The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had sort of a lightbulb moment about unhappiness and lack of intimacy, I know we've discusses this before. I go through periods in my life of having fantasys of affairs, I know it's wrong but it is just in my head. I'm far too uptight and have too great a conscience to really ever do that! But I was thinking about why do I do that? Am I mentally unbalanced? And then I realized that I am married to a man that I didn't fall in love with. I fell in love and married the person he used to be. Alcohol makes you a different person, and emotionally and physically unavailable. I sometimes feel very sorry for myself because I don't get any of my needs met. I remember a time I tried to talk naughty to AH and he rep remanded me for saying a bad word. It's just so hard not being in an open trusting relationship. I know Alanon says we can be happy no matter if we are married to an alcoholic or not, but I'm not there yet. I'm feeling so unhappy, and sorry for myself. I know I should snap out of it! Anyone else know what I'm talking about? Am I just having a crazy day?
Well crazy days are a part of life and they help us enjoy the not so crazy days even better. Far be it from me to be a marriage counselor or heaven help us a sex therapist, but I do know that when I did my inventory, the problems I was having in that area needed to be addressed. We all have sex problems; we'd hardly be human if we didn't. That's a quote from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I know this is Al-Anon but wisdom is wisdom. So I don't think you're mentally unbalanced, just normal. In my experience, intimacy is a part of love and sex is an expression of both love and intimacy. Fantasies are just something we think about when we're unhappy about the way our life is. From what you shared, you are unhappy. And if our life is so unhappy that its making us crazy, then we need to make changes in our life. What those changes are or how major they need to be depends on the individual I guess. Well I don't know if that helped any. I guess what I mean to say is that the way you're feeling isn't that uncommon. Get a sponsor if you don't already have one, get started on the steps if you haven't already, and if sex or intimacy becomes troublesome, throw yourself the harder into helping others. It will take you out of yourself and may even quiet the urges within you.
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Not all my days are priceless, but none of them are worthless, anymore.
I know exactly what you are talking about. I whined to my sponsor and to my therapist about my loneliness, my unhappiness, the lack of intimacy in my life. I whined. Then, I whined some more. And they listened. No one told me what to do other than to keep working the steps.
Then, my HP did for me what I couldn't do for myself. My HP presented me with an opportunity to expand my program. I reached out to more people. More people reached out to me. I went to more meetings. I met even more people and I began to have real conversations with them.
Those conversations are what began changing my perception of intimacy. Intimacy is evolving for me (progress not perfection). It is no longer what happens behind the closed bedroom door. Intimacy has become those moments when I am truly present in a conversation and someone is sharing all or some of their story with me.
I know what you are saying, though. You want those intimate moments with your AH. Sometimes that can't happen. Sometimes finding intimacy in daily encounters with others--those moments when you truly open your heart and your mind to someone else--is where happiness is found. It isn't sexual. It isn't taking away from faithfulness to marriage vows. It is being open to hearing and helping others.
While I can agree that intimacy and sexual relations can be two different entities, I also believe that a marriage is a bond between two people and the sexual nature of that bond is a part of it.
Affairs are never right as you have stated, but sexual satisfaction is also important to basic human needs.
It is difficult to have satisfactory sexual relations when you are not being intimate..
And so the cycle goes.
hmmm.. not really helping am I.... except to say that I do relate to what you are saying.
I can relate to what you are saying. I have been there with the fantasies and dreams of what I wanted life to be like. I don't think you are crazy. For myself it got better when I got busy with other enjoyable activities. I also promised myself that I was done waiting for AH to do things with me. If I want to do something, I do it either by myself or with the kids. I ask if he wants to go along. When he declines, it hurts less than it used to. I've stopped taking it as a rejection of me. I realized I was craving the friendship part of the marriage, so I just look to other sources when he's not being the kind of friend I want/need. I'm learning to be my own friend.
I'm accepting more and more that sexual intimacy is an honest fact of life and is, for me, another necessary part of keeping my physical well-being intact.
(I grew up thinking that sex was something taboo and was convinced for a long while that I was some sort of freak because it interested me so much. I think that came about because my parents did what most parents did - they did all they could to keep me from having sex too early by molding my mind to that warped understanding of sex.)
You're not alone in your feelings, however. When I was with my exAH, I often fantasized, too, about affairs. Sometimes it was just spiteful thoughts of revenge, but other times it really was honestly that I was really hurting and wanting that physical closeness with someone and wasn't receiving it. Like Wolfie said, however, fantasizing is another form of wanting to step away from reality because we haven't found a place of acceptance with reality.
There's no easy answer to this, only that I wanted to let you know you're not alone in your feelings and I'm sending a big hug your way.
I did do my best to find other healthy and safe ways to nurture myself when I was looking for that physical intimacy. For instance, when I'd schedule a massage, I'd request a male masseuse - (no... not THAT kind of a massage!) The point was that I was craving masculine touch, and massage was one place where I'd get some of that energy. And, of course, I always made sure to give my fellow male Al-Anon members big hugs at meetings. Again - not seeking something inappropriate, but it was just that male energy I needed to feel. Kind of hard for me to explain.
