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I've been battling feelings of jealousy in my relationship lately. My husband is a recovering alcoholic and is actually extremely trustworthy and honest. However, I have been having feelings of jealousy about his ex-girlfriend, coworkers, and friends lately. It's so irrational and I don't want to be this insecure person. I've done a great job at hiding this from him because I feel ashamed and I don't want him to suffer for my thoughts that I know are unwarrented.
Does anyone have any advice on how to combat these jealous feelings when they arise? Is this a codependancy issue? Maybe I am just afraid of being inadequate (not successful enough, not attractive enough, etc.) and being left alone? Daddy issues?!!! :)
Thanks for your insight. I want to be a loving and trusting partner for my own sanity and for his.
For me much of the insecurity issue came from my family of origin issues. But there were some issues that were very much in the present.
I went through a really hard time recently with a co worker who swanned into the store I work in and pulled all the hours she wanted. This brought up a lot for me.
The bottom line was that it came to that I wasn't owed hours by the store they can give them to who they want. They have to guarantee me the minimum per the union contract and they were very creactive about how they gave them to the new person. The store manager absolutely expected my loyalty, devotion and more. I raged, railed and fumed about this for a while. The good thing about al anon is that I no longer do that for long (I did it for years prior to al anon).
There were issues about this woman which reminded me very much of my elder sister (who was manipulative, entitled and narcissistic). There were also real boundary issues there. She once signed a note about a cash register I worked on. When I confronted her about this she went into full scale Evita performance. It was really impressive. My elder sister had the same capability, could turn on a full flood of tears in a second.
The bottom line for me was I had to get back to me. Never mind the commitment to the store. My commitment is to be a healthy person and be productive in my own life. Never mind how I am in any other relationshp when I am being triggered left right and center it isn't good for me. There were many many escalating triggers for me and I had to go work out what they were.
I don't think it is as simple as labelling them, working out what they were and how they affected me was so so key. Detaching was so absolute for me at that time. I also had to let it out how angry I was at the situation and come to an acceptance of it. Now I am on a very different boundaries realtionship at the store. I no longer over excel. I no longer try to get them to like me. For instance this week they asked to do a split shift. I am not willing to do that anymore. I was very unhappy about doing a split shift for more than a year and a half. This is the first time I've said I'm not doing it and furthermore I'm not ever doing it again.
Marriage can certainly bring up lots of issues. I know lots of recovering alcoholics. I would say if anything letting go of the alcoholic brings more of the issues they have in full relief. They don't have alcohol to blot it out anymore. If anything I'd say a recovering alcoholic is someone who is in some ways harder to relate to because they are just beginning to learn to be responsible in the world.
Be nice to yourself. Its not all your doing. For sure this woman who I have to deal with at work is a great great manipulator. Her performances and ability to flirt are wasted there. I didn't create that. What I have to do is to keep my side of the street clean. For me that means to stop the people pleasing and look very closely at my expectations. I can get lost in those very very clearly.
I have similar issues with my friend. about the only thing (besides constant reassurrance from him, which is a drag and not his style) that comforts me is to sit quietly and remember why we are together and that I am the ONLY one who can do what i do to him and vice versa. I have a lot of trust issues with mine so it is not an uncomplicated scenario for me but down deep I know that there really is only me and any others are just "light entertainment" , shall we say. But the real deal is me and that is irreplaceable. It's only my own insecurity that makes me feel jealous and i have to remind myself of that. KNOW what you KNOW and hold on tight to that. You are loved.......
For me, I know its the abandonment issues. And that stems from being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.
It took me a while to identify it. I thought I was justified, it was from bad relationships in the past, lots of different reasons.
Basically, I know now, it all stems from the way I grew up.
It appears I fear abaondonment so much, that my actions end up pushing people away.. in some strange way this reinforces my own beliefs and the status quo. I did not do this consciously mind you.
I don't know you if you are an ACOA but if you think you may be, have a look at that board and look at the laundry list and the solution and the promises.
I trust my husband. But I know there are times I act very irrationally (not so much lately) and jealousy is just one aspect of it.
Thank you all for the replies. They are so helpful and it makes me feel like I am not alone with these irrational feelings.
Oksie your reply gave me so much clarity. Yes I'm the adult child of an alocholic. I am always scared of being abandoned....of my partner finding someone "better" or more worthy. I'm living in the fear that this beautifu. thing we've built will all go away and I cling to it until I end up damaging myself and him. Thank you again for your guidance. This program is amazing.
Did I suffer from jealousy? I didn't think so, but I know now that was not true. My hubby is also a recovering alcoholic. Story..... about 6-7 yrs ago we were on a cruise and there were AA meetings on the ship. He went to them. About 6 months later he showed me an email he received from, he said, one of the ladies from those meetings. I read the email and it was gushy and gooey and what I consider "bar talk" between women and men. She was telling him how wonderful he was. Nice for his ego, but my blood pressure went immediately through the roof. I had to walk away without a word. (A little background is that his coworkers came to me 13 yrs. ago (before AA) and told me that he was having an affair. I did ask him why they would say that and he denied, denied, denied.) After this situation with the email he told me he had to talk to his sponser about women and jealousy. I didn't think I was jealous, just mad!!!! How dare she! How dare he!!
Well, in the 4th step, and 5th and 6th and 7th..... I came to the truth that I was so afraid it was going to happen again. And I had to realize that I WOULD BE OKAY NO MATTER WHAT HE DID. I was okay with ME!!! I may have to come to some decisions, but I would be okay because my HP loved me even more than I loved myself. Hmmm. Good feeling. No abandonment from the HP. I would be okay!
