The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
and everyone was so nice. Of course it being my first time I did not share a lot and was a bit standoffish...not mean, just quiet. Now I can't stop crying. Why did I do this to myself? Why did I get involved when all those red flags were flying high?
I'm...sad...feel sorry for myself....feel angry at myself and feel like I'm going crazy. What the hell happened???? What???? I feel insane and I've never felt this way before.....you know whats really messed up? I actually miss him. I'm sick....not him, but me!!!
Is this normal? It feels surreal......not real at all.
Venting....crazy venting....
-- Edited by thechee on Tuesday 27th of March 2012 06:53:06 PM
I dunno that I chose actively to have the kind of hell that goes along with living with an active alcholic. No one does.
I do know that al anon helped me. I also know for a long long long time I was very ambivalent about starting and keeping a commitment. I found it hard going.
I think so much of that was about taking care of me and feeling worthwhile enough to do it.
((((The Chee))))...The getting down on yourself (like lots of us have and still do) isn't gonna result in feeling and doing better. Often we call that the "Poor me's" and while it is something to do there are much better alternatives. When you're done blaming The Chee...recite the Al-Anon three C's to yourself over and over until they sink into your mind and spirit (belief)
I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, I will not Cure it. Then if you have a personal perception of a power greater than The Chee...ask that Higher Power to take this away from you.
That's what worked for me and I can talk to that...In support ((((hugs))))
I'm sorry...I am much more mature than this...I promise. I just had a 'poor me temper tantrum' and I was all over it, lol. I'm tired of thinking and the mind doesn't seem to want to stop and as soon as I feel that I am doing better...BAM. I know the Al Anon will help....I think it just peeled off the little bandaid that I was wearing over my heart.
I know I didn't cause it...but I still want to control and cure it. The need to do that will go away in time with work. I'm not going back.....but that doesn't mean the decision is easy. OMG...I don't want to live through something like that again and just need to learn why I did and how not to do that again.
Thank you guys...I know people have it so much worse, and being a hospice nurse I feel bad when I feel sorry for myself.....knowing what people are going through. One day at a time. I'll get it and then maybe one day I can encourage others.
You have NO reason to apologize for being human and hurting. We have ALL been there done that and there is no reason to feel guilty for crying. It's part of beginning the healing process. Congrats for making it to your first meeting!! You keep coming back because it does get better!!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hello Chee - what your post makes me think of is how mixed up MY emotions were when I was going through getting away from my ex - I think for me it was that I had bottled up so many emotions for so long just to get through day to day living with him. The last time he left and I recognized what was really happening (addiction to alcohol) and what had to happen (him not coming back without a program of his own) it was like the cork on that bottle started loosening up and whammo the emotions just flooded out of me. Looking back I'd say it had to happen - my psyche needed that purging of emotion - sometimes I'd rant and rave while driving down the road, sit out in the dark bawling at the moon, walk around town at night sniffling and snorting, giving the emotions their voice. Today I am still sad at the choices he's made and still miss the part of him that I fell so hard for; I hold dear a speech from Lord of the Rings - How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go back when the hurts have gone to deep? (that's my take on it) and the hurts of living with him were just too deep so I know being away is much better, but its been over a year and a half now, time DOES help heal the wound - but boy did I feel crazy a lot back then!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Congrats on going to your first meeting. You remind me of me at my first meetingS. I could get through the readings, but then I cried through the rest of the meetings. I can't even remember how long that went on. I was mortified, but then I was mostly mortified by my home situation. I too would have a headache going home. Those were really hard times.
I had to go through that to get better - to slowly learn by listening. Best BEST thing I ever did.
I'm glad you're here. It gets so much better - it gets good.
Thank you everyone....I had a better day (though the eyes are puffy, lol) I think the crying helped, and when I read a lot of these threads/posts on how people who seem very happy were once where I am, it really is encouraging. And, I also love the support given by the recovering....all the insight...is priceless.
The 'one day at a time' is hard, lol...but that's really all someone can do. I KNOW I can do this....there is not ONE doubt in me, it just stinks to hurt, as you all know, and knowing that he never really loved me and that I will never see him again......well I can't explain that one. Good days/bad days.....and I like what one of the posters said 'it gets so much better.....,..it gets good'. Looking forward to that.
