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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Confused
Post Info TOPIC: Confused
Corgi2


Veteran Member

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Posts: 88
Date:
Confused
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Hey everyone. So my ex ABF did end up going to his training program. I doubted if he was actually going to leave. But he is gone for two months. We left on good terms and agreed to talk to each other but to take time to work on ourselves and figure out what we need in a partner.

Im a little torn right now because someone else has caught my attention. Now about a year ago, when we first broke up, I ran right out and found soemone new and it ended up being a massive mistake. And my ex ABF and I tried to work things out and things were going great until he found out that I had dated someone else in the time that we were apart. That was horrible. Now I know that I could never rush into another relationship and that I really need to establish a friendship with someone before getting closer...but Im feeling guilty for being attracted to this new person.

I met him at my work, he now comes in quite often to say hi. He hasn't asked me on a date, but has told several of my co workers that he would like to. I don't know if I just like the attention or if  I really would like to pursue a friendship. I dont know...just confused and sad tnite



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Oksie


Senior Member

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Posts: 278
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it is understandable you are confused. You want closeness and companionship.

I am not sure 100% but I think the program suggets not to start new relationships right away doesn't it?

Even if it doesn't, I hear you saying that you may want it, but you also see it may not be the best idea right now.

Craving that attention and the rush of new 'relationship' hormones is such a wonderful feeling..... I would encourage you to check your motives for it at this early stage.

I understand what you are saying... I have never been single since I was 17. Always had a man/men friends around. I look back and wish I had taken the warnings and advice I was given and stayed single at the end of a relationship.

Good luck

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A work in progress, always learning
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3653
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Hi. I went back and read your past shares. I relate in that I loved my A at your age too.Then close to thirty years later I married him.

He was in strong recovery.

At your age he was in Thailand during the Viet Nam war. Anyway I know that feeling. But I can tell you from experience, that I find it would be very ok to go out with others, like you said, go out as friends, just enjoy his company. See how it feels to be with some one who is nice to you, is not abusive, mean.

You are not married or engaged, the relationship is pretty sad it sounds like. It may really help you get your feelings together to spend time with someone who is not using, who thinks of you, and treats you like you deserve to be treated.

You are so young, What would make you want to stay with the Ab? What does he do for you, what do you guys share? Just suggesting questions to ask yourself.

sometimes I wonder if we want to crack what seems to be a shell around them to get their love.Like conquering a lion or bear, we want them, we want their attention, but in reality, the drug has them. hmmm

If he is this bad now, imagine how it will be as it progresses. Yes it hurts horrible. But believe me we can heal and feel so much better.

hugs,deb



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Pushka


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3870
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I'm sorting much through at the moment, truthfully the idea of dating just so is unappealing to me. I said I was damaged last night and a very good girlfriend said umm .. nooo .. let's rephrase please .. so I said .. lol .. I'm in the process of healing and it happens to be a painful part of healing. The idea of bringing men around my kids or me is just completely unappealing. I am completely shut down emotionally in that regard. Starting a relationship of any kind friendship or other would be sooooo bad for me.

I had a point .. lol .. what was it .. ohh yes .. take some time to heal, be alone because you will continue to get what you got if you continue to do what you do. It doesn't sound like you are in a place to start a new relationship .. friendship ok .. however can you walk that walk? Can you just be friends with this other guy or is he going to be the rebound guy? For me what I have read and what I have witnessed as a child and adult .. that first relationship straight out of an intensely dysfunctional relationship can be emotionally crippling if you aren't ready. We have to heal from the inside out not the outside in .. I think about healing in terms of having a large gash through my chest and in order for that to heal it has to go through those UGH stages and oh that hurts stage. When I heal .. I know it's not going to shred apart, it's going to be something I can carry through the rest of my life.

Keep coming back, hugs p :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Wolfie55


Senior Member

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Posts: 409
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Generally what I do when faced with a dilemma is I turn to my higher power for guidance. In a situation like this, I would ask myself four questions which are actually based on the Four Absolutes of Honesty, Unselfishness, Love, and Purity. Are my feelings for this person true or false? Is this selfish or not? Is this relationship I am considering going to be beautiful or ugly? and Is it right or wrong? Nine times out of ten I don't get through all four before I have my answer and often I already know what I should do before I start asking. And if it helps you can use a trick my sponsor uses. Just pretend your HP is standing beside you when you choose. because we often have this image that He is way out there in the cosmos and can't really see the mistakes we're making, when in fact He is always a lot closer than we might think. Have a great day.

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Not all my days are priceless, but none of them are worthless, anymore.
orchidlover


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1036
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I dunno about the boundaries here.  What is your image of fidelity to hold onto the ex boyfriend or to move on.

Dating is not something I was much good at for a long time.  I flung myself into every relationship I've ever had.  I had to get a really good base in al anon before I could make better decisions.

The issue is that it doesn't really matter if this guy likes you.  Its all about you.  What do you want, what do you need. A relationship is not the be-all and end-all of every part of our life. A therapist put it to me like this we have so many cups in our lives with things in them, a relationship is just one cup we have to be aware of all the other cups.

For me the disaster was being all caught up in who wanted me, who liked me, feeling attractive because basically I could not give that to myself. When I started to give that to myself I learned to be more discerning in relationship.

I'm not sure about all the fidelity stuff.  I do know that if anything I was more loyal in any relationship I had than the relationship warranted. After all I was committed from the first moment.  There was no dating there was just straight total commitment day one.

maresie.



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orchid lover
Michelle814


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 818
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I can only speak from personal experience. I am so grateful I did not leave my husband when I was about to some months ago. I went out one night when he was in rehab and met a person very interested in me. I debated it but chose not to get involved... boy, would that have been a mess... first off because I love my husband but also because it would have been another sick relationship. I know, for sure, I would have ended up with another alcoholic or addict had I left my husband and not worked the steps or worked on me.. maybe I would have ended up with a worse one, an abusive one, who knows... all I know is that unhealthy attracts unhealthy and healthy attracts healthy. I am so grateful, that when I did not know this or understand this, I took time to understand and know myself. Now I see I can be completely alone if that is God's will for me and I will be just fine with me because I am the love of my life. Take what you like, leave the rest, just speaking my own experience. I hope you pray for guidance and figure out what is right for you.

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Michelle!

No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
pinkchip


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 5663
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Just check your motives and try and make choices about your relationships through honest self-examination and by staying spiritually connected. The answers on what do to do not lie within us, and they do not lie within any other person. The answers are within you but there are several factors to pay attention to.

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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Confused