The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I didn't see him drink at all so he was obviously trying to hide it from me, but we had guests over for my birthday and my friends all noticed how drunk he was. Just so disheartened.
I knew that he would probably slip since he hasn't chosen to head into a treatment plan at all, but I guess the reality was harder to face. He hasn't had a drink that I could tell in two weeks...last night he was even more obnoxious than I remember.
Then, this morning he's storming around the house looking for his pants from last night that he swore he put on the dresser. I hadn't touched them...wanted to tell him if he had been sober when he took them off, maybe he'd know where they were...but I didn't.
Externally, I am detached...this is his problem. Internally, I'm a mess.
I am so sorry this happened. I went through many a slip up with the ex A. I had to realign my expectations with my attitude a lot.
I can imagine you are very very frustrated. Do you have the book getting them sober.
i don't know that it is false sobriety since a lot of people slip and slide a great deal. I had a very idealized view of sobriety for a long time. Practically I could not get there. I also had a pretty grandiose view of my own recovery too!
I used to have a friend who had been a stalwart member of AA for many years. I asked him if an alcoholic could stay sober without a program (AA or some other formal program). "I'm sure it's possible," he said, "They say people spontaneously combust, too. That's also possible."
I got the picture. And my AH, who wasn't attending his program, did not stay sober. Eventually I learned that "quitting on his own" was just delayed drinking, not sobriety.
Not saying this to be discouraging, but because when I started to have realistic expectations, I got a lot calmer. Not that the drinking is easy to be around. That, of course, requires hard thought about boundaries and how you want to live your life. But realistic expectations are the first step towards serenity, as I see it.
Gotta find a time later to thank him for the opportunity to get to work on your insides. It is so great when the inside and the outside are congruent...(in the same place, direction and rythum). For me when my gut wasn't in sync with my spirit and head it usually mean't I had lessons in fear to review. "Love cannot exist without some dimension of justice" is one Al-Anon lesson that helped me when I was where you are at now. The latest one has been "Love cannot exist where fear is and Fear cannot exist where Love is."
Give him some compassion...this is a fatal disease if not completely arrested by total abstinence. ((((hugs))))
I understand how you're feeling. Through my 36-year marriage that ended in divorce, I experienced many "dry" spells.
If I knew back then (oh, 15 years or so ago) I'd seek Al-Anon meetings. I had private counseling, which helped to a degree on many of my own challenges. But it didn't do much for dealing with him drunk all the time.
I didn't seek meetings until after we divorced. They were a wonderful wake-up call. Meetings helped me jump start my recovery much more than private session with a guy with the letters PhD. behind his name. (not to knock pyschologist, truly)
I hope you don't wait to get your life together (fix those crappy inside feelings) until he decides recovery. It could be quite a while before he makes that decision. Mine took about 30 of our married years before he hit his bottom and sought treatment (for the 3rd time).
* sidenote:
we are back together again. Something I truly believed was impossible. It has been 10 months today since he last drank. We've been together for about 9 months. He goes to AA meetings at least 5 times a week and is quite involved with the program. In the past, he tried two other treatment centers and AA; but he went back out soon after. This last time, he could have died during his detoxing (at his home) with no help from others. Fortunately, others took notice and got him into a treatment center.
There is hope as long as the person (alcoholic is breathing). However, I wouldn't wait around like I did in the past. Hindsight talking
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I am an enthusiastic AA member as most folks on here know (I'm not the only double winner either on this site). I will say that I have seen people quit drinking with no program. I had 2 uncles and 1 went through AA and the other did not. The other one became devout methodist and a full on exercise addict. Both remained sober. I personally think that the one who did not do AA had the same kind of radical psychic shift and lifestyle change that AA calls for but he did it through religion and exercise. He also remains more opinionated and difficult to be around where as the uncle who went to AA showed general improvement in his humility and temperament.
I do agree that watching someone's actions is the better predictor of their recovery. I understand the desire to have hope for the future as you have soooooo much wrapped up in a marriage. In most cases, I would not take an alcoholic seriously about "quitting" when they are not actively seeking out recovery.
