What should I do to help daughter ? - Al-Anon Family Group

Notwaving · Newbie

What should I do to help daughter ?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Notwaving

Welcome to Miracles in Progress.

I am glad you found us and reached out for help. Alanon believes that alcoholism is a disease over which we are powerless. You did not cause this illness, cannot control it and cannot cure it. Knowin g this does not help witht he anxiety we feel over a loved one's drinking.

Alanon is a fellowship of men and women who have been affected by someone else's drinking We share or experience , strength and hope in order to solve our common problem.

Attending Alanon Face to Face meetings in your community will break the isolation, introduce you to new ways of expressing your -self and give you hope

We finally concede that we are powerless over others and their actions . We place the power back into our own hands and learn how to focus on ourselves and live happy productive lives even if the alcoholic continues to drink

Meetings in your community can be found at:this site:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

Please keep coming back here you are worth it.

Notwaving · Newbie

Hi Betty thanks for your reply.I still can't decide if I should say I'm not happy with the amount you drink. I wonder if this would drive her drinking under ground. She has already said that I judge her all the time.Am I doing harm saying nothing ?

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

When I am trying to determine if something I am doing, or want to do, is helping or not - I ask myself questions. "Is what I am doing (or have done) helping (do I see a change?)". "Does this problem belong to me?"

My own mother always thought it was helpful to tell me when I was gaining weight, when things I was wearing weren't "flattering" always in such kind verbage. The thing is, my weight/eating/etc was not her problem and all I could hear was "you are fat" no matter how loving it came across. Years of comments did nothing to change me because again, it was my problem not hers. She didn't cause it, she can't fix it.

At one point I told her point blank (I was about 35) "stop commenting on my weight entirely, not another word ever again". She was hurt, angry and upset but it allowed our relationship to improve and forced her to stop focusing on me. I gained more weight and did not address my problem until *I* was ready. Which was 1.5 years ago (7 years later). I met with doctors, began working with them on diet/exercise plans and learned my metabolism was shot. I spent 10 months with a surgeon determining if I should go it alone or get surgery. When I learned I would have to live on 1000 calories per day AND exercise to maintain a normal weight, surgery really was the only realistic option for long term. I've since lost 130 pounds (50 on my own pre surgery).

But no amount of nagging, comments or anything worked because I wasn't listening to her, I was instead using it to ignore my problem and focus on being angry at her instead. So I recommend you attend meetings, read literature and learn the dynamics of alcoholism and addiction. As a parent now I know how hard it will be if one of my sons ever gets addicted.

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

Well al anon can teach you that it isn't either or. There is also a great book Getting them Sober.

Keep in mind that people do get sober. How they get there is often about whether or not people keep enabling them. There is also an issue of when and if they can keep on functioning.

I think watching something like Nurse Jackie on Showtime is interesting because there are enablers, people who keep it secret and then those who are so easily manipulated by the charactor.

Before al anon I was an enabler and always in awe of the alcoholic. Taking care of me wasn't in the picture.

Al anon can help you. Certainly your daughter may not get sober. The issue is that you won't be destroyed either way so there will be no more either or.

Maresie.

Notwaving · Newbie

Thanks for both of your replies. I guess I am hoping someone will wave a magic wand and say this is what you do. I have been told I am very judgemental by my daughter and she feels I am disappointed in her etc.
What is an enabler ? I help her , babysit etc. If I said no , she would still do what she is doing.
I am getting to the point of not liking her much and not caring if she drinks every day. She is a grown up . I have known a few alcoholics and all though charming its all about them !!!!!!
The thing thats stopping me joining alanon is it will be admitting there is a problem I guess. Should I tell her ?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Again NOtwaving

I just wanted to assure you that going to alanon is a private matter and you do not have to share your participation with anyone.

When in the rooms we share by first names only and keep our anonymity.

Members of alanon admit that THEY have a problem with a person's drinking

We attend meetings to learn how we can live with our own destructive reactions to the situation

We do not have to identify the person or relationship that is the reason for our attending.

I urge you to find some support for your self.

Notwaving · Newbie

Thanks Betty , I like that phrase 'They have a problem with a person's drinking'. It makes me feel that even though Daughter does not feel she has a problem , I am entitled to have a problem with her drinking (if that makes sense). I shall seek help. Thanks for you help

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.