The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH and I have been having some very intense conversations about my feelings and about my intentions for myself in the future. How I am ready to set up boundaries and how I expect myself to behave from now on. I've shared a lot of my fears. I've cried a lot. And, he's just been there, being supportive. He actually said, "I 'xxxx' up my marriage. I know I need to make it right, but I don't know how to do that unless you help me." He has been very attentive and involved with us as a family and seems to be truly trying to make amends. He is finally taking full responsibility for his actions and for the DUI, expecting nothing from me. He said he's already got the cab companies programmed into his phone.
So, with things going so well: why am I so scared? I've never had a normal relationship with him. Sure, there have been periods of normal but they were always surrounded by his craziness and my response to his craziness, LOL. So, I kinda feel like I don't know what's coming next. I am still afraid to open up intimately with him and I feel like I shy away from physical touch. Yet, he's really making an effort. I know I still have walls up and I know I'm trying to trust again. Each day gets better but I still know I feel fear. I just cant' put my finger on it.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Monday 26th of March 2012 11:47:46 AM
"So, with things going so well: why am I so scared? I've never had a normal relationship with him. Sure, there have been periods of normal but they were always surrounded by his craziness and my response to his craziness, LOL. So, I kinda feel like I don't know what's coming next. "
And that is why you're afraid...just like I was. I was getting another invitation to keep doing the same things over and over again while expecting different results, which the program told me was the definition of insanity.
He needs as sponsor, not someone who already knows she can't fix him much less the marriage while trying hard to fix herself.
I heard yesterday at a meeting that ours is not a "talk" program but a "walk" program. ILD...do (walk) what you know has to be done for you and ask him for his sponsor's name. I knew my alcoholic/addict's sponsors name and she was much much better at helping my spouse than I was.
Totally on board with Jerry .. take it as it comes .. let him work his own program of recovery while you work yours. LOL .. I heard the EXACT same thing at a meeting I was at yesterday the talking the talk is great however if you don't walk the walk outside of the rooms of AA/Alanon it doesn't mean jack.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Well, that would work well if he was actually working a program or active in AA. He's still doing his solo thing and not being accountable to anyone. Well, I take that back because he says he's being accountable to God so I guess that counts. He is definitely 'seeming' the most normal I've ever seen him, but I also know from past experience that he can snap at any time. So, I guess I'm just scared that this is the prelude to more bad behavior. Even though he's not working any type of real program, I am seeing changes in him and I'm hearing it from him with his attitude and how he is being supportive of me. It means a lot to know that he is my friend again and I don't feel like I'm living with the enemy.
It sounds like it's turning out better than you might have thought. I can liken this to points in my own recovery (particularly in the first year or so) when I kept asking myself "How come I'm not all better yet?" I just had trouble being in the moment and was so used to hoping things were different and bracing myself for trauma and change that I couldn't deal with being in the here and now. I also couldn't deal with things just being okay...I thought someone always had to be wrong. I think you got used to drama and chaos but your brain hasn't gotten used to it not being there. It takes time.
This is also where the spiritual part of your program comes in. It really takes some sort of faith or belief in a higher power to develop an overall sense of trust. You keep going round and round about trusting him and trusting yourself, but you don't make much mention of trusting God. A huge chunk of the program is about putting trust in a power greater that you. I can really see tremendous progress in you in recognizing your powerlessness; however, the next step is to develop faith and hand over your will to a power greater than yourself. Until then, you will have discomfort and live in fear more than you need to.
You don't have to worry so much when you know God (or your higher power however you define he/she/it) has got your back no matter what.
I can only speak from my experience, of course...your mileage may vary.
I definitely relate to what you're feeling. My AH had times when he said all the *right* stuff, and was possibly very sincere in accepting his part in things. Just the other night, he called me and said he was well aware that "this" (his drinking) couldn't go on and that he was eventually going to face serious consequences for it, either with his health or otherwise. Oh, but he was calling me from a casino where he had been drinking and gambling.
This is a case of "show me, don't tell me." It feels so good to feel safe enough to open up to them. But keep a clear eye. Without outside help, I don't know if any of us have a chance at beating our addictions. Maybe there is a way, but I don't know of it. Alcoholics can be very cunning, so I think your caution is valid.
I once read a Father's Day card that said- the best thing you can do for your children is to love their mother. Well, maybe the best things we can do for our marriages and AH's is to love...ourselves.
Keep your focus on you and know it is okay to live within the ambivalence. Things get clearer.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
Dolly and Mark, you both shared what I am feeling. I am really trying to keep my focus on myself and just knowing that actions speak louder than words at this point. I am grateful that he is not drinking. I am grateful that he is taking responsibility for his DUI. I am grateful that he is thinking positively about the future and that he wants to get back to being my protector and biggest cheerleader. I am being patient with myself and he is being patient with me. I can 'see' what I 'see' and I truly feel that time will heal all wounds.
the best thing I can think of ... live in the 'now'.
I know my husband will relapse and the addict will come back to visit one day.
When I started here, and things were bad I likened it to being dropped in a foreign country without a guide book, and I didn't speak the language. No idea what was going on!!!!!
One hour at a time if you have to. Try to appreciate what is as opposed to what may be in the next hour or so.
Scan your body for tension and try to let some go and breathe. Come back to the present and the man you are with at the moment.
