab will be part of that. Hence, I don't fault you for having hope that this might be a turning point for him. In actuality recovery, rehab, detox - those things are not human powers. Hence, they could function to be the power that gets the sobriety ball rolling. All those things are not human powers - but importantly - they are not you.
I really feel for you VVT cuz as the disease gets more serious (like for your husband) it no longer becomes "either he will drink or not" - It becomes either he will go back to the mental hospital or not, either he will go back to jail or not, or either he will die or not. Very sad.
I guess I just wanted to say I don't think it's unreasonable of you to have hope, but I know for your serenity you need to keep your expectations in check and know that there's not a lot you can do to make the light of recovery dawn on him. If this doesn't do it for him, it will add to the accumulation of things that will eventually break the camel's back so to say. There's always hope.
I really feel for you VVT cuz as the disease gets more serious (like for your husband) it no longer becomes "either he will drink or not" - It becomes either he will go back to the mental hospital or not, either he will go back to jail or not, or either he will die or not. Very sad.
Exactly! I've told people that "drunk" no longer applies in this circumstance. It truly is not will he drink or not. It is exactly like you said: Will he go back to the mental hospital or not? Will he die or not?
There is hope. There is always hope. My hope is for my recovery: that I will heal and grow from this. My prayers are for my AH that his HP may guide him wherever he needs to go.
Have been reading your posts lately and we are very much in about the same place with all of this. I commented on one but it was pretty far after you had originally posted. The reason for that was I was living your nightmare for the 2nd time. My husband was just released from the hospital on Friday of last week. Stay strong!!!
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
Sometimes it takes more than one round of rehab. In my husband's case, it took 3 attempts within a 3-year period. The first 2 attempts he was back to drinking soon after he was released. The 3rd time seems to possibly be the "ticket." He is 10 months sober and faithfully attending AA meetings and working the program.
He was close to death's door when he entered a rehab for the 3rd time.
Now, he is like the man I met when we first dated. He is still immature in some way; but he is now kind, thoughtful and doesn't easily flair up over little things as when he was drinking. I still have to pinch myself that this is all happening.
Yes, there is always hope as long as the alcoholic is breathing. That is what I say now. Also, I wouldn't bank on his sobriety; I continue to keep to my business.
Remember, there is hope. But it's best to take care of the only person you can: you
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
