The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
(((NYC)))...hugs are good!! What's your sponsor say about this deal? Have you brought it there? I'm reminded of some of my old stuff ont his subject and remember learning "things of the heart" as was mentioned. I wanted to say "I love you" and what I really needed to say first was "I'm soooo afraid" and then deal with that. I was afraid for many reasons; didn't want a repeat of what was going on and only could see repetitiions of it for the future because of the fear. I was afraid because I wasn't aware of lots of stuff one being I hadn't accepted yet that we were dealing in a disease and not with a bad person. There was a difference between "my alcoholic/addict" and "my wife". I had to learn how to detatch my self from one and live with the other without loosing myself. Today I can pull that off with the help of the Al-Anon program and it took/takes duplicating what I originally was taught and I first found the doors to Al-Anon; "Sit, Listen (with an open mind) learn and practice, practice, practice. I myself could have never dream't up the solutions I learned in the room and then decided to put them to behavior...not with the same mind I came into recovery with.
I believe that part of the answer is from the gut without being impulsive. Thinking is a valuable pastime so think and then do. It's okay to say I love you. It's okay to say I'm afraid of saying I love you. It's okay to say I love you and I am afraid...say the most honest thing you feel, think, and do. Of course the cooperation of HP (God as you understand God) and a good sponsor and home group is a gold mine.
Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 30th of March 2012 11:20:44 PM
Ive been having a tough time this week. My AH, from whom Im separated, drank himself insane last summer, went to rehab for 3 weeks, then lost his job. Hes been sober since, for 7 months. Since then, he has been going to AA regularly, has a good sponsor, and appears to be working the program to some extent. However, he is still quite an emotional mess, not to say unemployed.
Weve been separated since the summer. He lives with his mom across town, but he sees me and our son on weekends (a condition of seeing us is sobriety).
We do talk about his recovery at times, but sometimes its too difficult as it brings up so many painful memories, and the topic is changed . Hes here mostly to spend quality time with our son. There is really no discussion on our future and whether we will reconcile. I try to keep it simple and stay away from topics that are too overwhelming.
Lately for some reason Ive found myself really, really missing him during the week. I was nearly crying at my desk a few times today. I dont know how to deal with the fact that I still love him as much as I do; someone who is so damaged and hurt me so badly. I feel an alienation from him.
Theres something really simple I want to tell him, which I havent said in a long time. I just want to say I miss you and I love you. Thats it. I just dont know if that makes any sense or if he deserves to hear this after everything. It seems alcohol has just taken over, even though he is not actively drinking now.
All I know if I feel I am bursting at the seams. I dont know how to be around him. I used to be incredibly close to him but I feel like just going through the motions without having anything deeper expressed is leaving me depleted. I don't know that there is any motive behind it other than telling my husband, damaged as he is, that I love him and miss him.
He is in recovery and he is growing and changing as are you. There is hope for a good future. Often you can't go wrong when you speak from your heart to persons you care about.
That is a hard one, nyc. I often wanted to say similar words. I did at various times but it seemed to be interpretted as an OK to cross my boundaries and eventually the words were not true anymore.
I agree with Mark, with no motives or expectations behind the thoughts or words, expressing those emotions can be a good thing. Perhaps meditation or asking your HP for a sense of what to do would provide the serenity to know for sure the if, what and whens.
Ah, there is no really easy answer here. With affairs of the heart there are NEVER any clear cut correct decisions. Even the simple act of allowing oneself to fall in love can be considered stupid under the right conditions.
I felt just like you do when I had to take my kids and leave my AW. It was necessary to keep her from going ballistic and getting arrested for domestic violence and thus violating her probation for 4 class C felony counts of child endangerment and the 0.241 BAC DUI. And that would have meant a felony. Which means no job for the rest of your life. And with her at 23 and me at 38 (yea, years there), that would have been bad for her.
While away, all I wanted was to get our family back together. For her to stop drinking and to quit taking 40-50 sleeping pills a day. To quit drinking entire bottles of nyquil.
I agree about speaking from the heart and having no expectations. I mean a big fat zero expectations as to the response you may or may not get.
It's hard to love someone be around them and feel that there is a list a hundred miles long as far as what can't be talked about, the list that can be talked about .. 2 items.
Sending tons of love and support, hugs P :)
PS - I think someone recently posted a thread about reconnecting it was a great thread and lots of ESH about reestablishing connection time. It's important to do that in any relationship.
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I missed the ex A incredibly for a long long time. I think what I missed now was what I thought I had, the sense of connection and all the hope (which of course alcoholism destroyed). There is a lot of grief in being separated.
I came here often and posted and discussed it a lot. That got a lot of it out of my system. In addition, eventually I got a sponsor that also helped.
Maybe I have been burnt too many times.... or I am just downright wrong here but... I do wonder if you really do have no motives... I am not sure how to express what it is I am feeling inside when I read your post.... I see that you have spent minimal times with him over weekends when he is sober. He is behaving very well in those times and there is a limit to the exposure that you have. You are seeing, for a short time, a man that you have a strong connection with or at least, had a strong connection with.
I wonder if its a bit of grief that you lost that man. A bit of fear that you are unsure about that man really being back. Loneliness.
You say he is an emotional mess and not working. Is your wanting to tell him that you love him for you, or is there a bit of 'rescuer' in there.
What will that type of emotional exposure do to him at this vulnerable moment?
I am not saying that loving him is wrong. I do wonder if this is the best time to say that to him? Will actions speak louder than words? Give him a ring midweek, see how you feel talking to him outside of the time??? Will he be sober???
Like I said.. maybe I am right off the mark, my intent is not to be controversial... I just have caution written all over my mind and gut when I read your post.. for you and for him.
Openning up the lines of commuication with him first, talking about deeper topics, see if it is love for this man, or the man that you miss who was your original husband... if you get what I mean.
