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summer is a long way off ,Easy does it . We teach our children well but we can also unteach them but we have to change too , set boundaries if they dont behave , they don't get . If your a screamer like I used to be , stop-stay calm and tell them once what you expect from them in any given situation our kids need rules they may not like them but they need them . when we change our behavior our kids will eventually respond to the new YOU. the hardest part for me was to be consistant no means no but for me the rewards were amazing , if I want respect I have to be prepared to give it especially to my children . we have to remember they are living in chaos and they react to it the same way we do ..let them know you love them lots of hugs etc. be gentle with yourself . Louise
-- Edited by abbyal on Monday 26th of March 2012 01:31:12 AM
We are planning on going to see a friend of mine this summer and her and her family have never met my husband and kids. I am already starting to worry how my kids will behave (they are very wild and rambunxious and fight a lot) and my friends kids are so well behaved and they come from a very calm, almost perfect like family. I have been worrying as to how this will all go and I don't want my kids to be really out of control there---She is even making dinner for us. My kids have poor manners too--That is why we raraly go out to eat these days lol. I guess I should do better in making my kids behave better but I am also just getting into recovery and am doing my best. I feel bad because I am almost dredding seeing her---Her kids are so well behaved! I can feel myself already getting stressed about it and I don't want to ruin this trip this summer. I am trying to figure out how I can use my alanon toolbox to help me not obsess about this. My kids feed off of my moods too so I can really see how this disease has already had an effect on them and it makes me sad to realize that. But I know I am in the right place thankfully. I am open to any experience strength and hope. Thank you for being here and all of your hope.
I'm glad you've found us. That point where we're in early recovery and we see different ways of doing things but we haven't quite got there -- that's a tough point to be in.
One thing is that her kids may be well behaved -- maybe just naturally calm, too -- but I bet they're not as perfect as they appear sometimes. All kids have ups and downs.
One thought is that you could always just ask her straight out - "Your kids seem so well-behaved -- how do you handle it when they do X or Y? Sometimes mine are making me tear my hair out." I've gotten my best tips on handling difficult situations from other parents. And really we're all in this together.
Hi willowtree, Welcome to alanon. My immediate response is that you get yourself to face to face meetings . You will gain confidence and serenity. I can't fail to mention that it's up to you to train your kids socially. No, it isn't easy, but well worth it.
One of the best things I experienced many years ago was when a friend minded my children in her home while I we went out.
My four then, behaved very badly, we heard about it the next day from our eldest child.
It was an eye opener for me and I was very ashamed at the time.
But it was all about my recognition, right in my face, of how I was unable to bring up my children in a calm, loving family when our married relationship was fear, fight, and trying to control the drinking, trying to control the finances and not coping.
As we recovered we were able to consentrate on giving them the attention they needed. They are all now adults with their own children.
It helps to understand that often the behaviour of children are part of the dis-ease.
You may choose to let it happen ....it will be hopefully an eyeopener for your AH.
I just want you to know that judging ourselves and our families and comparing them to others is such a unfair thing to do. No one knows what anothers life is like behind closed doors, nor any of our business. I used to worry about people judging me for my childhood, my parents, my exAH, my faults, my life, but now I accept I really am doing the best I can and if it not good enough for anyone maybe they are not a true friend I need in my life. This is something I have really had to work on within myself and stop thinking I don't measure up. I am the best me I can be and that is enough! I really have learned to relax and enjoy things and I am even okay when mistakes happen, because they will and do especially around my 3 year old. I am sending you love and support and am glad to hear you are attending meetings!
-- Edited by Breakingfree on Monday 26th of March 2012 06:07:52 PM
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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