The material presented
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Following the DUI, its probably a scary day when they get their license back. I am just waiting on her to go buy some rum.
See, her poison is Mount Gay Rum. History: post-DUI, she asked if she could start drinking again. I said it was up to her. She tried, it was a vomiting disaster.
Then, again, she asked if she could have something to drink. My conditions were that if she did, I got to pick when it was a problem, not her.
Yea, stupid, i know. Look at me controling her recovery. Yea.... I should have just let her make the call.
So she got booze again, with my knowledge. Then, after a few nights on the couch from fights, her urinating on the night stand at 2 am, passing out on the floor downstairs, and just way too many arguments, I told her when she asked if I could go get her some rum that I am using my, "You said I could tell you to stop" card.
So, that was on the 29th. She then drank 4 of 8 of the beers that were EXPIRED and SKUNKY out of the pantry. The beers are from when I had decided to just quit drinking out of disgust with alcohol. What is disturbing is that she /hates/ Sam Adams. And this is skunky Sam Adams... Sort of like when they drink the shampoo because it has somethingorotherOL in it and they think its close enough to alcohOL.
Anyway, she got her license back yesterday. I am just waiting... and watching.... and trying to detach. She still doesn't know I went to alanon. I will have to admit I have gone if she starts drinking again. Even a little.
How do you cope with the anger and fight that comes from telling teh active alcoholic you are going to alanon??
This is so scary. I will pray for your family. It's a terrible disease. My grandmother was that kind of drunk for lack of better word, peeing on the floor and stuff, not taking care of my father, and that's only the stuff I do know about her, he never told me a lot about her. Anyway, what did my father grow up to be? A complete disaster chronic alcoholic. It's really so sad. To answer your question, my husband didn't care one bit when I told him, just said oh. So I guess I got lucky there.
I think you cope with the anger and fight by not fighting and not reacting to the anger. You take care of yourself. I refused to talk about it... but my hubby was already in AA by the time I found out about Al-Anon.
You don't have to tell her. It's up to you in that regard. I know people who have been in the program for years who choose not to disclose that kind of information.
Looking back I kind of wish I had waited to tell my AH, .. it's been used in arguments as far as Alanon of course is about HIM not me. It's truly not about him, I needed alanon far before I even met him.
I would also check my motive before sharing that information as well. What do I think I will gain from telling my A that I'm going to alanon? I think there was a small part in me that thought if I told him, .. he was going to see HE had a problem and deal with it. That obviously was not my reality, .. I'm sooo glad I went and the more I went the more I saw how badly I needed to be in Alanon.
Again .. you need to do what is best for you .. however you have a choice in telling or not telling.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
My AH was an a-hole about it at first, saying I was making a mountain out of a mole hill.
Later, during one of his 2-month dry drunk periods, he admitted that when he saw I was going to Al-Anon (I didn't hide my literature, but I didn't make some big announcement either), it make him realize how serious his drinking problem was.
Well, that's just something he said. But maybe it was true deep down.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
"She asked if she could start drinking again. I said it was up to her. She tried, it was a vomiting disaster.
Then, again, she asked if she could have something to drink. My conditions were that if she did, I got to pick when it was a problem, not her."
The above behaviour I recognise immediately.
This is a technique used by the drinker to give us the responsibility when clearly it is not our responsibility.
Often it happens in other areas of daily living too that we make decisions thinking we are helping and so the partner rarely has the opportunity to grow by their mistakes into maturity.
Regarding if to tell.....I suggest you consider going to quite a few more meetings to learn more about yourself and the tools of Al-Anon and changing your behaviour.
