"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

breakaway1958 · Newbie

I got out.....but it hurts

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Breakaway1958

Yes, with the help of alanon meetings and this Board i can assure you that it it is possible to change your life at any age. .

Alanon is a fellowship of men and women who share theri experince , strength and hope in order to solve theri common problems. Alcoholism is a disease and all who live with this disease are Infected by it.

Alanon face to face meetings in your community help to break the isolation and bring hope. Al-Anon is for friends and relatives of Alcoholics.

By going to the following link:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

Please keep coming back you are worth it.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for your share, and the sad reality is that the details change somewhat, but most of the people on here have either lived that scenario, are still living it, with just slight variations...

In full agreement with Betty's post to you.... it is abolutely never to late to choose recovery.... for YOU. Al-Anon, posting here, and reading some great books on the subject will do a world of good for you and your family.... In time, you'll be able to take the focus off him and his addictions - and put it on the one area where you really ARE in control - and that is on yourself.

Glad you found us, and hope you keep coming back

Tom

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm 6 months out of an 11 year relationship and it still hurts .. one of the craziest things i realised just tonight is that in alanon we learn we go to what we know .. (the behaviors of our own pasts, etc., they're comfortable .. familiar ) when I think back on all the grieving I've done and don't get me wrong .. I Love my xa .. I also love All of the alcoholics that have come and gone and yet .. when they leave .. I'm actually grieving the behaviors that I have come to depend on for survival .. I know I am one who has grown used to the alcoholic chaos .. (Excitement, fun, etc.. ) boring without them .. or was .. Easy to be fun with no boundaries .. anything can happen, etc.. half lol for me and it usually did .. alot of chaotic, exciting drama .. but when I sat in the meeting one day just being able to feel the serenity, i do know there's nothing else in the world that has ever felt better .. I'm obssessed with the whatifs still some days too but even as I read this tonight .. that's exactly what I am .. obssessed with the whatifs .. not 'him .. i didn't realise this piece so i thank you too for sharing .. that parts about me .. my own obssessive thinking, etc..

keep sharing redundantly if you need to .. the answer is coming here .. getting to meetings, etc.. the solutions are different for us all .. wishing you a little more serenity with every share which is usually how that comes .. one day one share at a time .. there's a lot of letting go we go through .. that parts a process not an event ..

-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Friday 30th of March 2012 11:32:20 PM

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Breakaway,

I understand your pain. Time will help dull the pain. AlAnon will help bring peace and new awareness. Welcome to MIP.

Jen

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Kate and welcome to the board - I am in a similar boat, am 52 and I KNOW it is not too late to change life - part of what I have gained from Al-anon is an understanding of red flags, how to identify the negative traits I want to avoid in future men. I have been alone again for over a year and a half, no hurry to hurry the healing process, no rush to fill the empty space with just any other man. I am certain that someday the right person will come along and I will know he is right because I will have a firm understanding of who I am and what I want in a partner. I let my now mr ex rush me into a marriage that almost destroyed me because I got the "I don't wanna be lonely for the rest of my life" blues.

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Breakaway,

Welcome to MIP! As they said, you can choose recovery. Somewhere in the literature it says, we are being rejected by a reject. Hard to swallow. My AHsober left our 30 years marriage. So there is alot of pain in that for me. So what do we do? We are both in pain over someone we can do nothing about. So I want to recover from this insanity. I go to face 2 face meetings, read the literature, and do the best I can.

Nancy

breakaway1958 · Newbie

Thank you all so much for your compassion and understanding. I now know I need to hit up an Al-Anon meeting. I plan to go Monday night. I am definitely in anger mode.....it baffles me that I spent 7 years justifying his every action and word. It is amazing what follows us from childhood. I suppose that even at the age of 54 it is time to face the past so I can move on to the future. Much of it was so painful I have chosen to block it out and pretend it never happened. You are all an inspiration to me and I don't feel so alone. Thank you.

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

i don't know I used the age thing to justify beating myself to death for many decades. I married an alcoholic (he went into recovery eventually) at 30 I thought 30 was old. I went onto a whole series of relationships with alcoholics and some of them were even in recovery. I just didn't know how to take care of myself. Why beat myself up for that.

I'm in my 50's now presently. I left a relationship with an alcoholic/addict 5 years ago. Like you I had many ties, financial, pets, home, deep emotional commitment. I took it slow to leave. I came here no one said to leave him no one questioned my decisions (although they were all questionable). I just watched what other people did here and did them.

Its never too late for recovery. Its not too late to learn new skills. I know now that I saw red flags when I first met the now ex A. I didn't act on them. Now when I see red flags I do act on them. But it really depends on the circumstances. Right now I'm working retail part time. There are huge red flags. The job doesn't pay well, the expectations are immense the demands a lot. I changed my attitude, I changed lots of things but leaving isn't an option at the moment. Why kill myself over that?

We take steps to make things better for ourselves. None of us left overnight, none of us stayed left overnight. There is a long series of progressive steps to get there. Beating ourselves up isn't one of them. I dread going to work this weekend. I have a lot of resentment about the way I've been treated there. At the same time I've made a lot of changes. I set limits. I have different expectations. It is progress not perfection.

Be kind to yourself. You have already been through an ordeal. I chased after an A/addict for years. I did it all but kill myself to get them sober. Some of them get sober on their own time (my ex husband did) some of them don't. What we do is only a small portion of that recovery. The biggest part is them.

Glad you are here. Get the book Getting them Sober it is a great resource for you.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"