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I am dealing with a codependent/helplessly addicted wife of 14 years. I have 3 children and I am self employed and feel that I have no life of my own anymore.
There is so much to write and so many incidents, but I will try to be concise and simple.
My wife's health has diminished to the point where she is completely incapable of doing anything outside of getting to the bathroom and occasionally bringing the boys to school. (which I protest of vehemently)
I have found that I am unable to connect with her on the issues of her prescription drug use at all, much less the myriad of other issues we have as well as the generally bad condition of her health.
What I find particularly difficult is that I can not trust the words that come out of her mouth as authentic. I have found that her reality is malleable and generally changes for her depending on her goals at any particular moment. Her short term memory is compromised and she is belligerent and difficult with me on almost any issue almost everyday.
My wife uses her poor health to club me into submission on any issue she disagrees with with me.
I believe she considers me a rock solid reliable force in her life and as a result she is often times cruel and/or indifferent to my avocation on her behalf on her health issues. Likewise I believe she is incapable of seeing how much anguish and pain she causes me.
I believe she is dying and I feel trapped in a broken marriage where I have become a single parent where her ghost is occupying our bedroom. I do everything and she does nothing. I do all chores, all laundry, all maintenance of our home, all shopping, all cleaning, all shuttling of the children (for the most part) to activities they need to attend, all while maintaining my small business.
I feel very lonely. I feel very abused. I am 42 and I need to be loved. I feel that I can't leave under the circumstances.
I could have written your post a few years ago, you are not alone. You describe exactly how I lost myself in the caretaking of an alcoholic... I did it all too, and got no validation for it either, which made me spin my wheels, trying harder and harder to fix things. Soon, I was sooo low, I was just a shell of a human being. I left myself. I wasn't taking care of me, I was taking care of him, and everyone else. I thought that was what made a "good" person. I thought I needed others to approve of me. I didn't know.
Al-anon taught me... one day at a time.... that I have within me, everything I need at any given time. But I needed al-anon to show me HOW that is done. I also needed their validation that I was not crazy because being married to an alcoholic - you begin to question that. I needed their acceptance of me so that I could begin to accept me, and begin to do something different for myself.
You didn't cause her alcoholism. You can't cure it. You can't control it. What you CAN do, is find contentment, and even happiness for YOURSELF by caring for yourself. Al-anon will show you how, you can find your local meeting in the yellow pages.
I have never felt lonely in the fellowship, suddenly I had instant friends. I hope you try it. There is no need to even consider thinking about "leaving" at this point. First things first, we have to get YOU back on higher ground. I look forward to hearing about your first meeting. It's going to be okay, my friend. It is going to be okay.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I have found a meeting I may try to attend tonight. I am not ready to confront my wife yet of how miserable I am and do not want to add to her burdens so I need to be discreet as to not have her become not only mean spirited, but paranoid of what I am doing.
There is no need to "confront" her whatsoever. There is only the need to care for YOU right now. I am sooo happy to hear you are going!!
I did the same as you, I kept it private. For awhile. Then I was just so enthusiastic, I couldn't hold it in. And he began to ask, "You going to a meeting tonight?" because he knew how happy they made me, lol
Yes, he was a little paranoid. Until he began to FEEL the change in me, suddenly I let go of my fears of what he should be doing. And he liked that very much. It was good for BOTH of us.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I lived with an addict/alcoholic for years and it came down to my taking care of him totally. After I left him his health collapsed and so did his mental health. I paid for housing, food, everything for months.
I can very much relate to where you are coming from. The now ex A's sense of entitlement was really grandiose. I felt absolutely totally the only resource for him. He had other resources of course but he kept them mum.
What I can tell you is that through coming to al anon I learned that I didn't have to take 100% responsibility for his life. I also learned that I had to take responsibility for myself. What seemed an absolutely totally unbearable situation changed. I morphed into a person who set limits, who saw some light.
None of this was easy of course. I'm 5 years (this month) out from that relationship. I moved out but then of course I took care of him for quite a while after moved...but I did move out....
I had a whole long learning curve of al anon tools to get through and still do. But al anon did help me tremendously and I no longer feel as trapped. Reach out given al anon a shot. You can use this board as a resource and work from there. There are no mandates here.
Welcome Augustus please stick around and read and learn from the wealth of Experience, Strength and Hope that is available to us.
The most mutually loving confrontation comes when you stop doing what you are doing that is causing you trouble and the problem to continue. That is almost a repeat of Glad's second post and my own experience. I also kept it to myself. It was what a needed to do for myself just as my alcoholic/addict wife had to seek her own recovery on her own terms.
This is an anonymous recovery program we don't talk about each other to others; we don't tell "stories" and neither will the face to face groups in your area. It isn't about your wife...its about Augustus for Augustus. So keep coming back...find the suggestions that work for you after you follow thru on them and then bring back the successes so they can help some one else.
Glad to hear you're going to a meeting. Take the advice of at least 6 meetings seriously and if you don't feel comfortable at one try a different one. I found a men's group that I could really relate too. After I started feeling comfortable with al-anon I went to some different meetings to force myself out of my comfort zone.
You and your wife are unique people, but the symptoms you describe are very common in addiction. It was really a comfort to me to find men that understood what I was going through, many of which had years of experience recovering. I'm still early in, but I feel as if I've grown and learned as much in the last year as any other time in my life.
You have gotten great Experience, strength, and hope from others already Augustus. Sorry you are going through this. Hope to hear more about your recovery and how Alanon helps you because I am sure it will help.
I didn't make it to my meeting yet ( kids, work, broken dishwasher ect...)....hopefully tonight at 6 after getting the boys square with homework and dinner.
I am feeling particularly depressed atm.....I feel my only answer to my issues is to get away from my wife...divorce to be more exact. The problem I have is that she can bring the guilt like no other and I am vulnerable to it. She brings up my faith in God and my potential failure in our marriage as disparate and contrary impossible positions to hold. She has in the past raked me over the coals when I have been resolved in my contention that out marriage is broken that I would be throwing my church fellowship away in shame and scandal. There is a component of the situation where I feel that my departure with the children would destroy her. (as no court could possibly give her custody).
...and of course as stupid as it sounds I feel that when she passes it would be my fault.
Going to alanon is and should (I know I shouldn't be shoulding however .. I'm shoulding .. lol) be a priority, especially in your current situation. I understand the pain that you are in at the same time I'm hearing a lot wanting to look for a rationalization of why it is you should leave. Very honestly no one is going to tell you that you should or shouldn't leave that's an individual decision. People will say .. maybe it's time to unhook from the pity pot. I don't mean to be brutal however we have all created our own situations and we are also not without our own part in our particular situations.
It's also said that no major decisions should be made for the first 6 months of alanon. As you change things in your home will change. This was extremely true in my case. The changes that have come are not necessarily the ones I want or have wanted, .. the long term gain as I heal and get better are truly a miracle of God (hp). I can see these painful events as catalysts for my own growth. I'm grateful for each part of this painful process because I know I will be better off in the long run, so will my kids. I do not want to perpetuate any kind of issues as they will have enough on their own without me adding to their baggage.
That being said if I don't do the work and nothing changes .. well .. nothing changes and I will continue to get what I have gotten, ehe .. so not what I want for myself (or my kids we all deserve soooo much better, it doesn't make it less scary for the good old unknown, I get to take that as it comes). I want the changes that alanon offers. I want the hope for difference in my own life that alanon brings. So I truly encourage you to get to meetings, do the work and stop doing the things that cause you pain. For me what causes me pain is putting the focus on my AH, feeling sorry for myself, asking all of the why is my life this way kind of questions, it's also a tad painful to learn how to go and live my own life and be ok with it.
Take what you like as this is what is so wonderful about the Alanon program, and I truly hope you choose to do what is right for you, go to a meeting and get healthy in thought, spirituality, mentally and so on.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
There's plenty of time to end the marriage if that is what you ultimately need to do. Right now you need to reason things out with people that understand what you are going through. Like Pushka said, no one is going to tell you what to do one way or the other. Al-anon is meant to be a non-judgmental place and the meetings I've gone to have been consistent with that. For me, I have learned that the only time I feel judged is when I am judging myself. Try and find a meeting you're comfortable with, take the focus off your wife and put it on yourself, it's what's best for you, your kids and even your wife. You aren't alone. You may even come to find out that your spirituality is a path out of the pain you are in and not something keeping you there.
I am living with my wife, I love her very much, but at any time she could relapse and go on a bender, I have to accept that if I want to stay happy in the marriage. I can't control my wife's disease, but I can hope for her recovery, which is a continuing thing. If the insanity becomes too much, I may ultimately have to end it, but right now I have made a decision and no one is judging me one way or the other. A lot of what you have articulated in your posts resonates with my story. What you should do now is find a meeting, don't plan out the next 6 months just yet.
I do understand (and appreciate) each and every point made. I also am very aware after my 14 years with my wife and in particular the last 2 years that she makes me crazy and profoundly depressed.
When she is away my children and I run a pretty sound home. When she comes back the children become lazy and appeal to their mothers inebriated logic and disorder rules.
What I dislike the most is that the boys seem to unconsciously understand they can get away with just about anything when their mother is tending to them. She mainly stays in our bedroom and seldomly comes to the kitchen for food or drink. I wanted to bring my 13 year old to my shop today to do some real work today. I feel that at his age he needs to learn how to stay on task and follow through on his responsibilities.
My wife argued that she needed him home to attend to her! I say BS to that. The sun is shining and she requires my children to stay home for fear of supervision or some such thing. She does not allow them take the bus to Boy Scouts or to the YMCA because of her manic fears.
I work alone in my workshop 8-10 hours a day and have a 1 hour drive each way to my business. So, I do have a lot of time to ruminate on the situation.
I fully understand that it takes two to participate in a bad relationship. I stopped all contact with my drug abusing, alcoholic and controlling family after many years of trying to ingratiate myself to them. I found that I don't want to fight and don't need to fight. Their empty headed unfounded criticisms and interference in my life was allowed by me.
When I disolved our relationship I became a better man, a better husband and a better father. I did not have the nagging self doubt of them in my ear any longer and I found some peace.
When I say I find divorce inevitable I say it due to the fact the same dynamic exists in my marriage. I find her punching holes in even the most mundane things I do. I have also found that she has her own language which needs to be deciphered and responded to every time vigorously.
My wife uses a strategy of slight deviations in articulating my statements until black is white and night is day, then says the reason she overdrew her checking account (for example) is my fault or after telling her she can not use my bank account except with explicit permission she finds some rationalization for the lapse.
I find the only ingredient in the situation is me. She wouldn't be able to do many of her actions if I stood firm and took actions to stop her.
Perhaps many of you understand what I have been experiencing. I need to fight from the morning when she rudely demands for her breakfast throughout the day when she requests things patently can not do because I work, till bed time when she rationalizes why why the children didn't floss their teeth.
She is the other side of the coin on almost everything I do! I am tired and angry.
Why do I have to be the whipped donkey who puts up with this ridiculous and destructive behavior?
Because I let her! out of some outdated sense of moral responsibility to her or mabey my belief that the oath of marriage should include "in sickness or health" is a real thing? Why is it I am the only one in my relationship with this ideal?
I know, I know, I know!
I am sorry I am rambling.............
-- Edited by Augustus on Friday 6th of April 2012 12:55:06 PM
-- Edited by Augustus on Friday 6th of April 2012 01:01:00 PM
I have a 14 year old daughter and I have her reading Al-ateen books and since I divorced her A dad, she is doing great in school and sports and all is peaceful. My 3 year old has a hard time going back and forth, but I think in the long run she will be just fine. I have attended Al-anon myself for over a year and have been divorced from my exAH since last Summer. I used to feel whatever happened to him after I left would be my fault, but the longer I worked my program and became my own person from the enabling, people pleasing codependent I used to be, I now see I own my actions and he has his own choices to make. He hasn't found recovery, but that doesn't stop me from keeping the focus on me and my kids. I figured rather than keep watching us all go down with the sinking ship, I saved what I could and am better for it. I am sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
As so many others have said - so many of the things you describe are familar to me - it is classic addict behavior. In particular, your following statement struck me:
"When I say I find divorce inevitable I say it due to the fact the same dynamic exists in my marriage. I find her punching holes in even the most mundane things I do. I have also found that she has her own language which needs to be deciphered and responded to every time vigorously.
My wife uses a strategy of slight deviations in articulating my statements until black is white and night is day, then says the reason she overdrew her checking account (for example) is my fault or after telling her she can not use my bank account except with explicit permission she finds some rationalization for the lapse".
My AH husband is exactly the same. If I brought up my need for him to be actively seeking work, he would bring up the fact that I left me tea cup on the table again that morning, and he would argue there was equivalency there (an example). I started thinking of this as "crazy lawyer syndrome" after a conversation with somebody else on this site about how her husband does the same thing! I felt invisible to him (and I think we really are invisible to them - the only genuine relationship the addict has is with their alcohol or drugs); addiction is a fundamentally selfish disease. After years of trying to communicate, feeling as though I was a failure somehow, I stopped trying to communicate. I was miserable. And then one day I had an epiphany, and it was "I don't have to do this anymore". It is my choice. It is in my power to change this. Because I can change myself. This came only after I accepted - and it was VERY HARD - that I had no control over him, and I stopped putting energy there. I recognized my sphere of influence was ME. And I also realized at some deep level that I had a right to let go of all that responsibilty, in fact, that it had been wrong for me to take it on in the first place - that was 'god's' work. I was a classic codependent, and I finally saw the light, and a huge burden lifted off my shoulders. So, like everyone else has been saying, I think you should turn your caretaking onto YOU. How to do this? Look inside yourself to what you need . . . you need fellowship, you need to sort things out, go to meetings, keep coming to this site. You need time away from her, take it.
You are not alone in this. Most of us have broken hearts. You keep coming here and/or go to meetings, and things will come clearer, and things will get better.
I have read and read this thread and other threads and I still haven't made it to a meeting.
I have been noticeably more matter of fact with her of late and instead of her directing her discomfort with my inquiries on her health and disposition she is attacking me. I suppose she is justifyingly suspicious of my independent thought.
I had an interchange where I simply and concisely stated my strategy to address an issue my 9 year old had. It was not an earthshaking issue, but I needed to substitute his desired solution for a close but not quite same fix. My wife immediately went into her additions and/or subtractions of items that I explicitly did not say. Each and every time I stopped the conversation and started over saying I did not say this or that or the other thing. I finally asked if my original statement was ambiguous or nebulous.
Well she, of course said "no" so I added "then please stop modifying my intentions and statements. I said exactly what I meant on the issue not more not less. Exactly what I said."
She responded "what's wrong with you?" I said that I would not allow her to modify my intentions. She didn't like that much. I speculate that she is conscious of her manipulations of me, I am not sure whether it is intentional or unconsciously done, but either way the results are the same.
Understand that I have found that I have created a "wife speak" that I use to keep her from roping me into all sorts of things I couldn't or wouldn't say or do. This "sick dance" makes me depressed and is a huge waste of energy and time.
I have endless arguments with her about finances where she spends money I do not have saying that I said it was ok. My only answer is that I couldn't have said it because it is not true. I then go on to prove it by showing her the bank statement and reiterating that I couldn't have said the opposite of reality.
What I oftentimes find difficult is her ever changing standards and logic on just about anything. One day I don't compliment enough....if I make a point of complimenting her she is suspicious I am up to something or want something from her. I do not know what she could possibly mean as our sex life is is non existent due to her health issues.
My wife's(which endup being my) issues are her use of morphine, tramadol, oxycotin and oxycodone. (I believe oxys are two types: one time release and one immediate release)
The Mayo Clinic is suspicious that her morphine use is allowing her stomachs contents to be aspirated into her lungs when she is laying down. (which is 95% of the time) Therefore she has had 7 documented cases of pneumonia in the last year as well as testing positive for aspergillus terreus, aspigillus fumagatis, and aspergillus niger infections in her lungs. She has been hopitalized 4 times in the last year.
She has pretty much stopped updating me of the information coming in essentially killing my advocating on behalf of her health.
My wife does 6-8 nebulized (full on hospital mask) inhalations a day to keep her lungs functional. Also she is at risk of needing a feeding tube due to an ongoing nausea issue that is damaging her upper GI and causing a malnourished state.
I am overwhelmed.....I work diligently to be upbeat for my children, go to church and I try very hard not to make her the only topic of conversation when I speak to people. I can not do anything without her interference. I know it is hard to believe that someone so ill has the energy to try and control the world, but she does. She is angry when I bring the children out, whether to church or other activities and tries to keep us at home almost continually. I speculate that she knows she is dying and wants us home, but when we are home she slumbers or watches television constantly.
I am at desperate odds with my obligation to stand by her and my feeling that I need to take the children and leave her.
Could there be a worse time to leave someone? difficult or not?..drug addled or not?
I would not abandon any of my children, but my wife is as helpless as a child. My life changed by having children as it should have but this is like drowning. I feel my existence has become a life support system for her at the expense of actually living a life and raising my children.
I do need to go to a meeting, but as I posted earlier the spectre of divorce will inevitably need to be looked in the eyes.
I read in another post that a woman revealed her "not loving" her husband when she progressed in treatment and therapy. I am so sorry for him. Could I not love my wife enough to see her through this? I don't know. She could go on for years like this. I already have prevailed as though I am a single father to my boys for a long time now, yet I have a wife who contributes nothing.
I am pained greatly by this whole mess my life has become.
-- Edited by Augustus on Wednesday 11th of April 2012 11:59:06 AM
-- Edited by Augustus on Wednesday 11th of April 2012 12:01:34 PM
-- Edited by Augustus on Wednesday 11th of April 2012 12:14:50 PM
-- Edited by Augustus on Wednesday 11th of April 2012 01:02:19 PM
