The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi all, It's been awhile but I seem to be in need of some emotional support.
The Sunday before Valentines Day my AH went overboard again and took off, this time he came back in the middle of the night in a rage. I was sleeping and was woken by the bedroom light being flicked on and the pillow being yanked from my face, mind you through all of the madness I kept my eyes closed. All I could hear was loud mumbles and crashes, he turned out the light and making his way through the house I'm hearing all kinds of banging then silence. I finally got out of bed to notice a nice big punch hole in my bedroom wall along with all of the pictures and dresser trinkets knocked all over the place, the kitchen was no different. Also the end table lamp was lying in front of the tv on the floor. The next morning I told him I wanted a seperation and 2 days later he was gone.
3 weeks later I got the usual pleading and promising that he will stay clean, so stupid me let him come back home, I was so unhappy and a nervous wreck, well 6 days later after he drove up from working he said he had a few beers and said obviously he was not ready, so I got the house key back and this Wednesday will be another 3 weeks of seperation. His thinking is I should let him come home to get clean but also says he will not work on it his self as long as he is "single"
Let's put it this way less than a week ago there was a horrific accident within walking distance from my home, it was my husband and his cousin, cousin was driving as this is my husbands new thing.....to get or pay someone else to drive. Well my AH said that was his awakening because he thought when the truck finally hit the last tree and he came too his cousin's head was laying in his lap non responsive. Turns out just some bumps and bruises.....truck complelely totalled and guess what.....AH back on a binge 3 days later blamed me for not letting him come home.
Now he is supposed to give me so much $$ every week (I like to call it spousal support) he has been but has been getting more and more funny with me because I won't budge in letting him come back here.
I know he will only do it again and again.......he has been drinking and coking almost non stop for about 2 months now. Refuses to get professional help.
Am I wrong asking him for support since I am out of work (I have a nest egg that he knows nothing about) but still......what I ask for is probably 1/2 of what he spends on himself and his addict friends. It hurts but I know I cannot let him back in thew house or the story will just keep repeating until it eventually kills me from stress.
I love my AH but I hate my AH at the same time!
I have one f2f meeting near me once a week but the area is way too dangerous for me to go at 8pm at night.......can anyone relate?
It sounds as if he's escalating the behavior that's trying to get you to let him come back. He really wants to keep on drinking and getting out of control and yet keep what he has (you and your place). So he wants to get you to let go of your boundary.
I don't know about the rights and wrongs of asking him for support. But it does sound as if, when you ask him for financial support, that gives him a tool that he can use to try to get leverage. He can keep you enmeshed with it. And that's what he's trying straight off. As you know, trying to make an alcoholic do anything he doesn't want to is like trying to nail jello to the wall. And trying to make him want to is also like trying to nail jello to the wall.
I suspect the only way to enforce financial support would be to get a lawyer and get a legal requirement drawn up. Even so you would be faced with trying to enforce it legally.
I think you are wise to know where your boundaries lie. Letting him back in will lead to more of the same. I suspect that expecting him to be responsible and fulfill commitments even when he's not living with you will be equally impossible. It's not so much a matter of what he should do. If he were doing what he should do, he wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.
Of course you know your situation better than anyone. Take what you like and leave the rest. Hugs.
The Serenity Prayer is "Courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know.....
Domestic violence is not a disagreement. It is a whole pattern of behaviours used by one partner to establish and maintain power and control over the other. These behaviours can become more frequent and intense over time and that sounds by your post what is happening.
Have a plan to protect yourself.
Consider changing locks, if your husband has a key.Plus additional safety devices to secure your windows.
Remember, the more precautions you take, the safer you will be.
Decide and plan for where you will go if you have to leave home (even if you don't think you will need to).
Always remember--You don't deserve to be hit or threatened.
Thank you both for the encouragement......The financial support is a mutual agreement only due to the fact that he (needs) certain things from me. The business he runs (when he is sober) is connected to the house and cell phones which are both in my name only. He knows if he does not pay he loses his business. However I have thought about a lawyer but I know my AH well enough that he would rather skip town than be obliged to do anything he does not want to do. He is a very selfish and self centered individual who thinks everyone owes him something in life. I am holding onto my boundaries and really only using the money he has been hesitantly providing to add to my nest egg. The donestic violence is one of the main reasons I am seperated, no he did not hit me that night but I know the next time he went out on a drinking binge and could not find the coke to go along with it, it very well could be me. The house is as secure as I can make it, locks are changed and I have a 380 on my night stand everynight. Sadly it sits on my coffee table during the day (just in case). I have made 2 seperate escape plans if need be, I would hate to use them but am comforted that they are there.
None the less, I am heartbroken and so sad for my AH, I know at the rate he is going he is going to end up in a very morbid place, he is going to end up in prison or he is going to die, and knowing this I feel selfish that I have only been trying to care about myself and what i am going to do.
But I know that my HP has a plan if not for me for him.
For some reason I recall hearing this phrase everytime we hear about the drunk drivers who walk away from horrific accidents.......God seems to protect alcoholics and fools!
Aloha Michelle and the location for the one meeting doesn't sound as treacherou as the area you're in with the alcoholic/addict. Your post frightens me and I hope the want for money isn't a justification for life threatening behaviors. I'm a past Alternatives to Violence Mens' case manager and I'm standing right along side Too Hard's share. (((hugs)))
I will respond with what I know about alcoholism and alcoholics:
Alcoholics who say "I will only get sober if...." are invariably playing a game and they don't want to get sober PLUS they use their disease to manipulate those who care about them.
Whether they do it consciously or not doesn't really matter but they do it and that's a fact.
If he is going to get sober, he will do it "single" and he will do it for himself. Most of the time people do wind up losing everything because sobriety has to be contingent upon NOTHING. Nothing can come before sobriety. If you took him back just so he could get sober....the set up would then be that you are responsible for his sobriety and you are allowing him to make you his higher power rather than God or the AA program or something that actually can function as a higher power. I know in alanon one of the overall tools is to just keep handing him his own disease back. You dont own his disease, don't own the consequences of his disease, and don't let yourself be convinced that there's anything you can do to fix or control it (Kind of like the 3 C's). The blame and the irresponsibility are ways of him trying to push the disease onto you because his ego cannot handle that it totally and fully belongs to him alone AND that he alone needs to do something about it. Once he gets into recovery, then he doesn't have to do it alone any more cuz other alcoholics will help him. The person to help him cannot be you because you are his wife and not his sponsor or his drug and alcohol counselor.
So...You can choose to be with him....but don't believe that it will "help" him get sober. It wont. When I busted down and went to AA FINALLY, it was the first thing I ever did just for myself. I suppose that's why it worked. As far as expecting money and such. Of course you have the right to expect what is reasonable. Like Canadian Guy says often though - It will behoove you to remember you are not dealing with a reasonable person though. Don't expect reasonable behavior from an unreasonable sick person. Hence, any issues you bring up that would be reasonable for a normal adult - they will filter through the mind of a diseased alcoholic/addict. That doesn't make him unlovable - but it does make him very sick.
You have already received such great ESH .. I'm so glad to see you post. I am so sorry for your trials. You need to put your own best interests first because if you don't take of you .. the disease will suck the life out of you and the disease doesn't care. The disease only wants its next fix. That person you see in front of you is not a healthy person .. because healthy people don't react in that way. It's the disease.
You are not dealing with a rational person. I really like the shares you have already received about both those issues. Your safety is first and paramount. Your AH has his own consequences to deal with and he will have to deal with those at some point sometimes sooner sometimes later it does come.
Sending lost of love and support,
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I thought plenty of what I did around the ex A seemed reasonable. I was many a time at a place where I had to ask the now ex A for help. I realized that was playing into his irresponsibility. When I left the ex I had no money, no job, nothing. I barely made it out with a few clothes. I didn't take my dogs at that time. Eventually I had to go get them.
The disease is progressive. Expect nothing. For some it is absolute suicide. Car wrecks and totalling cars is a very bad sign. The ex A totalled 4 cars in all. he always blamed someone else.
I felt soldered to him like metal. I felt like he owned some part of my being. I also felt sorry for him angry at him, raged at him and kept communicating with him for years. When I stopped feeling obliged to pip in there was a change but none of that happened overnight.
Good morning all, 1st Thank you Mark, everything you said is exactly what I have been saying to myself, I will not let him come back home plain and simple, he knows this and he has manipulated me seceral times by going to an AA meeting maybe even a few over the years, just as my spirits were starting to lift, he stopped going and would always say AA isn't for evryone. But I am taking care of me amd keeping myself as far from his world as I posssibly can.
Pushka, thank you too, yes there will be consequences to deal with, I just hope it's sooner tham later, but as long as he has idiots driving him around he will never be in that driver seat to take the charges......but there will be a time where the severness of tradgedy will affect him....(I think)!
Maresie, thank you for your esh........you sound like exactly would be my situation, if I were to leave this house to get away from him altogether (he lives within 5 minutes of me) I would need to do the same, leave my dogs behind and try to make a life with no job or family. How did you do it? That is what I cannot figure out, how to do it, where to go? My credit has been shattered for years and although I do have some money set aside I'm afraid I won't be able to find a place to live. I just don't know what to do but I do know what I am not going to do and that is let him come back to take me down with him.
Something I've been learning in my own journey is I don't have to have all the answers today. I do have my HP to rely on and I will make a decision, I'm doing a lot of Easy Does It. That means sometimes right in the moment the best course of action as far as big decisions as moving .. that's something I don't have to do today. Just for today I can deal with one thing.
You have already verbalized what you do and don't want so just for today let that be enough.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
