The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
You know when someone does something like the facebook issue it is so compelling to be riveted in by it. On some level they are very aware they are you reading it on facebook because they could use privacy controls to control it. I can't read someone's wall unless they allow it. So on some level they are putting it out there to get to you. The issue is are you available to be affected by this?
I had a situation recently at a part time job I had where a co worker was rude to me. I set a boundary and she over reacted and complained about me to a supervisor. Then she tried baiting me. She did a great job of it. I must say she had the attention of so many people for such a long long time. And I made it clear that I didn't appreciate it one bit. And people loved it they were all gossiping and carrying on for quite a few weeks. Meantime I managed to get more hours out of the organization at great personal cost to myself. Needless to say they also by subtrefuge made absolutely sure this new woman got far more hours than I did (twice as much to be precise).
Eventually I wore it out and stopped engaging and some of how I did that was to focus on other areas of my life that weren't enmeshed and difficult. . Now shen she talks to me and believe me she is always trying to say something to me about the rain or whatever..... I answer with yes or no answers. I don't engage. I stay entirely out of it. I am also very very boundaried around people at work because they have absolutely proven they don't have my best interest at hear. I barely engage. I say very very little about my life outside of the job. They would like to know more of course but I don't oblige. Why would I?
When we lose our boundaries it can seem like we can never get out of the swamp. One way is to find our way ashore and not jump back in. Of course those of us in al anon would like to fix it all but sometimes all we can fix is ourselves.
Some situations are imperfect and oh how we hate them! Where I work is certainly a mine of enmeshment, favoritism, unfairness and gossiping. I can't change any of that. The only person I can change is me. The only person I have control of is me. I choose actively not to engage. I am very aware of what is going on and I don't go there. I let go. I surrendered. The surrendering was very difficult because the situation was unfair but I didn't have the power to make a difference. I only had the power to stop being enbroiled in it.
Every time I used to see that woman i worked with I saw issues from my past where unfairness was all there was. I had to go to counselling to sort out those and I did it very very quickly. Once I sorted them out this woman and her behavior (and believe me she is still up to her manipulations and more) didn't affect me any more. Do I like her? Nope? Do I want to talk to her? Nope? Do I allow her behavior, goosip, intrigue and manipulation to control me or affect me. Nope. There is where the difference is. The only choice I had was to change my behavior not there behavior.
maresie.
Maresie.
-- Edited by orchidlover on Tuesday 27th of March 2012 01:21:44 PM
I'm in the process of watching my daughter's dad's family become increasingly manipulative .. The family disease will Always try to dominate and now it's become such a 3 ring circus with his sister & mother and him that there is absolutely no way i can control any of it .. The sister has resorted to posting on facebook asking her viewers why it's always a 2 hour fight with the mother (me) anytime he wants to visit his daughter.. and how it looks like they are going to have to go to court because it's the only way I won't have the control.. I am powerless over the effects of this insanity on me .. my own thinking and feelings .. it feels crazy because it definitely is .. on her post, she is unknowingly no longer talking about my control issue but their own .. I haven't responded because in truth, it isn't true and there's no possibility of my being able to effect the part of their thinking that is distorted .. they can't see it ..
I'm not typing this in defense, just as a share .. I tried for some time to get him to come and now he does visit her but gets upset that the Second he literally calls, there are times I can't just drop everything and go but we always find a time that works where they can visit ..
So much of this is his own manipulation on them .. they hear, see, only him, etc.. and I understand this is what he needs to do to keep them off him and enabling him by reinforcing comments, etc.. that allow his denial to continue ..
I'm so concerned about my daughter being with this family because I see the level of things on a spiritual level today .. The effects on her will be out of my hands .. I've never experienced anything like this and can't go back and change the past .. It's the past that's led me here but in my thinking, i'm in the future .. basically in fear .. This woman even has others liking her status .. Before alanon, i too might have gone for safety in numbers but today it's genuine safety in alanon ..
I don't know where i'm going with this post, only that I don't want to keep it all inside me to grow darker and more dominating over my thinking.. Thanks for letting me share ..
I do need to find a better attorney but the sad thing is I still love her dad .. I care about the two of them but i'm still in a phase of coming to believe this is all really even happening .. it's nearly unbelievable .. I have never once tried to keep him from her and the saddest thing of all is that I had the spiritual awareness to see that in over 11 years, I had never once brought anything to his family, etc.. he continued to tell me i did but the awareness was .. wow .. I never did that, he did .. I merely answered when things were brought back to me, etc.. and i didn't answer through criticism or namecalling .. Even when I went home with him when his mother was supposedly dying .. he created the crisis .. much like the sister on facebook .. it's such an ugly disease ..
Every time I used to see that woman i worked with I saw issues from my past where unfairness was all there was
I know when I separated from this man .. (physically) I saw about 52-55 spiritual connections to my family of origin .. all the behaviors that I went to that I knew .. my Gosh so many of them were there .. Even the idea of the whispering mother and sister .. needing to know everything .. the same dynamics at times were in my own growing up .. waiting for him to come back even .. well i waited for many others to come back who never did either, etc.. so seeing the issues from my past where unfairness was all there was .. I recognise that piece and thank you for the reminder ..
The reminders that HP is in control; we all need the reminders sometimes geez even after hearing them so many times .. I am really in a painful piece of my healing and grief .. it's not every day mind you and it's not 24/7 .. it would be without the alanon family .. but when it comes it comes hard and it hurts but the healing is that I can say today when i'm sad and sometimes just coming on here and even saying that helps tremendously .. there is no time limit to when I need to healed by or moved past this area in my life .. the chapter is being read and somewhere in the middle but not quite finished yet ..
I've been tempted to go back online to read but won't .. I don't need to feed it which is all i will do .. to be referred to as the mother after 11 years ? is that even rational ? what can the motive be .. it's hurt and it's a hurt person hurting another .. it does hurt .. but that's the wonderful thing about serenity .. God does grant me the serenity through the pain and is slowly helping me understand that serenity does not mean an end to pain .. it means to be able to be at peace in the midst of the chaos ..
