The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
People really show you who they are. My AH, 3 weeks separated, is turning up his a-hole attitude. Maybe I could be kind and say that it seems his addiction is really working him right now.
I feel physically sick when I interact with him. We are tying up the loose ends and contact is infrequent, but necessary to discuss paperwork stuff, etc. I am staying detached and aside from sending him my new p.o. box address for the court docs, I don't think I will need to ever say anything else to him again.
He called me in response to an email I sent regarding the payment of our rent. I texed him and asked him to email, I didn't want to talk on the phone. He called again. I held my boundary.
He texted things like- I'm begging you, please help me finally end our marriage as quickly as possible.
Like it was his idea. Like I am the rotten spouse. I suppose his comments of this nature are a normal defense mechanism. I get it. It's so ludicrious, I had a laugh. I hope it wasn't a bitter laugh. This attitude of his, this "please just get out of my life asap," would have been really hurtful a few months ago. I would have taken it personally, been offended, and drawn to defend my reputation as a devoted wife that enhanced his life.
Now it feels like he is a little kitten chewing at my shoelaces. I am the mountain and he is the dark cloud passing by. I'm not even expecting him to respond to my email request. He doesn't have the ability to hurt or frustrate me anymore. He is what he is- an addict with an attitude. Why do I expect him to behave any differently? The truth is the truth. And I want to live in the truth.
-- Edited by Dolly Llama on Thursday 29th of March 2012 06:20:45 PM
-- Edited by Dolly Llama on Thursday 29th of March 2012 06:21:28 PM
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
Thanks. Luckily, there will be no more face-to-face. We don't have children, so there's no need to interact with him once the divorce is through.
I'm sorry you had to deal with this kind of stuff long term. Ick! Good on you for not just taking it.
I am so thankful I saw his attempt to bait me. Not talking to him on the phone has been VERY good for me, as I know that I have a weakness and somehow manage to get all tangled up and manipulated when we speak on the phone. He has a way of making things sound very logical and before I know it, I have no idea how I'm feeling or what I want. I feel bamboozled.
I recognize he seems to thrive on my energy, even if it is negative. Yes, he likes the reaction, ANY reaction. I can't praise Al Anon and my HP enough for helping me get unhooked and learn new ways to respond!
-- Edited by Dolly Llama on Thursday 29th of March 2012 06:59:15 PM
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
Insults get me in the "ego and pride" department. When ever I have a reaction I know that is where I got poked. When I don't have a reaction at all I'm in detachment nicely. Last time I got an insult was in the courts from the judge and the prosecutor and I played around with the idea that it might be a good justification for resentment after all the state, city and county are pretty big targets...and then I am a MIP member and copping to a resentment and playing around with insult would kinda...sorta be like asking myself am I really in this recovery program or am I just fartin around? I'm in for real so I listen and practice, practice, practice. Saved alot of time and kept my butt on.
Here's what I had to learn because I dealt with this on a high volume for 3 + years, and now on a low level. Texts/emails/etc are not responded to at all. If he includes an insult with a legitimate request, ignore it, delete it. He's baiting you, he likes the reaction.
If it is face to face - find a calm statement to use. "I won't tolerate being spoken to that way" and leave. LEAVE I don't care if his face is on fire, don't put up with it. If he goads you more, don't respond after the first statement. Pretty soon he'll realize that kind of behavior results in there being no room to accomplish whatever was needed.
One time, I was in my car, picking up the kids, he walked over and in the window started with "you're a (insert rude expletive)" I began rolling up the window with his head in and and driving away. Needless to say I left him yelling at me as i drove off. Don't take the bait but do NOT just take it. I started off that way of ignoring it face-to-face and it got worse. My counselor stated to me "you have every right to insist on being treated better, do not ignore that when it's in front of you but do not argue with him either". And that's how I learned to have a "statement" ready. An "I" statement.
What a powerful message of recovery. You have worked hard and your program is now working for you.
You are right, he cannot disturb your serenity. With the wisdom you have attained and the principals you now practice you have learned to value yourself and trust the process
Thanks for sharing the jouney You are an inspiration
Thank you for this share I needed this so much tonight.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
A wise friend once told me, "At least he is never giving you any cause to regret leaving him." That made me laugh. She was right! If he could have been reasonable and not an addict, I might have second-guessed myself. But his behavior gave me absolutely no temptation to second-guess myself. Sounds like that's your situation too!
