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I'm really struggling with this. My husband is the alcoholic in my life. He is currently detoxing by himself refusing any help saying the only person he can trust in the world is himself. He is being so nasty towards me, being hyper critical of everything I do or say. I know this is his illness speaking and not the man I married, but it's so so hard not to respond with my own anger. It is easier at the moment because we are not in the same place physically though I am due to go and be with him tomorrow. I'm thinking about putting this off. I'm not sure how much good it will do for us to be under the same roof. It's like he is angry and resentful of me because I am making him face up,to his alcoholism and deal with it. I have put up with so much bad behaviour from him, been let down so many times, lied to and had to wall, on eggshells around him for what feels like forever. I literally cannot remember the last time he was kind to me or showed any genuine interest in anything I am doing or have to say. He is really not a nice person to know at the moment. I do want to stick it out but not sure how much more I can take.
I think it's normal. Detox is hard on the body, the brain. Withdrawal has nasty side effects...irritability (to the extreme), depression, nausea, vomiting, night sweats, tremors, so many more. It seems what you're getting the tail end of is the irritability. I think once he gets past it, he'll start to feel more like his normal self. I can't say how long it will take. But give it time, give him time, and I think he'll come around, and be the man you knew him to be. It takes a toll on the body; it becomes dependent on the alcohol, and the mind does too. Take it away, and the body panics. It forgets how to function without it. Remember, empathy, not sympathy, is key. Try to always remember what he's going through; I'm not saying you don't already. But remind yourself when you feel down, when you feel distant or hurt, remind yourself that he's having a hard time. He's going through a lot, and so are you. Perhaps a good thing for you is to set up a small emotional wall for the time being. When he says something mean, let it bounce off the wall, and remember it's not him talking but the withdrawal. Just remember that when he's better (and I really think he'll get better and go back to normal) to let the wall back down. It doesn't need to stay forever, but a temporary one might be good. He is not himself, but he will be eventually, soon I hope. I wish you all the best, and please keep us updated when possible. (((hugs)))
There is a flip side to that too... You can just walk away whenever he is verbally abusive. You don't have to tolerate it. If you do, you run the risk of him thinking it's acceptable to treat you like that. The boundaries you set are yours. Of course I want to give you hope and support, but the fact is, most alcoholics don't achieve long term sobriety and expecially when they are not getting help of any kind. I read your other post and had a couple thoughts though. I know you want him to go to rehab - BUT...You never mentioned AA. Before there were rehabs people just sweated out detox in AA meetings. Yeah, there are a couple strange folks here and there at AA meetings, but mostly the average AA member will be "a normal, average looking" person. Furthermore, AA is free. You can't put yourself in the role to be his alcohol counselor or his sponsor. It will be a no-win situation. That's why AA exists (partially).
This is such unfortunate yet typical behavior. Some wise words I've read on these boards are "don't react." Hard as it is, remember he isn't a rational person right now and part and parcel of the disease is the bad attitude. Adding to that physical withdrawal and no wonder he is insufferable to be around now. Boundaries are important here - you don't need to listen to it. He may be trying to goad you into arguments now. But it's his problem and his struggle and you need to look out for yourself and your own peace of mind. I know how hard it is. Sending you support.
I would echo pinkchip - walk away; you don't have to eat a mudpie just because he's serving it up. I have had to have almost no contact at all with my now ex-A because any contact at all brings on the flood of how horrid I am, how I'm to blame for every wrong in his life, I'm psycho/bi-polar/pathetic/selfish/abusive etc. (all these even after being divorce over 6 months, apart over 18 months). You don't have to tolerate unacceptable behavior.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Quite a lot has changed since I last posted. My husband chose to detox on his own, he was advised that this would not work and could be dangerous but stubbornly went ahead anyway. As predicted, it didn't work and I found a bottle of vodka in is bag 6 days in. I did confront him with this, he broke down and went to an aa meeting that night. I had been attending al anon which I am finding very helpful. He hated this and threatened to end our marriage if I continued to go. I stuck to my guns and went anyway telling him I needed to go whether we were together or not. Turns out it was the best thing I did as it helped him to realise that asking for help is okay.he seemed to get a lot from the meeting and also went to see a counsellor I had seen already and recommended and clicked with her too. His moods continue to be over the place though. I think he is angry with himself for messing up and wasting his time off work fighting against getting help. I feel very hurt by a lot of the things he has said and done. He is angry now because I won't sleep with him.this man who I love dearly has put me to hell and back for weeks now, not to mention all the hurt from when he was actively drinking without things all ring in the open. he has said some truly unforgivable things and called me all the names under the sun. How on earth he expects that I would be wanting any kind of close physical contact right now is totally beyond me. I think he thinks now he has been to a couple of meetings ( he is still drinking but reducing each day as refuses to to a medical detox) I should forget all the hurt and happily jump into bed with him. Now once again he is portraying me as an unsupportive horrible wife. I really am trying my hardest in the most difficult of circumstances. I'm not sure how much more crap I can take from him. He has moved forward, but every time I think he's turning a corner he turns into a sulking child literally lying face down on the bed refusing to speak to me because he is not getting what he wants.
